Assessment (Sweet Disposition · The Temper Trap)

     I have been a cheerleader my whole life and I don't mean the type with the pom poms.  As a little girl I was given the job of jester to a mother, who though wonderful, had many challenges and even more demons.  She looked to a little girl to soothe her and make her smile.  Our relationship was a beautiful thing and a heavy burden all at the same time.  This trend continued.  I was the one giving people pep talks in most situations.  I was the one supporting decisions and helping to make things happen.  Most times I did not volunteer...the jobs just seemed to come my way.  So that is what I do.  If you are having a moment where you are lost I will put in my 37 cents (5 cents just won't do).  The problem with that is you forget to cheer yourself on.  You forget that you are there at all as you fix and placate and tend to the lost of the world. 
     I have been on a journey this year to find me.  As I go to weekly therapy sessions to clear my head about the changes the same topic keeps coming up.  I seem to have a problem with me.  I worry about others opinions and what punishment I will get if I make one decision over another.  I know that if I do what is right for me it will make others angry.  I also have some weird thing about not deserving to have time and attention from people.  I give...I don't take.  It feels odd to do the opposite.  I have been practicing to do what I need to and let the rest deal with their own lives.  This doesn't mean I won't be your pep talk pal or there when you need me...it just means I am taking some time to be my own jester.
     I am almost to my halfway point of new things.  I am pretty proud so far.  Some were pretty big.  If it wasn't for this little challenge I don't think I would've been able to push myself properly.  Some were silly.  But that is life...balance.  For every great adventure that was taken and every  happy blog post that came with it there were moments of complete and utter desperation.  For every good moment of easy there were several of pain.  But I can't even begin to explain the feelings it has allowed me to explore.  I am a chicken and this has pushed me.  It will continue to push.  This challenge has also made life COMPLETELY different.  Now I can't imagine living life without it.  It is a treasure hunt with a natural high every single day. 
     The second part of my challenge is approaching.  I have many more goals.  I have some plans.  I have people I need to spend time with and others I need to find or catch up with.  I have a few I need to let go of...they will be in the wake of my path along with junk I have accumulated through the years and clothes that will be too big.  I will welcome the new cosmic pals that have found me and allow them to take care of me a bit.  When you find me asking for a new idea it is really because I need one and so many of you have helped me.  I am open to the love and support and celebration that comes with life.  I don't want to be a victim or a martyr.  I want to be the ball of sunshine who always searches for the rainbow after a shower.  Thank you for the help...the support...the words of love.  Thank for the invites and new ideas.  Please don't be shy about ideas because this chicken is getting more brave every minute.  Life just doesn't seem like living when you are scared to death of feeling it all.  Life just isn't the same without loving your circle with reckless abandon.  Life feels weird with support and love around me...funny, one would think that was a normal feeling.  Maybe by the end of the year it will be.