family · cookies · shiny packages · flurries · visits with friends · Silent Night · elf on the shelf · late night shopping · chilly air · peppermint mocha coffee · live trees · new ornaments · building Barbie houses · monkey hats · snuggles · pooches with tree bandanas · glazed hams · evergreen boughs · nostalgia · gorgeous Main Streets · twinkling lights · peace, love, hope · pictures of smiles to hang up · tubas · reindeer food · happy mailboxes · eve fishies · time honored cartoons and movies · family games · nutcrackers · cocoa · school vacations · Santa videos · memories · food · the Buble · "testing" toys and games for the kids ;) · time to recharge · forgiveness · plans for a whole new year · old traditions honored · Santa's boot marks · new ones began · the magical feeling you get in your heart...

Much love, laughter, hope and joy to you and those you love!!!

This Woman's Work (Kate Bush)

     A woman was told that she was pregnant.  She was also "old" for someone having a baby.  Life had been a challenge to say the least up to this point and she wasn't about to have it get any easier.  There were also tumors that would not allow the baby to grow and the chance of the baby making it was slim.  If the baby made it...she most likely would not.  She was told to end the pregnancy.  She was asked by her new husband to do the same...he had finally found his love after waiting almost 45 years to do so...and he didn't want to lose her just yet.  But after a childhood of sorrow and three stillborn babies in between the other three that she was lucky to have...she wasn't letting anyone take away this "miracle".  So at the age of 37...Sally gave birth to a little curly haired girl.  She was in a new city with a new life and torn from the one she had left behind.  She was taking care of two elderly and ill in-laws and a dog and a cat as well.  A house was being renovated, a family was being developed and a whole new life was just getting started for them all.
     My mother went on to be quite the Mom.  She was tough, she was giving, she was fair, she was complicated, she was real.  She ran one hell of a ship.  I look back and sometimes wonder why she was the way she was about certain things...but most of the time I am just grateful.  Even in her weaknesses she was teaching me a life lesson.  As a woman coming on 40 I also understand so much more now.  I see why things were the way they were and how truly brave she was even when things were not simple.  She pushed a body that was weak.  She shoved hard on a mind that was raw.  She never relented on a spirit that was tattered.  I learned many things from her.  Work hard at whatever it is you are doing.  Never stop learning.  Give your closest people your best.  Empathize...even with the bully...they must have a reason to be that way.  Take in strays because nobody is better than anyone else.  Be kind.  In giving we get so much more back.  Countless lessons...
      She also taught me "not to sweat the small stuff" and I have to practice that one.  I have come far but there is more work to be done.  When she beat cancer the first time she reminded us all to live life to the fullest.  When they gave us three days to say goodbye we were given a smack in the face.  Time is a precious commodity.  Maybe I have spent the last years doing things that some don't understand but when money, talents and resources were slim...time was something I had.  When someone gives you so much during your life you make sure you thank them.  It has been a difficult year since the night I spent glued to her side to sing, pray, read and say goodbye.  But I keep hearing her in my ear.  She reminds me to do so many things.  I miss the person I would talk to for hours but then again  I have come to realize that she is right there for all of it now and only a conversation away.   I will pass on her expressions, her life lessons and her meatloaf recipe.  I will cling to the dear family that I have been blessed with.  I will nurture the friendships that are my "family" even if we don't share the same genes.  I will be so grateful for a whole new relationship with the sister that is the only human who knows her like I did.  I will make sure my children know how she lived for us all.  I will live big because it is the only way she would have had it.   Though I miss her in a million little ways...she lives on in all of us...always.

Higher Ground (Stevie Wonder)

     Each day.  Each and every single day we should be better than the day before.   We should continue to grow...be bigger...for ourselves and for the world that spins around our bodies.  I have been working my ass off to do that in many ways.  Daily.  Like a workout for the mind, body and spirit.  Every here and again I injure myself and have to ice up for a few days but then it's back to work.
     But I have noticed a shift with a bunch of us and I have to say I am pretty impressed.  People are appreciating what they have.  They are living in realities instead of potentials.   I see gratitude instead of anger.   It doesn't even matter what their age or stage of life...they are "getting it".  They teach me on a daily basis and it helps me in this quest to come out better on the other side than I came into this big crazy lesson.  I keep reading in various places that as you change for the better one of two things will happen.  You will find the people that support you.  You will find the people that can't.  I get it now.  I see the patterns.  I am pretty darn lucky to have a great support team of people that value life, love, peace and joy as I do.  Things don't matter...people do.  I have also learned that the other people who played a great part in making me who I am today can be thanked as well...but that it's ok to let us move in other directions.  

    So for those of you doing the following...thanks for the inspiration...thanks for the reaching...thanks for trying to find the higher ground!

· playing instruments for a living · working towards a masters · joining the gym · writing those blogs · parenting like a fiend · growing up · finding time to say you care · helping people get healthy · going to workshops to make yourself better · battling through therapy · changing · expressing yourselves honestly · gathering a community in peace · smiling when it's easier not to · sharing your experiences · writing me emails, texting and tweeting when you are damn busy · losing the baggage · being selfless · moving forward · being uncomfortable for a bit · DOING THE NEW!!!!

Shake It Out (Florence and the Machine)

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a final mess but it's left me so empty
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Mr. Blue (Catherine Feeny)

     Train was running...full steam....going, going, going.  Brakes screeched and as quickly as a bird changes direction in the sky so did my health, mood and spirit.  A fever was the beginning of an endless assortment of symptoms.  Match that up with the first Thanksgiving without my Mom...lots of other drama...and oodles of stress...and you have the perfect recipe for a break down of sorts.  I stayed in pj's for days as I battled high temps and aches and pains.  I took extra vities, drank lots of tea and even gave into nasal decongestants to be able to catch a few winks.  When we need a break and we aren't taking one...our body forces us to. 
     Then just when I started to feel some relief it moved onto my daughter.  Add some new stress.  Start December...a month that will be rough as it is...and you find yourself caught somewhere between a scream and a sob.  So when a little girl looks up at you with sickly eyes and a face sans color and asks if you can just snuggle for a bit...you listen.  When we need a break and we aren't taking one...our heart forces us to.
     Blankets, temperature checks, cooking shows and cat naps for a few hours.  The world stopped and let a mother and daughter just rest.  Physically, mentally and emotionally.    I realized while warm and calm in a twin bed watching the food network tucked in with my baby...that I was doing something all over again.  My own mother and I would do the same when I was just her very age.  Take a day to rest and watch tv and just be.  Safe.  Quiet.  Calm.  I feared that the gloomy mood that seemed to be devouring me by the second would last forever.  A productive day later I see that it was just a break.  I listened.  I allowed.  I gave in.   When we need a break and we aren't taking one...our spirit forces us to.
    To my body, my heart and my spirit...I say thanks.  To those of you who encouraged me...I thank you even more!

A Day of Thanks

clay · excellent parent teacher conferences · blogs · loose mango tea · new babies · buddies who poke · photographs · new friends at work · strength · poolside reading · lost pounds · new sneaks · courage · found sister · time to say goodbye · amazing women of inspiration · 327 new things · the ability to purge · impromptu sleepovers of fun · my piano player · my dancing monkey · my brown pooch · new thinking · smiles · two point granola thins · my Dad · favorite pj's · farm fresh veggies · a size smaller jeans · cackles of laughter · my new green fleece · Mr Harvey · movies · small town movie theaters · music · plastic bins of protection · egg white flatbread sammies · moms who understand · new towns · baked brie · love of a city rekindled · bffs · a little boy reading his first words · tears from giggle fits · crepes · scymih cupcakes · Jimmy Fallon · Wicked · gummy candies · erasers of food · recipes · flowers · Toots · mild Novembers · car rides · the Muppets · feeling like a kid again · ethan's pockets · carvel cake · the track · Main Street · raging rivers and waterfalls · solar lights at campsites · Gramary · family · kale chips · porch swings · breathtaking rainbows · hugs · forgiveness · mantras · The Big Bang Theory · cheeseburger pizza ·  and you ·

Everybody's Changing (Keane)

     To say a shift has occurred is an understatement.   Acquaintances have become dear friends.  Dear friends have become ghosts.  Family has shifted.  Enemies have surfaced.  I might have made a suggestion to the universe to give it to me in smaller doses because this has been one gigantic order...but the universe doesn't work that way. 
     When I was a kid at the beach I had this awesome yellow plastic sieve type thing.  I would scoop up the sandy water and then like a miner from the old west...I would shake it.  Sparkling stones and treasured shells might remain in the tray but the sand and junk would fall through.  That is sort of how I have to approach it all now.  In the big shakes...which ones are still there around you?  Sparkling.  Shiny.  Which ones have abandoned you.  Which ones have shifted off to the next wave. 
     They say that when you lose one angel you get a new one.  My angels have come in many forms...but I know who they are.  They are the ones who inspire and support me.  The ones who make me laugh.  Who poke.  Who send words of kindness on days that are hard.  The ones who feed me.  The ones who make me feel welcome.  The ones who have made this shift a little bit softer around the edges. 
     For a girl who isn't so fond of change...I'm hoping to just feel comfortable...at some point.  I really hope it happens soon.  I have worked my ass off to make things good between us and if you aren't accepting...I need to accept that.  Another shift.  Another change.

Break Your Heart (BNL)

 All those times you were singing it TO me and I didn't even realize....


The bravest thing I've ever done
Was to run away and hide
But not this time, not this time
And the weakest thing I've ever done
Was to stay right by your side
Just like this time, and every time
I couldn't tell you I was happy when you were gone
So I lied and said that I missed you when we were apart
I couldn't tell you, so I had to lead you on
But I didn't mean to break your heart

And if I always seem distracted
Like my minds somewhere else
That's because it's true, yes it's true
it's this stupid pride that makes me feel
Like I have to follow through
Even half-assedly, loving you
Why must I always speak in terms of cowardice?
When I guess I should have just come out and told you right from the start
Why must I always tell you all I want is this?
I guess 'cause I didn't want to break your heart

And you said
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Curl up and die just because of you?
I'm not that weak, you know
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Try to make you love me as much as I love you?
How could you be so low?
You arrogant man,
What do you think that I am?
My heart will be fine
Just stop wasting my time

And now I'm over you, I'll be OK,
and that I've got what I want,
and that's rid of you
Bye
And it's not 'cause I'll be missing you
That makes me fall apart
It's just that I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break
Your heart

Changes... (Heretics · Andrew Bird)

    If someone had told me years ago that in a few years I would feel completely different about so many things...I would NEVER have believed them.   First off, the changes to my life would be unbelievable.  But that's life, right?  But me?  ME, this different?  Nahhhhhh.  Turns out that what I thought was a shift a few years ago is now a downright going out of business sale.  All things must go!!! All sales final!!!  Things needed to change with me.  The mirror isn't always pretty and the work is harder than labor for 34 hours plus every sickness I've ever had and every job, death and challenge combined.  COMBINED.  I understand why it is hard to believe that changes can be big.  I, too, used to find it hard to believe anything other than what was in my closed off little brain.  I get it now though.  It's so different.  It's so big.  Each day is exercise to these new muscles.  But as I push my body, brain, spirit, and soul to find it's true essence...please know that the work is paying off.  You don't have to believe it just yet...I know... and right now that's all I can do...just be alright with myself.  I'll get to the rest of you eventually...c'mon now...I'm still ME for goodness sakes.  But as you wouldn't trip a runner going by maybe you could try a little kindness.  This work is harder than you think. 

Paradise · Coldplay

"Paradise"

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep
Dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Every time she closed her eyes
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth

Life goes on
It gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear, a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night
She closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night
Away she flied

And dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh

She dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

La la la La
La la la

So lying underneath those stormy skies.
She said oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
I know the sun must set to rise.

This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
This could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

Running to Stand Still · U2

    You know those guys who use their teeth to pull the trucks?  I feel like that is me.  I've done it my whole life....with one person or another.   I have just recently learned that "potential" does not exist and that hanging on to it is very damaging.  It is not a reason to be anywhere.  The real place, house, job, mate, friend is ALREADY the things you need.  Together you can flourish maybe...but you don't have to stand there begging.  You don't have to wait for them to open like a flower and become what you are looking for.  Sure, you can accept certain things...faults...because we all have them...but the true nature of the thing or the person is always right there in your face. 
     I run...pulling you along behind me....hoping that you will be as excited with you as I am.  I see the possibilities.  I analyze the business.  I find the hope.  I push myself.  I push for others.  I begin to expect it back.  I've been battling with myself about this very thing.  Should I expect anything?  I read a quote the other day that has lingered in my brain.  It finally made sense of it. 

"Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."

    I can't read it enough.  I am growing everyday.  I am working to be better on a daily basis.  I am finding that the world needs my energy for many things...and drama is not one of them.  And I am finished with helping those who do not want to grow and learn and love with me.  You might get in your own way...but you will no longer get in mine.

The Day Brings · Brad

     Mornings are tricky.  For the most part I wake up quite happy having lived movie scenes in my dreams that were larger than life.  I don't let the weather effect me much.  Curls like rain and we have different clothes for a reason.  A song can get me going.  I have never backed down from a good challenge.  I am an optimist....I will find that silver lining.  Even if it kills me.  But sometimes the song comes to a halt by a giant scratch noise across the vinyl...real life isn't always butterflies and rainbows.
     As the morning opens in front of us...so do the realizations of real life.  Now we have to decide what to do with this day.  We have to decide who needs us most.  What we need to get done.  What is important and what can wait.  We have appointments and jobs and a task lists.  We also have decisions...hundreds of them to be made before our head hits the pillow and we start all over again.
     I have been training my brain with new thought patterns.  New mantras.  New pleasures.  Or maybe...I am just finding my old ones again.  Either way...this song still makes me happy.  I first heard it back in my early twenties.  I was newly married and newly relocated.  I was driving back and forth to a retail job and finding my path in a new life.  As I questioned what was behind me and where I was going I let this song bring me back to the moment in which I was living.  All of these years later it still has the power to do it.  This morning I was feeling the fog slip into my brain.  I was feeling the sadness that eluded me yesterday.  I faced the other morning battles as well.  But I made the choice.  I stopped the loop.  I've paved new pathways in this brain and each and every time I use them I destroy the rotten old roads of the past.  I find my way back.
     Just remember...we always have the choice.


Hold up your end
And I'll hold up mine
Dancin' all the time
Dancin' all the time
And too late father
You know that that's for sure
You never find a way
Never find a way

So gather around
And see what the day brings
And see what makes you laugh
And see what makes you sing
And never, nevermind
The thing that people say
You'll never go away
You'll never go away


Who knows where the storm will take us
Who knows when the pain will break us
When will all the G's be given
Another chance to live in freedom
Hey now
Get your heart, get your heart
Off of the shelf
Make the grey sky blue
Yeah, I'm talkin to you
And nevermind
The sick and the afraid
Askin' out today to see a brighter day

So gather around
And see what the day brings
And see what makes you laugh
And see what makes you sing
And never, nevermind
The thing that people say
You'll never go away
You'll never go away

Who knows where the storm will take us
Who knows when the pain will break us
When will all the G's be given
Another chance to live in freedom

So gather around
And see what the day brings
And see what makes you laugh
And see what makes you sing
And never, nevermind
The thing that people say
You'll never go away
You'll never go away

   

Don't You Remember? ·Adele

     A card came in the mail today for my 85 year old father.  It was a sweet message from a family member with pictures of beautiful young children.  As I looked at the photographs with him I found myself saying the words I seem to be saying quite often these days..."Don't you remember?".  I patiently tried to explain who everyone was but there is a frustration that comes with this job.  While I tenderly try to jog his memory parts of me want to scream at him for forgetting such vital information.  It is a constant job of planning, worrying, explaining and clarifying.  The basic things are lost.  The common are forgotten.  The scary part comes when I realize that I will be one of those forgotten as well.
     Memories are bittersweet these days.  I wake in the morning from dreams of a lost mother.  So much was left to do.  My father's memory of our life slips in and out like the tide.  My children seem to grow at such a pace lately that to remember them tiny almost seems too painful.  There are also the crushing memories of a couple who spent half of their lives together.  I even feel sadness for the me that was lost along the way and fear of not being able to find her.  My first thought of the memory of any of these things bring a smile...only to be replaced in the next moment with the heartache that goes in the acceptance of the losses. 
     I have been living the past few years in the moment.  I have been forced to think again about the future.  But tugging at my every thought...is the past...and it has one hell of a grip on the rope.  Last weekend I found myself out for a few hours at the local pub.  It was Homecoming for my college.  It's been about 17 years or so since graduation.  Just enough time to make you feel nostalgic for a simpler time long gone.  I had a few moments of "Don't you remember?" as I bumped into a familiar face here and there.  Tug.  Tug.  Tug.  I also celebrated a tenth birthday with a little girl I have watched grow up.  Pull.  Tug. Pull.  I then chatted with a cousin and did more of the "remember when" that seems to happen when old buddies or family members reminisce.
     How do we live today and move on to new tomorrows with the "Remember the times..." that seem to happen so often?  The feeling of the remembrance has a second wave that accompanies it...one that just wants to go back.  Unfortunately, the rope only pulls hard enough to torment us and not hard enough to bring us back in time.  Somehow we must just keep going.

The leaves of memory seemed to make
A mournful rustling in the dark.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow (Annie)

     ....so there I was feeling kind of low and sorry for myself today.  Tears were abundant.  The kind you can't seem to stop.  (And NO I am not in pms mode before you start wondering.)  I knew I needed to get out and feel the crisp fall air.  I also knew that certain things or places or events would make my mood so much worse so I navigated quite carefully.  Main Street has lots of places coming and going every single time you drive by.  I thought it would be nice to walk.  Simple.  I stopped the tears long enough to get out of the car and walk into the antique place.  It's new to me...always a lovely way to help me remember there are so many things out in the world yet to discover.  Gorgeous furniture, dazzling jewels and period pieces from days gone by filled my senses long enough to get me through a few minutes.  Then I was reminded of the days I often walked antique shops with people I no longer get to spend time with...the tears started to well up again.  I stood there hiding behind a large piece of furniture as the player piano started a new song...this one.  Immediately upon realization of the tune...I smiled.  I then began giggling at the sight it must've been.  One of those moments you see in the quirky girl sitcom.  I imagined walking over to the piano with my jazzy dress  and long white gloves and belting out the tune.  Think Ally McBeal meets Gilmore Girls.  My best buddy and constant source of lightness and laughter had been texting me.  I immediately had to report how incredibly hysterical and ironic this moment was...she reminded me about my theories of the universe.  When we don't listen to the whispers we get the screams.  This time I got an upright player piano.  Man, the universe is crafty!
    

Codes and Keys (Death Cab for Cutie)

     We live by rules.  Codes.  Honor systems.  We stretch them at times when we feel it is justified.  We push boundaries.  We break things.  We drive too fast when there are no cops around and like model citizens should an officer be sitting at the opposite light.  We act one way in front of others and a very different way when there are no witnesses.  We forget.  We bend.  We push.  We alter.  We lie. We subjugate.  We control.  But why?  People are scared and fearful of losing control.  It is in the very squeezing to keep it that we suffocate the truth. 
     The tricky part is figuring out why we bend when we feel we have to.  Is it out of hurt? Is it because we are lazy?  Maybe we were raised without the ethics and code systems of others.  A word that crushes one person is ignored by another.  There is no master set of rules.  Not even in religion.  Not even the list of things we should've learned in kindergarten fixes it all.  Those rules are up to you.  Does a mother steal the loaf of bread to feed the starving child?  Does the husband get to murder the man who killed his wife?  Do you break the "no visitors after 8pm" rule when someone is breathing their last breaths?  If these answers were simple we wouldn't have jails, courts, lawyers and a bazillion systems of codes and rules and laws....plus the complications of things like temporary insanity.
    We have to find a code we are safe with...safe from.  It's all relative.  We can probably all justify anything if we really wanted to.  Find good cause for bad decisions for one reason or another.  I think the challenge is finding a code for what we believe in...what we will stand for...what we will allow to happen to us.  If we are solid in ourselves than our rules become bright and bold.  It's in the falling down we find the breaking down.  When our backs are against the wall we can no longer read the sign that is hanging behind us....and without the words we forget all of the details.  Make sure the rules are simple.  Make sure you can see the sign. Make sure you know the punishments for the crimes.  It is only then that we can make the decision to follow the rule or challenge it.  It's in the clarity that we find the strength to uphold the laws.  It's in the vague that we falter.

Say Goodbye to the Anger (Ghost · Indigo Girls)

     "You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people.  But until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed.  You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will ooze through and stain your life.  You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them." Iyanla Vanzant

     I watched perhaps the most powerful hour of anything I have ever watched.  It was about anger...the definition, the hold it has over us and the ways we can disperse it.  Of course there was talk about the child that is injured initially and how we are held captive by that child.  There was also talk about the energy it takes to hold the anger.  What I guess I DID learn was that anger was a cover for fear and hurt which was on top of the love that was under it all.  Does this mean that the more angry someone is the more hurt and scared they are?  I never really thought of it that way...not fully anyway.  I know some pretty angry people and this might've made me a little bit more sensitive.  To know better is to do better though, right?
     First we have to accept the pain and anger and deal with it.  In that we make the choice to let it go or hang on dearly with both hands until it kills us.  Eats us up.  Anger comes from the fear of rejection, the fear of loss and the fear of control.  It is all making so much more sense now.  We have to see that the thing we seem angry at NOW is actually from a wound so, so, so long ago.  It will keep surfacing until we finally put it to rest.  Lessons will keep coming until we get it...fully. 
      A man was asking about anger and he realized that he used it as a safety net for his own failure.  Iyanla told him that he didn't do anything wrong (as a child) that caused people to demonstrate poor behavior.  He didn't do anything wrong.  Sometimes people just do the best that they can at the time.  She went on to say that "the best students get the hardest tests and when God has something for you to do he will test you to make sure you are ready...so don't punk out."   When people choose to stay angry instead of healing and moving on it's an excuse to stay out of their brilliance...out of their power...out of their purpose in the world.
     Going back to the quote that starts this post...there is a talk of the stain of life.  When you have a stain on your clothes it keeps pulling you back to look at it.  It is there pulling at you.  It's like this in life.  We need to find the stains or they keep finding us.  Find them...and clean them...for you, for your loved ones and for the life you could be living.
 

Looking Back at Me (If I Had Eyes · Jack Johnson)

     Light bulbs.  Aha moments.  Sixth Sense montages.  Call it what you want...I have them all of the time now.  They haunt my dreams.  They smack me in the face here...gently poke at me there.  As they happen so does the growth, the clarity and the realizations that go with them.  They help me to move forward.
     The process might not always be that easy.  Some days as I figure out an old riddle I want a chance at the new approach.  But life doesn't work that way.   What I can do though is use the new skills with my tomorrows.
     I've been angry at myself for not seeing so many things that were right in front of my face.  But I am learning to forgive that naive and trusting girl who tends to see the best in people even when they are not necessarily exhibiting the most honest qualities.  For a little bit I was thinking that I needed to wise up....be tough...get hard.  But c'mon now...this is me.  I want to see the silver lining in the darkest of clouds.  I don't need to become jaded and cynical...just more selective maybe.
     I've been even more angry at myself for many other reasons.  Somewhere along the line I switched up my priorities.  I forgot that doing for others makes us feel good.  I forgot to take care of the people who needed it.  I got lost in the shuffle of life...jobs...motherhood...money...to do lists.  I was trying to change the world instead of changing the attitude I had toward the world.  That might be the biggest lesson learned thus far.  Acceptance of others for who and what they are....sure does make it all make sense.  I don't stand in line at the amusement park to design the hills and g forces on the roller coaster...I just get on to enjoy the wild ride for what it is.
     I look back at so much now.  When the breakdown began.  When the girl lost her voice.  Her spirit.  When she got bogged down by garbage and lost her sparkle.  I try to see through to a time when she played in the sunshine...whether the sun was out or not.  I am trying to be more like her.  Fearless.  Brave.  Strong and sure.  She loved big...even when it broke her heart.  She took risks.  She climbed rocks and dangled on ropes.  She laughed.  Laughed loud and often.  I figure when I get out of this mess I will have the perfect combination of the life force she had combined with the wisdom of the years that followed.  She will only get better.  I just have to keep her in my line of vision as a reminder for both the good and the bad that needs to be let go of or held on to. 

Unwritten (Natasha Bedingfield)

    I was in an elementary school today.  I realized more than ever that it is one of the few places that makes me glow from somewhere deep within.  It did back when I was a child.  Now, it does it for a different reason.  The hope.  The promise.  The new of it all.  These little smiling faces have a whole world waiting for them.  They still giggle at the simple things.  They still look at things with wide and beautiful eyes.  I became excited with them.  WITH them.  But then again....I usually do.  It was a nice feeling.  I forgot how much I missed it.  Sure I cherish the moment each and every day with my own two little ones...but when the whole building is brewing that emotion like a big fat pot of coffee you can't help but take in a big dose. 
     The timing was perfect.  A few hours later I headed over to get the results of the mandatory TB test needed for teaching in this state.  I am just a few steps away from subbing again.  Teaching has been in my heart since I was old enough to love the smell of chalk. 
     For a bit there as I was growing older I had the general idea that you had to grow up.  I am now learning that the definition of growing up can be relative.  Responsibility is very important but it does not have to sacrifice enthusiasm.  Maturity is a nice trait as well but within it we can still find the simple quite hilarious.  There are a million little places to keep the thrill of childhood but blend it with the experience of age. 
     The blank page that scares us when we are young can be quite the inspiration when we are older.  Our book doesn't have as many pages and we need to start filling it up with quality not quantity.  The things we could squander before we now realize need to be cherished.  But as I have been battling with time and life that was lost in the mistakes or choices I made in my youth...I am also learning that they were all part of the big plan.  Each morning is a new page.  Each day is a new part of a greater book. 

"Unwritten"

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Lost in my Mind (The Head And The Heart)

     When you inspire others you inspire yourself.  When you push yourself to overcome you then inspire others.  It's a beautiful relationship that I saw yesterday more clearly than I had before.  I noticed a status update and an attachment to a song and felt the immediate sadness from them both.  The song stirs up the same sad emotions for me.  As I sat there feeling the spiral begin to whirl...I caught myself.  It's not about me.  It's about the other person.  Immediately, I went into cheerleader mode.  I wrote a message designed to make her feel a little bit lighter.   When I read it back I realized that I don't listen to my own advice.  I get stuck thinking the wrong thoughts.  So it knocked me off the path of doom and instantly I was up and at 'em...ready to face another challenging day in what seems to be an endless calendar of them.  I went on to thank this person and explained what happened and I believe we were both amused by the whole interaction. 
     So here is my after school special lesson for you for this fine day...inspire someone.  Get out of your own head and help someone else.  You will find the karma is quite instant.  It's in the thinking of the other person that brings you the reward.  Maybe just maybe if we all think of the other people...they in turn will think about us...and that would make a really sweet world of care and concern.  Push yourself and be a model for others.  Share your experiences...it will validate someone else.  Love big...it will not be wasted.  Stop getting lost in your mind. 

Pictures of You

     I haven't been able to figure out why the pictures never made it to the walls of my home since we moved here years ago.  I knew it was something psychological...complicated...sad...but didn't really fully get it. 
     Pictures are reminders.  We were young.  Light.  Hopeful and happy.  Alive.  Healthy.  The hallway in my old home was full of people who promised me that they would stay in touch.  Walking by them reminded me on a daily basis that they were too busy.  Other pictures were of family.  The family that had fallen from a full and excited one to one of loss and despair.  There were pictures of babies...that had grown already...never to be seen like that again.  They don't tell you when you become a parent that you will have to let go of the child you know over and over again.  Other pictures were of a young couple just starting a life's journey.  I can't even begin to tell you how much those pictures hurt so I won't even try.  And then there was me.  Young, tan, thin and smiling...she was lost somewhere along the way as well.  So the pictures that were up to remind us of the full and joyful life we were all leading had become painful realizations that they had all fallen short.  Now,  there are people missing.  A picture should make me feel nostalgic and loving but at this point they still just hurt. 
     I have discovered the camera again lately.  The girl that took many pictures and was in many as well had stopped doing both.  Lately, I feel the need to capture things again.  Though I still hold the theory that we should be in the moment and hold the feeling with our memory and emotion...a picture is a nice way to keep track of it all.  But as I just looked to the wall near the very place that I wake up and start my day every morning it hit me...I've been taking pictures of things.  Places.  Rocks.  Nature.  These things won't go away.  They won't change.  They won't leave or die or look different or get sick or hurt me.  They just are.  Just recently and after many, many years...new pictures have gone up.  I look at them now.  They are capturing moments again but the gift that the photograph gives you in one instant can be the very thing that breaks your heart in the next.  They become physical reminders of the pain.    I guess my battle with the photograph will continue just a little bit longer after all. 

Detours (Sheryl Crow)

     I have driven on these bumpy and worn roads for years.  I have memorized the potholes and the proper angles needed to dodge them.  I swerve when new ones sneak up on me...but there's always a new one waiting silently to catch me when my guard is down. 
       Lately it seems as if every single road is under construction.  There are bridges missing and blocked.  There is damage from the storms.  There are worn roads finally being dealt with because the season and temperatures allow the repairs.  To say construction is everywhere is an understatement.  In any given trip from here to my job...or the store...or to pick up the kids from school...it seems as if there is something somewhere.  Men with "slow" or "stop" signs are as common in the scenery as mountains, trees and clouds in these parts.  Have I mentioned that they are everywhere?  
     Today as I passed the detour for the road that was out and squeezed through the cones to get past the men working on power lines only to come to a blinking light where a bridge is now gone...it hit me.  All of the metaphors I have developed to make sense of it all for all of those around me and I was missing the biggest one yet.  My world is under construction.  For years it was neglected.  The roads were bumpy and full of hazards.  I was dodging holes and hoping to make it safely on my journeys from here to there.  Now, the roads are detours.  The bridges are being torn down to build new ones.  Traffic lights are being added.  Bumpy and worn messes are being replaced by smooth and friendly alternatives.  They will be safer...kinder...simpler.  Instead of memorizing holes and maneuvering around trouble I will now have the time to take in the scenery and enjoy the ride that I am on.  Someday it will be a smooth ride. 
     But at this moment it is annoying.  I have to plan for extra time for travel.  I have to be patient.  I have to find new routes when the known are closed off.   I have to accept that roads are closed and alternate patterns need to be found.  It is tedious.  It is tricky.  It is tiring.  BUT...but...but... eventually the roads will be all done.  The bridges will be new.  The streets will be smooth like glass.  It's just a matter of hard work, time and a few signs that remind me to take it "slow" when necessary and to "stop" if it's for my own good.  I will hang in there for now but boy am I looking forward to those beautiful, smooth roads that take me to where I am going. 

Under Pressure

      If graphite is squeezed with just the right temperature and pressure it becomes a diamond.  Something dull and simple becomes quite miraculous.  Gorgeous.  Strong and beautiful. 
     My universe and its unyielding lessons aren't leaving one stone unturned.  I should correct this...there are a few unturned and I am quite fearful universe...so please leave them that way.   I am finding myself overwhelmed.  Tired.  Drained.  Hurt.  Weary.  Worn.  I am sliding into old grooves...pulled as if the ice needs a good cleaning. 
     My car ride back and forth to work has been mentioned often.  It is my only "quiet" time.  I use quotes because quiet is the last way I would describe the drive.  My music is my companion.  Today a few clicks of the ipod brought me to this song....how perfect.  I will admit to you that I played it over and over.  It made sense of the madness that has been going on around me.   There is a shift happening and it seems that things are being twisted in some medieval device...relentlessly.  Pressure is scary.  Hard.  Makes us snap.  Makes us short.  Pushes us to say and do things.  We clean.  We run.  We fight.  We all have our behaviors and while are some are quite productive...others are extremely damaging.  Finding the tools and methods to get through the pressure is the key.  Harming as few souls as we can while on the journey is a goal.  Becoming more...better...bigger...stronger is why we experience pressure. 
     When you are delivering a baby they use the term "pressure".  When a jeweler describes the process of the development of a diamond the word is also used.  Babies and diamonds are both pretty spectacular so I'll cross my fingers and hope that at the end of this mess of a life I've been living lately...something really extraordinary will be the result.  
    In the meantime...to those of us experiencing these shifts...be patient.  With yourself.  With others.  Focus.  Breathe.  Center.  Keep perspectives.  Be aware.  Be productive.  Be kind....and wait for the sparkle of the diamond that you will become. 

The Perfect Space (The Avett Brothers)

     My theme for this next year of life will be "restore order".  It carries over into everything.  I will clean up my space...physical, emotional, mental and all the little places in between it all.  I will clear away the things that have been bogging me down...from the countless pages of emails to the closet of a woman who is no longer here to wear the clothes that hang there.  My dvr is loaded, my pile of bills is overwhelming, drawers are bursting and full of things that are no longer needed or useful.  There is a basement full of molding yesterdays and maybe tomorrows and a garage that would make it jealous.   I was surrounded by people who find it hard to say goodbye to anything...so things were kept to keep it simple and easy.  For them.  I am here buried in it all.  I am the girl who owns a label maker.  I find solace in charts.  I smile at a new batch of colorful dry erase markers for the calendar that keeps me fooled into thinking I am in charge of anything.  I am giving myself one year...to clean it all up. 
      Keep an eye on the "free rock" out front because you might just find something juicy.  Let me know if you've had your eye on anything.  I will be selling, donating, giving, tossing and purging.  Life needs to be simple.  Time should be spent with my growing children... not on moving things from one pile to the next.   Time should be spent with the man who might forget who I am sooner than I'd like to think...not on dusting things I don't care about.  Time should be spent digging myself out of the rubble...not out of the piles of clothing nobody wears.  It's time to find the perfect space to free up the time to frolic.  Time is my most valuable commodity and will not be wasted on people who don't appreciate it.  Now hand me my to do list and don't stand still for too long!

Wash Away (Joe Purdy)

     Another day watching the torrential rains.  Flooding.  Whirling creeks.  Raging waterfalls.  Puddles.  Everywhere.  There is a delicate little place near here with beautiful rocks and a sweet little trickling of water.  It was a force today.  Loud like thunder and rage.  Gorgeous.  Powerful.  I got my feet wet and walked through the soggy grass to the little stone bridge.  I made my way over it and stood there watching it all...taking it in.  It is usually serene and calm.  The grass was replaced with swirls and ripples.  The trunks of trees were devoured.  Big rain.  Big rush.  Big forces.  I touched the water, smelled it...marveled at it all.  I started to sense the symbolism that I have been missing.  I'm sorry to say I think all of this rain is my fault.
     I told my friend about it and suspecting my use of the event as my "new thing" of the day she requested I give it some more thought.  I replied that I was frolicking in a new waterfall.  She said that I should be frolicking everywhere. 
     She's right.
Just this morning I was reading a post from another friend (I'm pretty lucky to have such special people in my life).  She was saying that we don't get lost...we simply get buried.  I was pondering this all day.  It's really quite true.  We bury in defense and fear and the million other things that swallow us whole.  I am a girl who frolics...I just forgot how.  
    Without sounding all Big Love on y'all I'd like to say that this afternoon as I listened to the pounding water, felt the misty air around me, smelled earth and water, and felt the cold water and the power of it all...something happened.  Today is the last year of this age.  Tomorrow it starts over.  My friend added something to the series of encouraging texts she is beloved and known for..."It's a new year, new age, new you, new attitude, new life.  You are a superstar.  Share it with the world!".  Now, maybe just maybe, she was being a little bit funny in this but as I stood there with soggy toes I realized she was right.  I have found my theme.  I have found my new mission.  I might still crumble from time to time.  I might still need to find a new thing of the day to get me through to January.  But my goal to restore order and continue to dig through the rubble and layers to find me again is a big one.  At the end of it all I will be free to frolic any old place I want.  Thank you to the rain, the blog posts, the universe and all of the people that have blessed me with love, patience and friendship. 

Mom's Message to a Birthday Girl (We've Only Just Begun · The Carpenters)

     I am days from my next birthday and the quiet contemplation and constant retrospection has begun.  What's next?  I realized today that there are so many of us in this position lately...what now?  We should all be settled in by now, shouldn't we?  In my immediate circle there are people looking at the future...new babies, new jobs, new careers, new classes, scary relationships, failed marriages, new roads. 
     I turned to a song from my childhood.  My parents were older when they met and this was their constant inspiration.  As messes from their past got in the way of their tomorrows they held on to the today that got them through it all.  The message was simple and sweet.  A mantra for sweethearts that had many challenges.  As I can hear my Mom singing along I am seeing their burdens and trials so much clearer now.  Aging parents, new families blending with old families, baggage, sickness, traveling, financial burdens...you name it...they lived it.  My Mom had already lived five lifetimes in her 37 or so years and my Dad a decade older had seen his share of life as well.  Yet there they were just starting on a journey that would take them on one wild ride. 
     I got to go on that wild ride.  This year I will experience the first birthday without my mother by my side.  It's funny but I always thought as an adult I would find some sort of peace in that...honestly it's in the moments that I miss my Mom the most that I feel the youngest.  Sometimes just wanting to scream that I want my Mommy.  She won't be here to fight for the piece of traditional Carvel cake with the most crunchies.  She won't be here to laugh at our horrible singing.  She won't be here at all. 
     If she were here she would tell me not to sweat the small stuff.  She would remind me that it all goes very quickly.  She would tell me to live big because I won't see these people ever again.   She would tell me to take a day every here and there to snuggle and watch cooking shows.  She must've whispered that to me this morning as I snuggled with my babies and did exactly that.  She would say..."Get out there!"...whether that be a dance floor or a new adventure.  She passed on many good traits to me...some through lessons, some through guidance...others through mistakes.  She would encourage me to do some big new things and she wouldn't stop at me.  She might tell a few of you some other things: To the lady having a baby almost a decade after her first...don't be scared...those second round babies come out pretty good.  To the woman who just found the love of her heart...enjoy it because it makes up for all those years of struggle.  To the lost souls and stray dogs...find yourself already...life is too short.  To the couples who are just starting out and starting over...it's hell but it's worth it.  Never stop learning.  Never stop serving mankind.  Never stop reaching.
     Lots of things are on the horizon for a girl and a birthday and the scent of white musk just told me that she might just be here after all to watch the candles go out.
     

New Days Ahead (Always on Your Side · Cheryl Crow)

     In the morning I dial up the music of the day...the mood...the moment.  Sometimes it becomes the soundtrack for the day.  I find the right group, theme or vibe that is needed for the day.   Well, the electrical outlet is suddenly acting a bit odd and my ipod battery is not behaving either.  I was forced to dig out the old crusty shower radio and the basket of neglected cds in the closet to have music playing while I was getting ready for my little guy's first day of kindergarten.  I knew I would need distractions.  I haven't heard these songs in a long time and as the kids came in to prep for the first big day of the school year...this song came on.
       Years ago I liked the song for the melody and part of the message but I had no idea how pertinent the lyrics would be a few years later.  Lots of changes in our lives have brought us to a whole new place in our lives.
      I reflect on my life while driving to work in the morning.  I look at the mountains and am reminded of how tiny we are.  I look at the valleys and realize that the lows only help us to appreciate the peaks.  I watch the sky and know that in an instant a cloud, a storm can change everything.  I also watch the fields.  I noticed in the beginning of the summer that the corn plants were tiny and in perfect little rows.  I have been watching them grow all season....each day bringing a tiny sadness with the realization that summer will be over before I even began to get used to the ease of it all.  In a blink they are tall crops ready to be harvested.
      This brings me back to today.  For almost ten years I have watched my little seeds sprout and grow and get taller and stronger.  There was always one by my side...a little hand to keep mine company.  They have made me laugh when life was more than challenging.  They have inspired me to be a better person.  I have cultivated good humans that are literally getting bigger from season to season.  I have the pencil marks to prove it.  I sang with my babies as they brushed their teeth and smiled back at me in the mirror.  As I sang I realized the song was a soundtrack of my life for the last few years.  For many.  For all.  We have grown.  We have changed.  We have gone.  We have come together.  As I look forward to this next season as well as the next year of my life I am planting a new crop of seeds for the new beginnings and changes that life brings us.  I will say goodbye to my tiny babies and hello to the wonderful children that they are...embracing all of it.  I will also remember that I have spent ten years feeding my tiny caterpillars and now they are gorgeous butterflies...that lyric hit me the hardest.

"How to pull it close and make it stay...butterflies are free to fly and so they fly away..."

The butterfly I am becoming understands the nature of it all.  I will celebrate the changes and retain the beautiful memories but I will never punish the transition.   With new butterflies come new adventures and I am excited for them all!

Don't Think Twice It's Alright · Bob Dylan

     I can play things a million times over and over in my head.  I can wonder if this would have led to that and if that could have meant this...but I'll never truly know.   There are countless decisions that not only altered that one moment but all of the ones following.  If.  If only.  What if?  Maybe I should have...it keeps going and going.  The truth is none of that matters right now.  Now we get the road in front of us.  Now we get to choose.  We get to take all we have done and move forward to a better and bigger person.
     I can analyze why laundry that my mother did back in the 70's took her life in such a sudden and horrible way all of these years later.  I can look back at the last two years of anguish as a couple tried to figure out why they had failed a marriage.  I can be heartbroken that a man who was my hero since birth is letting me down so much these days.  I have been awake nights trying to figure out the relationships of family and friends and why some are so wonderful and others are so cruel.  But in that constant analyzing comes constant pain and frustration.  And after hours of pondering...I come to the same place.  A place where I will never really have the answers to these questions.  So why does all of this time get spent trying?  Does it put me in the classroom I have been teaching in since the 90's?  The one that is decorated with color coded words of encouragement placed in between Teacher of the Year awards?  Does it change the fact that I worked hard on a house and decorated it just so...but someone else is living in right now?  Does it bring back the babies that were lost? Does it change the job I dedicated myself to for so many years that was lost?  Nope.  It doesn't.
If I sit and think about the choices and regrets along the way...I would go out of my mind.  Especially since I sacrificed and took many of the right roads while others were selfish and took the wrong roads.
So it leaves me here in a place where I accept all that has happened has made me who I am.  That the horrible price to pay for one thing might have actually been better than the even more horrible thing that might have happened.  That someday the outcome will outweigh the fight.  The loop has to stop.  The regrets need to be changed to simple decisions.  The lessons have been learned.
     Eight months in and a looming birthday ahead and I do feel truly different in so many ways.  I have enjoyed the process in between tantrums and tears that accompany it.  I continue to push and pull where needed...fighting not only myself but those around me that have to feel the change as well.  I hope I am making better decisions based on loads of experience instead of merely on unicorns and daydreams.  And somewhere in all of it I have to forgive myself and others for where we are today...because the outcome is here whether I like it or not.  Now it is up to the choices I make moving forward and the respect that I have for the journey. 

Gearing Up (Pumped Up Kicks · Foster the People)

     It's easy to be the optimist...to me anyway.  I understand it isn't the way of life of many.  For me it's normal and effortless.  I really do see the good in the situation.  I cling to the hopeful.  But it makes for a tough time when I have to do things that are hard for a sunshine and butterfly kinda girl.  It's hard for me to hold you accountable.  It's tricky for me to have a system that doesn't work.  I don't mind failing myself but I do mind failing others.  I look for the angle I can take to get you to be the bigger person...the more efficient...better.  I feel we are here to inspire one another to be the thing we can be.
     The next few weeks I will have to be tough.  I will be making people uncomfortable.  I will be the bad guy.  There will be limits and restraints and rules and people don't like that. I have given you far too many chances and you have lied or been lazy far too many times.
     I try to teach my kids to do what they would do no matter what.  Drive like the cops are behind you.  Treat others as if some higher power is watching.  Behave as though your Mom is right there.  Live well and do good and be who you are regardless of your surroundings.  Easier said than done for some.  I'm pretty proud of them so far.  They make good decisions.  They say things like, "We're not supposed to have that".  Sometimes I'm one of the few teaching the good lessons.
     It means I will have to push to be stronger.  Tougher.  Firm.  It means enforcing bedtimes.  Holding onto ATM cards.  Dumping a ton of old stuff.  Offering less options. Making people do their part.  It means no more enabling.  No more crutches.  I am usually pretty "tough love" when it comes down to it but I know I need to do even more.  I am gearing up.  I am working out.  I am ready to do what needs to be done.  With the new season will come more than just a change in the weather...

Birthday Approaching... (If I Ever Feel Better · Phoenix)

     It's August.  August is when I analyze the year behind me and look ahead to the year that is in front of me.  Businesses have their fiscal years.  Dieters have their January.  Me...I break up my years in a different way...September to August.  It's my birth month and it's how I gauge my life.  I try to find a mission, a theme, a series of goals to strive for.  I threw a monkey wrench in the system this year by starting my "new thing of the day" in January.  Now I have to create some Venn Diagram on the wall and see where things can overlap.  What will my theme be?  What do I need to accomplish?
     I face September like it's one giant present with the most beautiful wrapping and the fluffiest of bows.  I take stock of the people I am lucky to have in my life.  I look forward to growing closer to the new ones.  I mark the calendars with schedules full of exciting events.  The ones that bring us together with a common reason to celebrate.  The others that are necessary to keep everyone safe and healthy.  The fun.  The serious.  The important.  It is the thrill of Christmas morning but without the drop off at the end of the day.  My Christmas keeps on going....full of promise and hope.
     This year can be: the year I rock the abs again, the blanket that I finally knit, the books I get to read, the trips I've yet to take, the people I get to laugh with, the food I've never tasted, the places I've never been...endless possibilities.  This year with so much new in front of me and so much to conquer and get over...maybe my theme should be simple...to be happy again.
     Happy sounds cute enough.  It's a sweet bouncy little word wearing a colorful sundress and strolling along a sandy beach...but it's not all that easy to attain.  I want the real happy.   I don't want the one that lasts for a moment, a concert, an event, a tv show.  I want the one that starts from my feet and bubbles up from within.  The kind that gets you through the mundane and ordinary and brings sparkle to it all.  There might be a million little tiny ways to accomplish it.  Maybe a few biggies as well.  But whatever the recipe I need to whip me up a batch of it.  It's been a long life with tastes here and there and now I am ready to dig in for a serving so big I need to run afterwards....
     So, I am taking stock.  I am fighting for those I love.  Letting go of those that need to be released.  Finding the new.  Pushing the scary.  Grabbing the challenges.  Living in the present.  Knowing that someday...I'll feel better.
   

Monday Morning (Death Cab for Cutie)

     If I could explain the vibe of this year I would say it felt like college.  All of it...in one year.  With a Masters. Heck, throw in a doctorate.  It's that class that should take three months but you squish it in on one long Saturday.  Every single day.  It's only August.  I'm excited about the coming months and the new things I will find each day...but I am growing weary.  The way you feel right before finals when you just want to hide in bed and listen to the same song over and over again.  When you are exhausted.  That's me.  The home stretch to the butterfly I am becoming is getting tiresome.  I realize these challenges make me stronger.  I understand that I needed to find the bottom before climbing back up to the top.  A wise woman was talking with me the other day...on the front porch swing that I have spoken of.  She said that it is easier to drag someone down a ladder than up one.  On that note, I also say it's easier to go down the ladder. Period.
      My morning was greeted with a text offering extra hours at work.  My gut said to go and I did.  I have this thing that I do lately.  I scroll around the play lists on my Ipod and tell the universe to give me a song.  It gave me this one.  I don't think I've ever heard it before and if I did I had no idea what the lyrics were nor that the title was "Monday Morning".  It was so appropriate.  As I drove I began to think about the education that the universe and life has been teaching me lately.  Each day is a huge hurdle.  I make choices.  I make decisions.  I fall.  I get up.  I rock.  I suck.  I push.  I think I have mentioned this...I push.  But some days get the best of me.  So...my new things are the following:
-listening to this song
-Leigh Ann's delicious Taco Salad for lunch
-Sanding and painting mugs
-Catching up with my old pals...the Cardoni Family
-Hearing a shuffling in the hallway and turning to say something to my Mom
-falling apart on August 8th, 2011

Tomorrow is a new day.  I feel the next wave of change coming.  I feel the growing pains as things change quickly.  Sometimes a little too quickly.  I am cramming for finals and yet I still have months to complete.  I hope I remember my number 2 pencil.  I hope my wings develop properly in my case.  I hope tomorrow is better than today. 

Soul Mates and Old Men (Blood · The Middle East)

     I just watched a movie that had a recurring theme about soul mates.  I came rushing home to find the song that I loved during the one scene...this is it.  I looked at the lyrics and started to cry.
     I am a believer of the concept of the soul mate.  I think we have to find them.  I think we have to learn from them.  I think we are incomplete without them.  I've been thinking about my Dad so much lately.  He has lost his soul mate.  He has lost and now is lost.
     I can cheer him up with grandchildren and cartoons and snuggles.  I can make him dinners that he likes.  I can bug him to do things with us...but the truth is I know we are not enough.  He has lost his love.  I was asking them mere months before she died about how they knew they were the ones when they met.  He said that she made sense of everything.  She said that she didn't understand why someone could give so much to someone and expect so little in return...he said that she deserved it.  He also said that her smile lit up his world.  They found magic in the simple.  They went on to create a beautiful life for many and for many years.  How does one make a meatloaf to fix that loss?
     Their relationship had challenges.  Their histories and families were tricky.  Illness was common.  But through it all they dedicated their lives not only to one another but to their family.  They grew and changed when needed.  They adapted.  They jumped hurdles and ran races.  Nothing rattled him.  She presented issues.  Many of them.   He did not leave her side for a moment...for anything...or anyone...ever.  His one true love was all he needed.   He made her a good home.  He was a good father.  He was devoted and loyal.  He put her first, always.  She  was his soul mate.   That's what you do when you find your soul mate...you live for and with them...forever.

"grandfather, gentle soul, you'll fly
over your life once more before you die
since our grandma passed away
you've waited for forever and a day
just to die
and someday soon
you will die

it was the only woman you ever loved
that got burnt by the sun too often when she was young
and the cancer spread and it ran into her body and her blood
and there's nothing you can do about it now"

Keep Your Head Up (Andy Grammer)

     Times are a bit challenging yet again.  I'm dealing with the next phase of mourning it seems.  It snuck up on my ass.  Financial issues are flaring with the light of the 4th of July.  Friends are busy and the summertime is full of moments that need to be somehow both relaxing and full...simultaneously.  The To Do list is long but the sunshine and pool call to me as I look at my little ones dancing around in their swimsuits and masks.  There have been tricky trips, illnesses and overwhelming burdens to juggle.  But yesterday while talking at work with a like minded soul I realized it was ok to not only have moments of despair but to also have the moments that follow...when I kick the crap out of the negativity.  It's easy to succumb.  It's easy to play the sad, depressing music.  It's easy to sleep and skip meals and veg in front of the tv.  I haven't been choosing easy lately.  I've been pushing.  So I play the music that makes me shake my ass while I'm with my kids.  I eat the food that is healthy and light to make me feel better physically.  I take myself out of the comfort zone daily.  Daily.  And push.  Don't get me wrong if I feel the need to yell and scream and cry my eyes out...I DO!  With gusto.  But then I move on.  I remind myself about the things I want my life to BE.  I think about all that I have already.  I find the moment in which I am living.  Not only do I search and often find rainbows but I have a group of friends who send me texts with their own sightings and pics.  Maybe there a few of us with this thinking.  Not only have I raised butterflies but when one flies by...we all stop to watch it.  I joke about the butterflies and rainbows but it seems to be my theme.  So to you I say...find your version of rainbows and butterflies.  Find the thing or person or place that makes your heart lighter and your load bearable.  And run to it when you need it.  Find that song that makes you dance.  The song that makes you sing.  The place that makes you happy.  The friend that makes you giggle.  The blog post amidst the sad and angry ones...that reminds you to keep your head up ;)

Breaking Down (in) Camp (Give Me Strength · Snow Patrol)

     There are times that push us.  Push us to be better...stronger...bigger.  We need these moments because we forget how truly strong we can be.  We take the ease of the day to day life for granted.  We forget that we can turn on a faucet and get fresh cold water when we need it.  Maybe we take showers without remembering that it is a luxury.  We eat when we are hungry because most of us are blessed enough to have food in every cabinet and drawer and within a cold fridge.  I knew camping would be a good reminder to not only myself but for the two little ones with me that have known the ease of life.  I had no idea how much bigger it would be.
     Beyond the unseasonable temperatures, unyielding insects and disappointing facilities there was more.  There was fear, hunger, thirst, some panic, illness, time restrictions, unfamiliar territory and worry.  But instead of losing it which I would've back in the day...I simply looked at the problem in front of me and figured out the solution.  Calmly.  I calculated.  I communicated.  I pushed through the fear and made decisions that were wise and thought out.  I also asked for help when I needed it.  People should never stop asking for help when they need  it.  That is why we have friends and families.  We ended the day safely.  I was proud of myself.  I needed a moment like this to remind myself of how brave and strong I can be...I forget.  I get lost in fear quite often and this challenge of the new has pushed me to remind myself.  I also realized that in the moments where fear and worry began to creep in I reached out to my girls.  They dug me out with words of inspiration.  They made me giggle as I stood there in the woods trying to figure out what was next.  They encouraged me when I grew weary.  I am lucky to have them.  I appreciate them more than they know.  I might be getting bigger, stronger and more able everyday but I'll never forget the support system that holds me up when it all gets too heavy for me to hold up on my own.  To them...thank you. Thank you more than you know.

My Most Important Job (Teach Your Children · Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young)

     I take parenting very seriously.  It can't be a part-time job or a hobby.  It is sometimes hard and maybe inconvenient or when I don't feel like it but I believe that every moment that passes should have some value in one way or another.  I love the mornings I sneak three different fruits into their healthy cereal.  I crave the nights they ask to hear the chosen story again, again, again.  I adore the moments of random sweetness when they need to hug you...and I never take an unsolicited "I love you" for granted.  Every moment of everyday is a chance to make them the best person they can be today as well as tomorrow.  That means a balance of push and pull, inspired and natural experiences, calm and busy.  There are days that I know I have done the best that I can do.  I take them in and soak them up and use them to inspire the days that are tricky. 
     This summer we belong to a pool.  I purchased the floats and toys and masks.  You can bring a kid to water but you can't make him swim...or can you?  Only a few weeks later I am watching my two little fishies swim about.  The big one is getting quite confident as she does handstands and flips under water but more importantly as she does fun jumps into the deep end and can swim to where she feels safe again.  My little guy is swimming underwater and coming up with quarters and toypedoes.  I watch with amazement as I realize we have all had a wonderful accomplishment.
     I will continue to buy books that brush up their skills.  I will always look for the healthy alternative and find ways to sneak exercise into everyday fun.  I will watch as their brains and personalities swell.  I will pat myself on the back for the nights I can reflect on a day full of wonder.  The ones where we can reflect on the new butterflies that hatched or the new flowers that bloomed.   Maybe some new artwork was hung up on the walls of our home to brighten the darker moments.  I  know that this will all go by way too quickly.  I will savor.  I will learn with them.  They teach me lessons as well.  But when I say I'm a mother it is a job that I value more than any other and I will know that I did my best at making it count.  I mess up.  I lose patience.  I allow late nights and junk food from time to time.  Sometimes we snuggle too long and have to make up for lost time.  Sometimes the laundry and cleaning steals time from them.  So I practice.  It's been almost ten years and I don't think a single day has gone by when I haven't learned something.  Each day is a day to be better, do better, love better.
     We mark the wall with lines and dates as we measure how their bodies grow.  We capture moments of wonder with photographs.  Colorful doodles from each stage of growth adorn my every space.   I never let a day go by without them being taught something...and I don't let a day go by that I do not learn as well.

Caterpillars to Butterflies (Helplessness Blues · Fleet Foxes)

     There is an anticipation that comes when a butterfly is waiting to break out of the chrysalis.  It is hanging there motionless and quiet. All the while there are a million little changes happening.  Wings are developing.  Parts are changing.  Sometimes I think this planet was given these creatures not only for their beauty but for the symbolism they contain.  I realize they are food as well and play their parts in the great cycle of life.  But for a bit they are a complete mystery.  A miracle.  An inspiration.
     I believe we as humans should treat ourselves the same way.  We can be caterpillars for quite some time.  We can wiggle on leaves and eat our way through the foliage.  We can plug along slowly but surely.  But there comes a time when that is no longer enough.  We know something is stirring within us.  The process is a mystery...the unknown is somewhat scary.  But like the caterpillar knows it is time to find a safe place to hang...the spirit knows something else is coming.  Now it is about development.  Growth.  Change.  It is about taking one thing and making it completely different.  It is in this change that the most beautiful thing can happen.  The butterfly doesn't necessarily decide on all of the changes but it knows what it must do to facilitate them.  It has to fatten up with milkweed.  It has to find a safe place to be.  It has to climb to a high point and fasten itself to a trusted leaf.  Then comes the chrysalis and it is now at the mercy of the elements with nothing more than the ability to fend off the predator with a mere little shaking of its home.  When it is ready it will emerge.  It will happen.  It is just a matter of when.  Each day it is a little less caterpillar and a little more butterfly. 
     I find myself changing each day.  I consciously make different decisions.  Sure, there are moments that are tricky as I try to loosen the velcro that has held me where I've always been...but I pull.  I push.  I twist.  I maneuver.  If it didn't work before I know it won't work NOW and I adapt.  Simply wanting something isn't enough....we have to prove to the universe that we deserve it.  The caterpillar does the work that it needs to and then the beauty can happen.  Like the butterfly who is changing a little each day...I, too, am changing.  A little more the me I want to be and a little less the person that I want to let go.  All the while my heart will be the one thing that remains pure and true just like the butterfly.

Senseless tragedy (Coming Home · Diddy & Dirty Money)

     I grew up in a place where the term "senseless tragedy" was as regular as the weather forecast.  It was in reference to the father who was shot down while defending the family business that left my nine year old friend without a Dad.  It was about how kids were attacked because of the neighborhood they were from or the jacket someone else wanted.  It was over sneakers and team rivalries.  It was random at times.  Completely random.  Wrong place at the wrong time.
     Some things never change.  This past week a high school graduation took place.  It was a day of promise and hope for a future full of chance and opportunity.  For some kids it was the start of something bigger...something brighter.  But as fate would have it another senseless tragedy occurred.  This bright future might have burned brighter than most.   When you see a star you just know it but I guess the heavens will know that sparkle now.
     To the family, friends, teachers and coaches who helped nurture that shine and watch the comet blaze down the field I am truly sorry for yet another senseless tragedy.  May you always be remembered as the star that you were.
     Be at peace Isayah Muller.

Flashbacks (Between the Lines · Sarah Bareilles)

     There is a scene at the end of the movie, The Sixth Sense, that is probably one of the most memorable of any movie.  It is a series of memories being flashed at you but this time it is the reality of them.  It is the truth being seen instead of the illusion that was set up through the entire film.  It had so much impact for me as this man realized what was really going on as opposed to what he believed. 
      I have this happen so much lately.  My life as I knew it wasn't real.  It was twisted with illusion and hope.  I was given a nice stage and some decent plot with interesting writing...but now looking back I am feeling more and more like the idiot at the end of the movie.  This wide-eyed optimist was easy to fool I guess.  At times it makes me sad.  I imagine I am watching this film.  I feel bad for the character watching her life stream before her eyes.  I feel bad that she thought life was so different than it really was.  I laugh at her for thinking she had any power at all because looking back she was played so well that she didn't even feel a thing.  Other times it makes me angry.  So many decisions were made based on this life and to find out it wasn't authentic means the decisions were all wrong.
     The irony of it all is that I believed I was so aware of my surroundings.  I thought I had some hand in the movie that was playing.  I thought I held the camera and created the script and designed the costumes.  Well, the joke is on me.  I was merely a stage hand.  An extra.
     At the end of the Sixth Sense a movie is over.  All that is left is this sad feeling for this man so attached to his old life that he couldn't see it for what it really was.  I can't get up and leave this theater.  It is all still around me everyday.  I am watching those flashes of memory now...little by little...all over the place.  I see the images being shattered as the memory is shifted from my creation to its own reality.  I cringe as new ones pop up.  As I tune up my lost intuition they all become so clear.  Maybe I was distracted.  Maybe I was naive.  Maybes don't get me my life back.  They don't allow for the redo.
      So now I am here wondering what to filter out and what to keep.  Every word has doubt.  Every promise was empty.  Every memory is questioned.  That sad feeling at the end of the movie is now a partner that seems to follow me around.  A shadow looming in the background of every thought that I have.  Was this real?  Was that genuine?  No, no...not that one, too! Little strings being snipped as I rethink all of it with open eyes this time around.  I once called a boy gullable.  Well karma...I get it...the joke was on me.  So now the movie is over.  People are throwing out their empty bags of popcorn and soda cups.  They are grabbing their sweaters and checking their pockets.  They are leaving the theater and heading back to their real lives.  Only for me the movie is playing over and over and I don't get to leave the theater.  As the credits play and the words come up upon the screen I will read them all looking for hints or clues.  I will wish for some extra footage with the answers to it all.  Some huge revelation that makes sense of it all.  But the screen has gone black and the sound system is now playing generic music.  The lights are on...bright and painful.  I have to leave the theater and hope that the details fade.  I'm hoping to forget some of the scenes.  I hope that someday I can say that though I don't remember all of the details I do remember thinking the movie was a good one.

What do you do? (Let Go · Frou Frou)

     I met someone new yesterday.  As grown ups we don't meet people often.  I was asked about myself.  I realized as I was answering I sounded like a hot mess.  Just simply talking about my current state of life...I sounded so lost.  I didn't mean to and I certainly wasn't being a Debbie Downer...it was just life at this point.  I went about my business with little whispers in my head.
    Analyzing life is what I do these days.  Some people scrapbook or take photos.  Some people golf or read.  I analyze.  I look at choices and decisions and wonder what I could have done differently.  I wonder about the yesterday, the today and the tomorrow of it all.  I hush myself.  I watch the sunny hills as I drive through country roads.  I listen to the faint strings in the background of a song I have heard a million times.  I look to make old things new and new things old.  I try.  But when someone just asks what you are or what you do...there it all is.  I don't know what I'm doing right now.  It's that simple.  I also heard myself say something about how hard it was not knowing when I am such a typical overachiever. 
     But the truth is I have been enjoying this new journey.  When you watch a hoarder show and they bring in the big guns...the organizing freaks who kick ass...what do they do?  They take the room that needs to be fixed and EMPTY it.  They sort what they are keeping in a pile.  They decide what they are donating.  There is always a huge pile of things they are dumping.  Then they find out what the person wants and needs in that room.  They design it with colors and accessories that will make them happier.  They organize it.  They create systems that will help the person to maintain the scary new thing that they are doing.  Well I am doing all of it.  I am the hoarder.  I have everything that has ever happened to me all trapped in my brain.  It has been taking up space...prime real estate.  I am the sweeper who is coming in to help me purge.  I am the designer of the new space.  I am the person who will be living in the new place that is created.  I am the one taking the stuff to the dump or donating it.  I am giving away what is no longer necessary. 
     All other methods have proven unsuccessful.  Little bits and pieces of things still left to linger.  I have taken my arm and swept all contents of the table onto the floor.  Swooooosh.  One giant push.  I am now sitting on the floor and digging through the piles with a garbage can nearby.  The walls are white and bare.  The floor is unfinished.  The blank space can be quite overwhelming.  It is why people hire designers who are trained just for that purpose.  But lately I am deciding what will make the cut.  There are colors to be picked and furniture to be moved.  There might be some artwork that needs to go up.  I will pick and search for things that will make me happy in this room.  This room that is me.  My life.
     So yes...I don't know what I am or what I do at the moment.  I am new.  I am different.  If it didn't work for 38 years it needs to go.  If it wasn't my voice it needs to be quieted.  If it is no longer my taste it can be changed.  I will spend each day cleaning, searching and finding until my room is a nice place to lay my head at night.   It might be a bit time consuming spending all of this energy in finding me but something tells me it will all be quite worth it.  So when you ask what I am or what I do...I might say "I don't know" but somewhere in there is the biggest irony yet...I never really did know.  All of that time I was actually floating around lost.  Now when I say "I don't know" it's a good thing.  Now I am aware of it all and maybe just maybe can start to find my way to being found. 

Walk it all away... (Skinny Love · Bon Iver)

     Last night I walked.  It was kinda late and I had a slight panic moment when a jogger ran up behind me (too many crime shows).  The tall lights of the stadium called to the collection of moths and insects and left a surreal moment... where it was hot out yet in the lamp light it looked as if it was snowing.  I watched my shadow as it walked the track with me...tall and steady.  It reminded me of the games of manhunt as a kid in the Bronx.   There was a peace to it all back then and the same still applies. 
     I head to the track with ipod charged and emotions high because I need to get it all out.  I go for a "short walk" and end up with a weakened battery and sore feet three miles later.  I have realized the amount of walking that I do coincides with the amount of stuff I need to walk off.  This night was a big one.  The first lap was dedicated to realizing how badly I need new sneakers...they hurt.  The next lap brought me back to summer as a kid.  The lap after that I discovered the bats zipping by above me for the tasty and simple fly thru meals at the lights.   I found some good songs that kept my pace even.  A mile in I start to think about the topics that get me to the track in the first place.  There are countless ones so I am never short for material.  I do try to give them a place order though and take them on one at a time.  Some get pushed to the bottom of the list for another walk...others are right there screaming to be first. 
     I might cry for a bit.  I figure it is just burning extra calories so it's quite alright.  I don't get much time alone to cry and I don't like to get it on everyone so this works out nicely.  Plus, if someone crazy does want to kidnap me maybe he'll go for a less complicated subject.  I walk.   I push the crap of it all down in my body and with each step that I take I release some of it.  I visualize it leaving me.  It's black and toxic and as it leaves my body there is a white peace to take its place.  I then switch lanes with each lap not only to keep track of my mileage but to not accidentally step in the same stuff and pick it up with my sneaker only to have to dump it again.  By the time I head the other way on the track descending back down the lane numbers it has dissipated.  Or maybe a bat or moth has eaten it all up.  They are tasty little morsels.  Somewhere around the eleventh lap a skunk reminds me that sometimes a beautiful warm night can be broken up by the stench of a scared little critter.  We all have our defense mechanisms.  Some are healthier than others.  Some are simple and clear and others are complicated and quiet but either way they get us through.  They get us through the moments that are too hard to face.  The trick is to learn them.  Learn them and find the antidote.   Learn them and the process that they are.  It is also nice to make them as healthy as possible.  I used to drive when I needed a breather.  Walking has proven to be so much more effective.  I envision myself someday walking the track smaller and lighter in both weight and burden...maybe then I'll only need a few laps.  Until then I will walk.