The 21 year old me had the world at her fingertips. She had found her someday husband. She was finishing up school. The teaching that she had loved since childhood was right there in her lap. She bought her first new car. Her parents were in their own groove. She was tan and fit and happy. She was surrounded by good friends. She was full of confidence. She had good jobs and had perfect credit. It was all playing out perfectly. When she smiled it was from the inside out. She was more her than ever before and it would be the last time she felt that way...
Fast forward...through the moves, jobs, wedding, deaths, babies, trips, friends, meals, holidays, bars, anniversaries, therapy sessions, bosses, pets, paint swatches, recipes, shopping, books, concerts, wings, gallery openings, classes, seedlings, gadgets, bonuses, debts, certificates, vacations, status updates and every moment that fills in the time between those things.
Now you will find me here. I am sifting through old things and old memories. I am wondering where and what and why and how. I have to quiet the constant frequencies of the old. They play in the background like static on an old am radio. Sometimes they make my decision for me. Sometimes they screw up the new. Ghosts. I rewind my old top loader vcr with the wire and remote with three buttons and play the same stuff over and over. I try to figure out the pivotal moments that changed it all. Where did she go? What decision was perfect and which changed my life forever?
How many of us still use our top loading vcr with the wire that trips everyone that walks by? None of us. We have computers with a show or movie at our beck and call. We have dvrs that keep our picks for us. We watch when we feel like it and we delete as we see fit. Shoot, we don't even waste time with introduction theme songs (well except for certain shows like Big Bang) or commercials. I can watch certain competition shows in 13 minutes if I push through all of the stuff I don't want to see. So why in life am I hanging onto the vcr? Why am I playing the same old tapes over and over? They look grainy and sound muted.
When you get a new gadget you have to figure it out. Some read the directions and manuals...others play until they get it right. There is a learning curve. We won't be as fast with the functions or quick and nimble with the applications. We will have to learn it all over again. Someday it will be taken for granted that we know what we are doing. We will forget that it was rough there for a bit as we learned the new. There might be resistance to the learning and growth. It's not easy. Someday we will just be glad that the picture is clearer, the sound is pure and the functions are much more efficient. In the meantime, it will be a challenge.
So here we are in present time. The 21 year old got lost but the feeling has been found. It is all right in front of me. The difference now is that there is experience, maturity, and a giant sieve. It will shake life and see what is worth salvaging in the basket and what falls through to be left. I will have moments of fear and worry and loss and regret but they will diminish and fade as the new hope for tomorrow kicks it all out of the way.
It is time to hit the PLAY button.
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