Last night I walked. It was kinda late and I had a slight panic moment when a jogger ran up behind me (too many crime shows). The tall lights of the stadium called to the collection of moths and insects and left a surreal moment... where it was hot out yet in the lamp light it looked as if it was snowing. I watched my shadow as it walked the track with me...tall and steady. It reminded me of the games of manhunt as a kid in the Bronx. There was a peace to it all back then and the same still applies.
I head to the track with ipod charged and emotions high because I need to get it all out. I go for a "short walk" and end up with a weakened battery and sore feet three miles later. I have realized the amount of walking that I do coincides with the amount of stuff I need to walk off. This night was a big one. The first lap was dedicated to realizing how badly I need new sneakers...they hurt. The next lap brought me back to summer as a kid. The lap after that I discovered the bats zipping by above me for the tasty and simple fly thru meals at the lights. I found some good songs that kept my pace even. A mile in I start to think about the topics that get me to the track in the first place. There are countless ones so I am never short for material. I do try to give them a place order though and take them on one at a time. Some get pushed to the bottom of the list for another walk...others are right there screaming to be first.
I might cry for a bit. I figure it is just burning extra calories so it's quite alright. I don't get much time alone to cry and I don't like to get it on everyone so this works out nicely. Plus, if someone crazy does want to kidnap me maybe he'll go for a less complicated subject. I walk. I push the crap of it all down in my body and with each step that I take I release some of it. I visualize it leaving me. It's black and toxic and as it leaves my body there is a white peace to take its place. I then switch lanes with each lap not only to keep track of my mileage but to not accidentally step in the same stuff and pick it up with my sneaker only to have to dump it again. By the time I head the other way on the track descending back down the lane numbers it has dissipated. Or maybe a bat or moth has eaten it all up. They are tasty little morsels. Somewhere around the eleventh lap a skunk reminds me that sometimes a beautiful warm night can be broken up by the stench of a scared little critter. We all have our defense mechanisms. Some are healthier than others. Some are simple and clear and others are complicated and quiet but either way they get us through. They get us through the moments that are too hard to face. The trick is to learn them. Learn them and find the antidote. Learn them and the process that they are. It is also nice to make them as healthy as possible. I used to drive when I needed a breather. Walking has proven to be so much more effective. I envision myself someday walking the track smaller and lighter in both weight and burden...maybe then I'll only need a few laps. Until then I will walk.
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