Stronger · Kelly Clarkson

     We all need a song that gets us to get up on the mornings that it is rough.  Or get through the morning routine.  Or block out the time to think on the way to work.  We need a song...a mantra...that gives us strength when we are weak.  Gives us fire when we are weary.  Mine has been this one.  When I feel the whines start to bubble up within or the doom start to overshadow the sunshine I play it.  When I am exhausted from running around with all of my jobs, responsibilities and roles I play it.  When I am frustrated with the road that I am traveling I give the journey a little music.  As I sit there on the precipice of a breakdown I turn it up as loud as my speakers and ears can stand.  I sing.  I remember.  I move through it all and come out on the other end of the few minutes that have passed a better person.  Stronger.  It renews my energy source as well as my faith.  My faith that this will all turn out alright somehow.  That I will be so amazing because of all that I am learning.  I stand taller...feel bigger...smile brighter.  Sometimes it takes one play.  Other times it is on repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.   Each time a focus on another challenge.  Each time making me a little bit stronger. 

    

Hand in my Pocket (Alanis Morisette)

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything is going to be quite alright
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken ****
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

And what it all comes down to, my friends, yeah
Is that everything is just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

(All pretty true...except there will never be a cigarette to flick!)

No More Tears · Donna Summer

     Saturday mornings as a child meant it was time to clean.  The living room was my responsibility  from a fairly young age.  I dusted all of the large wooden (70's) pieces of furniture.  One of those humungous pieces was the cabinet that held the record player.  Music genres were as abundant as cleaning products in my house.  Some Saturdays meant musicals.  Others meant jazz.  Occasionally there was classical.  But some Saturdays we played this song.  Loud.  Really loud.  Not once but over and over.  I didn't care because it was disco and I am STILL a huge fan.  It makes you dance even when you don't feel like it.  I had no idea what the song meant though I did start to connect the dots.  My Dad worked a man's job five days a week and occasionally he HAD to work a Saturday.  I believe that it was played more on those weekends.  They also had many, many, many challenges in those early years and I guess this was an anthem from time to time.  They got in almost 40 years together so I think they ended up just fine.
     I haven't thought about this song in years.  Today, Donna Summer died.  My friend posted this song and as soon as I hit "play" the memories flooded back to me.  It brought me right back to the duets with my Mom.  We would each take a part and try to hold the long note.  As a grown woman I now know why she must've played this song on repeat loud enough to deafen her small child.   I understand so much more these days.
     This week has been a particularly tough one but I'm trying to keep above water.  There are many interesting little ironies about this event and the timing of it all....but I guess in the spirit of Ms. Summer I will simply sing..."Enough is enough".

Free · Graffiti6

If I lay my head down on you, would it be, would it be too late?
Cuz' you were my protection, from the rain inside
Made me feel loved like the old days, yeah
But I can't blame you, baby it's me that'd done wrong
Cuz' I broke the skies that shine above.

But I can't live, oh without you, love you, and it's hard to breath
when you're not near
But I can't lie here beside you, besides you,
cuz' you steal my soul when you leave
Set me free baby, set me free baby.

I need some one to hold me, wrap their arms and
embrace the air I breathe. Cuz' you were my shelter,
now the heart you hold is somebody else's baby
Now I can't love you baby if you don't,
but I stay in love, in love, with you.
Oh yes I do.

But I can't live, oh without you, love you,
and it's hard to breath when you're not near
But I can't lie here beside you, besides you,
cuz you steal my soul when you leave
Set me free baby, Oh set me free baby.

Don't you know that I can't, no I can't, live, oh without you,
love you, and it's hard to breath when you're not near
oh yes it is!
But I can't lie here beside you, besides you,
cuz you steal my soul when you leave
Set me free babe, set me free babe.

The Scientist · Coldplay

     A scientist takes a world of entropy and makes sense of it all.  They create a formula that can set up rules and then test for a specific result.  Once they have this new knowledge there is something upon which to base all new results.  It means they don't have to waste time testing the same hypothesis over and over...they can move on to the next level. 
     I have approached my life like a scientist in many ways.
I ponder.
I watch.
I collect my data.
I try a method.  It fails.
I try another.
I test.
I research.
I adjust my calculations.
I change my conditions.
I observe.
I make conclusions. 
Lately, I even record my findings.

    I have been doing this since I was old enough to breathe.  Maybe it is why tricky subjects like chemistry and advanced biology came easy to me.  Maybe it is why I have been pondering a whole new career in nursing lately.  Maybe it is simply because I needed to make order out of a life of disorder.  My frustration came when the rules got fuzzy, the lines got blurred, the simple reaction was switched up.  As I grew I learned yet another science.  Psychology gave me more answers.  It made things a bit more clear about the mass that hides in our skull.  But there are so many variables and factors that it leaves one feeling even more perplexed.   My methods have proven some things but they have also failed miserably.  Plus, once the answer comes...it isn't always one that I hoped for. Yet, in every single place that I can I try to bring order.  I try to find a system of balance and clarity.  I try to devise formulas.  If....then.   A or B.  Success or failure.  When my experiment fails I look back to the step where it all went wrong.  I rebuild from there.  I erase all of the scribbles I have placed on the chalkboard and I go back to the place it fell apart.  Eventually my chalk gets too tiny to write with.  Sometimes I run out of space.  But my brain has way too much room....
     Maybe the science will make sense of the pain.  Hopefully the date will support the ideal.  My life now is a series of swipes.  They erase.  I erase what was known and leave a blank space for what could be.  I go back to the place where I feel their was error and I try to reformulate.  Still thinking like a scientist.  The problem is this scientist has a heart.  A weary one at that.  Hearts do not follow the rules.  Science doesn't allow for memories, emotions or souls.  A leads to B which leads to C.  Period.  No technological advances can save this girl.  No fancy new gadgets.  I had been thinking that science was this issue.  The problem is not with the science but forgetting the laws that apply.  I still remember to ask a question, do background research, construct a hypothosis and test it.  I know to collect my data and analyze my results.   But somewhere in there and before I get to communicate my results...I am "talked out" of science.  By one variable or another.  I just checked on the rules and these were some of my finds:

     "Do Background Research: Rather than starting from scratch in putting together a plan for answering your question, you want to be a savvy scientist using library and Internet research to help you find the best way to do things and insure that you don't repeat mistakes from the past.

     You should also repeat your experiments several times to make sure that the first results weren't just an accident. 


Analyze Your Data and Draw a Conclusion: Once your experiment is complete, you collect your measurements and analyze them to see if your hypothesis is true or false.
Scientists often find that their hypothesis was false, and in such cases they will construct a new hypothesis starting the entire process of the scientific method over again. Even if they find that their hypothesis was true, they may want to test it again in a new way."

       So just when I was doubting myself as a scientist...though be it now for life and not for school... I see that my methods can work.  I just have to follow them.  I have been a lax scientist.  I let things and people persuade me to disbelieve my findings.   But this review has brought me one line that seems to be the most important, "...to help you find the best way to do things and insure that you don't repeat mistakes from the past."
    
 If only there was some equation or mnemonic to help me with that one....
    

Everything at Once · Lenka

    While you are getting a tooth worked on and the nerve is exposed you feel more.  The air hurts.  The cold water is painful.  The sharp tools bring tears to your eyes.  The normal conditions that might come upon on your sensitive little tooth feel anything but normal.  They are bigger.  Unrelenting.  
     Life feels like that.  I find a certain breeze can hurt.  A scent can bring tears to my eyes.  Sometimes it is unexpected.  The moments catch me off guard.  Nerves exposed.  And while I am spinning and dodging hazards here...some others might catch me over there.  Tricky little tools they are.  It leaves a person feeling a bit confused.  From moment to moment everything can change.  Strong then weak.    Angry enough to change things in one breath and too defeated to move in the next.   Ready to conquer the world come sunrise and too tired to lift a finger by sundown.  Each clock tick in between is a grab bag of everything the heart, soul and mind can feel.  Nerves are protected for a reason.  Exposure means risk.  It is even trickier when you didn't plan the exposure.  With each feeling comes a new way to deal with it.  It means being strong, kind, brave, vulnerable, light, heavy...any and all...at any given moment.  It is exhausting in a whole new way.  You have to redefine yourself.  You have to search for sources and methods you are not accustomed to.  
     Eventually the nerve is safe again... but for the time that it is raw, exposed and painful you find yourself bargaining with time and pain.  You become what you need to in that second or everything at once hoping that will do the trick.  Everything at once means at least one of the emotions will work with what you are facing.  Throw all of the weapons and one is bound to battle for you. 

Heart of Life · John Mayer

I give lots of encouragement to others.  Not much seems to come TO ME these days in any form...and somewhere along the line I forgot that I can be my biggest source of strength.  So to the sad little girl facing another tough day...here you go....

(P.S.  Because I just wrote a line and deleted it fifteen times...this also goes out to my sister and to the friend I know is having a really tough time right now...I can't just cheer for me....it seems to be impossible. :)

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good