Looking Back at Me (If I Had Eyes · Jack Johnson)

     Light bulbs.  Aha moments.  Sixth Sense montages.  Call it what you want...I have them all of the time now.  They haunt my dreams.  They smack me in the face here...gently poke at me there.  As they happen so does the growth, the clarity and the realizations that go with them.  They help me to move forward.
     The process might not always be that easy.  Some days as I figure out an old riddle I want a chance at the new approach.  But life doesn't work that way.   What I can do though is use the new skills with my tomorrows.
     I've been angry at myself for not seeing so many things that were right in front of my face.  But I am learning to forgive that naive and trusting girl who tends to see the best in people even when they are not necessarily exhibiting the most honest qualities.  For a little bit I was thinking that I needed to wise up....be tough...get hard.  But c'mon now...this is me.  I want to see the silver lining in the darkest of clouds.  I don't need to become jaded and cynical...just more selective maybe.
     I've been even more angry at myself for many other reasons.  Somewhere along the line I switched up my priorities.  I forgot that doing for others makes us feel good.  I forgot to take care of the people who needed it.  I got lost in the shuffle of life...jobs...motherhood...money...to do lists.  I was trying to change the world instead of changing the attitude I had toward the world.  That might be the biggest lesson learned thus far.  Acceptance of others for who and what they are....sure does make it all make sense.  I don't stand in line at the amusement park to design the hills and g forces on the roller coaster...I just get on to enjoy the wild ride for what it is.
     I look back at so much now.  When the breakdown began.  When the girl lost her voice.  Her spirit.  When she got bogged down by garbage and lost her sparkle.  I try to see through to a time when she played in the sunshine...whether the sun was out or not.  I am trying to be more like her.  Fearless.  Brave.  Strong and sure.  She loved big...even when it broke her heart.  She took risks.  She climbed rocks and dangled on ropes.  She laughed.  Laughed loud and often.  I figure when I get out of this mess I will have the perfect combination of the life force she had combined with the wisdom of the years that followed.  She will only get better.  I just have to keep her in my line of vision as a reminder for both the good and the bad that needs to be let go of or held on to.