Stronger · Kelly Clarkson

     We all need a song that gets us to get up on the mornings that it is rough.  Or get through the morning routine.  Or block out the time to think on the way to work.  We need a song...a mantra...that gives us strength when we are weak.  Gives us fire when we are weary.  Mine has been this one.  When I feel the whines start to bubble up within or the doom start to overshadow the sunshine I play it.  When I am exhausted from running around with all of my jobs, responsibilities and roles I play it.  When I am frustrated with the road that I am traveling I give the journey a little music.  As I sit there on the precipice of a breakdown I turn it up as loud as my speakers and ears can stand.  I sing.  I remember.  I move through it all and come out on the other end of the few minutes that have passed a better person.  Stronger.  It renews my energy source as well as my faith.  My faith that this will all turn out alright somehow.  That I will be so amazing because of all that I am learning.  I stand taller...feel bigger...smile brighter.  Sometimes it takes one play.  Other times it is on repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.   Each time a focus on another challenge.  Each time making me a little bit stronger. 

    

Hand in my Pocket (Alanis Morisette)

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything is going to be quite alright
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken ****
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

And what it all comes down to, my friends, yeah
Is that everything is just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

(All pretty true...except there will never be a cigarette to flick!)

No More Tears · Donna Summer

     Saturday mornings as a child meant it was time to clean.  The living room was my responsibility  from a fairly young age.  I dusted all of the large wooden (70's) pieces of furniture.  One of those humungous pieces was the cabinet that held the record player.  Music genres were as abundant as cleaning products in my house.  Some Saturdays meant musicals.  Others meant jazz.  Occasionally there was classical.  But some Saturdays we played this song.  Loud.  Really loud.  Not once but over and over.  I didn't care because it was disco and I am STILL a huge fan.  It makes you dance even when you don't feel like it.  I had no idea what the song meant though I did start to connect the dots.  My Dad worked a man's job five days a week and occasionally he HAD to work a Saturday.  I believe that it was played more on those weekends.  They also had many, many, many challenges in those early years and I guess this was an anthem from time to time.  They got in almost 40 years together so I think they ended up just fine.
     I haven't thought about this song in years.  Today, Donna Summer died.  My friend posted this song and as soon as I hit "play" the memories flooded back to me.  It brought me right back to the duets with my Mom.  We would each take a part and try to hold the long note.  As a grown woman I now know why she must've played this song on repeat loud enough to deafen her small child.   I understand so much more these days.
     This week has been a particularly tough one but I'm trying to keep above water.  There are many interesting little ironies about this event and the timing of it all....but I guess in the spirit of Ms. Summer I will simply sing..."Enough is enough".

Free · Graffiti6

If I lay my head down on you, would it be, would it be too late?
Cuz' you were my protection, from the rain inside
Made me feel loved like the old days, yeah
But I can't blame you, baby it's me that'd done wrong
Cuz' I broke the skies that shine above.

But I can't live, oh without you, love you, and it's hard to breath
when you're not near
But I can't lie here beside you, besides you,
cuz' you steal my soul when you leave
Set me free baby, set me free baby.

I need some one to hold me, wrap their arms and
embrace the air I breathe. Cuz' you were my shelter,
now the heart you hold is somebody else's baby
Now I can't love you baby if you don't,
but I stay in love, in love, with you.
Oh yes I do.

But I can't live, oh without you, love you,
and it's hard to breath when you're not near
But I can't lie here beside you, besides you,
cuz you steal my soul when you leave
Set me free baby, Oh set me free baby.

Don't you know that I can't, no I can't, live, oh without you,
love you, and it's hard to breath when you're not near
oh yes it is!
But I can't lie here beside you, besides you,
cuz you steal my soul when you leave
Set me free babe, set me free babe.

The Scientist · Coldplay

     A scientist takes a world of entropy and makes sense of it all.  They create a formula that can set up rules and then test for a specific result.  Once they have this new knowledge there is something upon which to base all new results.  It means they don't have to waste time testing the same hypothesis over and over...they can move on to the next level. 
     I have approached my life like a scientist in many ways.
I ponder.
I watch.
I collect my data.
I try a method.  It fails.
I try another.
I test.
I research.
I adjust my calculations.
I change my conditions.
I observe.
I make conclusions. 
Lately, I even record my findings.

    I have been doing this since I was old enough to breathe.  Maybe it is why tricky subjects like chemistry and advanced biology came easy to me.  Maybe it is why I have been pondering a whole new career in nursing lately.  Maybe it is simply because I needed to make order out of a life of disorder.  My frustration came when the rules got fuzzy, the lines got blurred, the simple reaction was switched up.  As I grew I learned yet another science.  Psychology gave me more answers.  It made things a bit more clear about the mass that hides in our skull.  But there are so many variables and factors that it leaves one feeling even more perplexed.   My methods have proven some things but they have also failed miserably.  Plus, once the answer comes...it isn't always one that I hoped for. Yet, in every single place that I can I try to bring order.  I try to find a system of balance and clarity.  I try to devise formulas.  If....then.   A or B.  Success or failure.  When my experiment fails I look back to the step where it all went wrong.  I rebuild from there.  I erase all of the scribbles I have placed on the chalkboard and I go back to the place it fell apart.  Eventually my chalk gets too tiny to write with.  Sometimes I run out of space.  But my brain has way too much room....
     Maybe the science will make sense of the pain.  Hopefully the date will support the ideal.  My life now is a series of swipes.  They erase.  I erase what was known and leave a blank space for what could be.  I go back to the place where I feel their was error and I try to reformulate.  Still thinking like a scientist.  The problem is this scientist has a heart.  A weary one at that.  Hearts do not follow the rules.  Science doesn't allow for memories, emotions or souls.  A leads to B which leads to C.  Period.  No technological advances can save this girl.  No fancy new gadgets.  I had been thinking that science was this issue.  The problem is not with the science but forgetting the laws that apply.  I still remember to ask a question, do background research, construct a hypothosis and test it.  I know to collect my data and analyze my results.   But somewhere in there and before I get to communicate my results...I am "talked out" of science.  By one variable or another.  I just checked on the rules and these were some of my finds:

     "Do Background Research: Rather than starting from scratch in putting together a plan for answering your question, you want to be a savvy scientist using library and Internet research to help you find the best way to do things and insure that you don't repeat mistakes from the past.

     You should also repeat your experiments several times to make sure that the first results weren't just an accident. 


Analyze Your Data and Draw a Conclusion: Once your experiment is complete, you collect your measurements and analyze them to see if your hypothesis is true or false.
Scientists often find that their hypothesis was false, and in such cases they will construct a new hypothesis starting the entire process of the scientific method over again. Even if they find that their hypothesis was true, they may want to test it again in a new way."

       So just when I was doubting myself as a scientist...though be it now for life and not for school... I see that my methods can work.  I just have to follow them.  I have been a lax scientist.  I let things and people persuade me to disbelieve my findings.   But this review has brought me one line that seems to be the most important, "...to help you find the best way to do things and insure that you don't repeat mistakes from the past."
    
 If only there was some equation or mnemonic to help me with that one....
    

Everything at Once · Lenka

    While you are getting a tooth worked on and the nerve is exposed you feel more.  The air hurts.  The cold water is painful.  The sharp tools bring tears to your eyes.  The normal conditions that might come upon on your sensitive little tooth feel anything but normal.  They are bigger.  Unrelenting.  
     Life feels like that.  I find a certain breeze can hurt.  A scent can bring tears to my eyes.  Sometimes it is unexpected.  The moments catch me off guard.  Nerves exposed.  And while I am spinning and dodging hazards here...some others might catch me over there.  Tricky little tools they are.  It leaves a person feeling a bit confused.  From moment to moment everything can change.  Strong then weak.    Angry enough to change things in one breath and too defeated to move in the next.   Ready to conquer the world come sunrise and too tired to lift a finger by sundown.  Each clock tick in between is a grab bag of everything the heart, soul and mind can feel.  Nerves are protected for a reason.  Exposure means risk.  It is even trickier when you didn't plan the exposure.  With each feeling comes a new way to deal with it.  It means being strong, kind, brave, vulnerable, light, heavy...any and all...at any given moment.  It is exhausting in a whole new way.  You have to redefine yourself.  You have to search for sources and methods you are not accustomed to.  
     Eventually the nerve is safe again... but for the time that it is raw, exposed and painful you find yourself bargaining with time and pain.  You become what you need to in that second or everything at once hoping that will do the trick.  Everything at once means at least one of the emotions will work with what you are facing.  Throw all of the weapons and one is bound to battle for you. 

Heart of Life · John Mayer

I give lots of encouragement to others.  Not much seems to come TO ME these days in any form...and somewhere along the line I forgot that I can be my biggest source of strength.  So to the sad little girl facing another tough day...here you go....

(P.S.  Because I just wrote a line and deleted it fifteen times...this also goes out to my sister and to the friend I know is having a really tough time right now...I can't just cheer for me....it seems to be impossible. :)

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

Handing in my Pom Poms (Cheerleader · St. Vincent)

     I am almost 40 and these last (gulp) few months (4 of them) need to be the real deal.  Oh man, in my head I had way more time....guess counting the months was a good (crappy) thing.  I need to get down to business.  As I see it the first 40 years were dedicated to others.  I was a good little girl.  I was a model (dorky) student.  I performed as a cheerleader, track runner, volleyball player and lifeguard to the best of my abilities.  I put up with lots of girls and the crap that comes with them.  Boys....ugh...let's just say I've had my fill on that one as well.  I worked my ass off at every job I've ever had. Waitress, manager, teacher, seller of pizza to name a few.  The money was never the benefit...the proud boss was my payment.  Have you sensed a pattern.  I'm not really sure what, how, when and why it was ever for me. 
      And this was BEFORE motherhood.  Before being the grown child to two adult parents who needed help.  Before realizing that sometimes the people that you pick to grow old with have trouble growing up at all.  Then there are the people coming on 40 themselves....analyzing their lives and disappointed as if they just realized the movie they watched wasn't so good and they want their money back.  We are all tired.  More broke than ever.  More frustrated at the state of politics, finances, world news and current events than we ever have been up to this point and with good reason.  But I have been scrambling to get out from underneath the rubble for a few years now and I'm tired of it.  Not weary anymore...but tired.  Tired enough to stop doing it. 
     The next 40 plus years are going to be about being a cheerleader for the people who really matter...and I will be on that list...closer to the top.  I will inspire with excitement and celebrate with vigor but I am done trying to fix what ails you.  All of you.  Constantly.  I might lapse into the old role for a bit here and there and by no means am saying that I won't be a loyal and loving parent and friend but it will be different.  Because at the end of the first 40 years I don't really have much to show for all of the work now do I? 
      Here's to the next 4 months...leading to the next 40 years.  I'm handing in my pom poms. 

Little Talks · Of Monsters and Men

     "When it feels like everything is falling apart...

                                    that is when God is putting all of the right pieces together."

     This quote was someone's status update on Facebook the other day and it struck a chord in me.  I have some people that post endless motivational blurbs.  Sometimes they help more than that person every knows.   I still watch my Oprah Lifeclass.  I stay in touch with dear relatives as well as brand new friends that seem to push me to be who I need to.  My mind, my heart, my soul all wide open for the little words of little talks that help me to keep the faith....grow....see my new purposes.  I also find chances to speak to my children about what is important.  I scream at my Dad to find a reason to keep going when he misses my Mother.  I yell at the boys who need to grow up.  Little talks are sometimes loud.  I am also losing the shyness that used to inhibit me from speaking to people I care about and respect. 
     Then there is me.  Each day. Every day.  Relentlessly....I have little talks with myself.  Sometimes I have to process the long sleep of nightmares.  Other times I find myself in the middle of an emotional or mental exercise and I push my mind and spirit to lift the next higher "weight".  On long drives I pull myself out of the dark waiting for me and find the millions of reasons to be lighter.  I sometimes wonder what I used to do with all of this time when minds were fairly quiet and communication was at a whisper.  I then realize it was when the numbness had won out over the words.  When boredom had beaten out the bravery.  When old and repetitive was easier than the challenge of the new. 
     Now there are mantras.  Pep talks.  Quotes of inspiration.  Discussions with people who matter.  New stories are forming.  New horizons are showing me new views.   Some day the little talks will be replaced with new activities, exciting adventures and moments of glory but until then I will keep on chatting with myself until I remember...until it is second nature...until the good is all I can hear. 

If I Were a Boy (Beyonce)

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

Somebody That I Used To Know · Gotye

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody

We are Young (Fun)

    I had an epiphany the other day.  Somewhere between counting the greys that seem to be creeping up on my curly haired head and analyzing my lack of retirement funds...I realized that I am the youngest that I will ever be.  Let me say this again.

I. Am. The. Youngest. I. Will. Ever. Be.

I
am
the
youngest
I
will
ever
be.

The youngest I will ever be....I am.

Soy el más joven que nunca será.

I am drifting in a sea of ships celebrating four decades.  One by one we are sinking...into mid-life crises.  We are throwing in towels and hiking our pants to some crazy heights.  Actually, I have to say my peeps are aging quite gracefully...but we are still mere babies.  The life expectancy has to be up to 100 or so by now with all of this modern medicine, right?!?  Alright, maybe not...but come on.  Think about it.  Today....this day...this moment...you are the YOUNGEST you will ever be.  If you start to think this way there just might be a shift.  A shift to live life with a sense of exuberance.  With just a touch of wild abandon...whatever your "crazy" might be.  Maybe it's mild...but it is still YOUR "yeehaw" moment and nobody can steal that with their judgement.
     Now, I am not saying we should be irresponsible or that we should shrug the duties of adulthood...please, there is nothing more annoying than a "stuck" adult...but don't put one leg in the grave either.  Our forties are supposed to be when we really come into our own.  Find our voices.  So find it and let it sing!  Each day is a ticking clock in which we grow older but if you use this as a metronome to live...the music can be wonderful.  Look at it from one direction and you can grow sad and tired...or look at it the other way and start to feel YOUNGER.  The choice is yours.  I know which approach I'm going with! 
     It's the beginning of a weekend.  A weekend in which you will be the youngest you will ever be...LIVE LIKE IT!!!!

Under the Weather (KT Tunstall)

     At work the other day...hour by hour...I felt it.  First in my eyes.  Then my throat.  Glands tender.  Maybe I'm just exhausted I thought.  I made it to the pick up line at school where I put my car seat back and set an alarm to take a nap.  I don't remember falling asleep.  By the time dinner was over I was burning with fever and shaking with chills.  "NO!",  I thought.  Not me, not now.  I could push myself somewhere in between denial and stupidity or I could head to the couch.  I opted for the latter.  It's been days now.  Countless cups of tea and sinus pills later I am still not back to myself.  This begins to frustrate me.  I don't like to waste time especially when there is so much to do.  Being sick is a waste of time.  But somewhere in my head I hear my mother's voice...you are burnt.  My body is doing what it always has.  It stops me when I won't allow myself to stop.  If shuts down when I don't take breaks. 
     It has been the type of illness that doesn't allow reading.  I've been napping and eating oranges.  I've also been emptying my dvr.  It's been loaded because the old habit of watching countless hours of tv each week is down to very little.   I guess lots of habits are different or changing. 
     I have also had much time between cat naps and refills of tea mugs.  Time allows my mind to race.  I've been more sick lately than usual.  I think it's part of the mourning.  The old life is leaving me bit by bit and with it go pieces of me as well.  I discovered this in the funniest place.  My DVR.  Seems I've had shows tucked for a long time.  Now some of them don't even interest me anymore.   They were part of the distraction that life can provide for us if we allow it.  When you are quiet in bed...too tired to be productive...too still to play...too weary to allow the noise of life...is when you have to listen to the real stuff.  My last few weeks were insanely busy.  I rushed from thing to thing.  I am running from the ghosts of yesterday.  I am fleeing from the flurry of foes.  I am running.  Here in bed they can all catch me.  Ironically as my body seems to feel stronger my mind seems to feel heavier. 
     The skies have been grey and snowy all day.  My chocolate pooch has been my faithful companion.  My comforter has been my friend or enemy depending on the rush or fall of temperatures I am experiencing.  My phone has been fairly quiet.  I am in some quiet time out from the universe...and it's ok.  Maybe the spirit, the body, the mind just know that I am getting ready for the next round.  Just a little rest for the girl who doesn't know how to take it on her own so her body does it for her.   Maybe one of these days they can communicate better...

Everyday I'm Shufflin' (Party Rock Anthem · LMFAO)

pack lunches · work · rush to get kids from school · homework · make dinner · laundry · clean bathroom · vacuum · mail · trash night · another load of laundry · enter points · new things · blog posts · Words w Friends · pick up kids · PTO · birthday party · karate · more laundry · clean another bathroom · school project · read · tv night  · charts · recipes · menu planning · schedules · emails · shower · clean out fridge · trash night · tweet · scrub stove top · clean bird cage · dust · water plants · rearrange furniture · sort old clothes and donate · purge · catch up texts to pals · Dunkin' drive thru · charts · notes to Dad · walk dog · feed fish · clean birdcage · email parents · volunteer at school · dust · decorate for holidays · hang to dry clothes · empty dishwasher · find new recipe · catch a movie · post pics · scrub stove · play with dog ·
read to kids · email sister · get to gym · recycle catalogs · set up play dates · watch shows · read books · and about a million other little and big things each minute of each hour of each day of each week ·

and do it all over again and again and again and again...

My Heart in Winter (Winter Song · Ingrid and Sarah)

  I am looking at the peaceful snowy hillside outside of my window.  My heart is pounding outside of my chest...my head is pounding...my hands are trembling.   It seems that things aren't ready to be calm even if the scenery tries to deem it so. 
    Death, separations, harsh realities of childhood need to be exorcised properly...and if they aren't they will continue to haunt the soul.  They will whisper quietly when the days are busy.  They will shout when things are still.  Somewhere within is the dance we must do to navigate through it all.
     Maybe it just takes longer than I thought for them to all hit.  Figuring out one problem means that you have to see the thirty that were underneath and it makes for one gigantic mess.  One of my windows is clean but the others are cloudy...they obscure my view.  As I find my way others are tugging at me to stay behind.
     The shattered glass on my bedroom floor are the icicles of the heart.  They mirror the wintry landscape waiting outside my cave.  Winters are harsh.  We must bundle up to be safe.  We must drive carefully.  We must take precautions.  I guess it is like that in life as well.  We have to prepare for winter.
      Seasons have their time and then progress to the next...a cycle we set calendars and lives to.  Eventually the snow will melt.  The dirt will soften.  The flowers will pop.  The buds will sprout.  This will continue on and on and on as sure as the sun will shine and the air will fill our lungs on the inhale.  People are not seasons though...and one should not expect the same cycles that the seasons are so kind to provide.   Or should they?  Maybe we are seasons as well.  One thing following the other.  Summer will never provide the blazing foliage of fall and winter will never provide abundant gardens of greenery.  Why then do we think people will be able to change their very nature?  Seasons will come and go whether we want them to or not.  Rain will fall.  Snow will float.  Warmth will come.  Maybe we will just learn when to plant the seeds, how to drive in the ice and what is needed to be worn on our feet to protect us from the elements.  Maybe that is all we can do. 
    We can hope for the spring and the promise that it brings...and know that soon enough we will do it all over yet again.

Apologize (One Republic)

     The word apology has two definitions:

1. a verbal or written expression of regret or contrition for a fault or failing

2. a poor substitute or offering

 

    This is where it gets fuzzy.  Do we apologize for something that we did or said?  Do we apologize for how a person took what we said or did?  Or is that part out of your hands.  Couldn't ANY comment or action be seen in a different way.  It's relative and subjective in its very core.  Was the thought behind the comment mean...or harmless... and who is to decide which is which?   The second definition is more of how I operate.  "A poor substitute".  See, to me...you don't DO the deed or the damage or say the words that crush...and therefore have nothing TO apologize for.  Sure this is easier said than done...but proactive has always been better than reactive to me.  If an "I'm sorry" gets us out of hot water we would be throwing them like confetti at every banquet we ever visit.

      Turns out I have a hard time saying the words.  Maybe it's because I work really hard at not doing the damage in the first place.  Maybe it's because as a wee child I was taught that the sorry didn't really change anything.  Maybe it's an admission of my guilt and I am bad at that feat.  Maybe I've never really heard it coming in this direction.  Looking back I have had many a relationship in which the pain was delivered with ease and the apology was withheld just as easily.  So I might not really know how this concept even works.  It's a language that I don't know...like French or quantum physics.  But I have been practicing.  As a light bulb begins to shine over my head I immediately shed that light on the person that needed to hear the regret and sorrow that accompany it.  But somewhere in the I'm sorry I am left frustrated.  It doesn't turn back the time, it doesn't change the offense and it sure as hell never erases the feeling that goes along with it all.  Which brings me back to the initial conundrum.  Isn't it more important to not have a reason to apologize in the first place?

       This is where the work out comes in.  Learn who you are.  Decide to relinquish weapons.  Make people safe.  Keep yourself grounded.  Make the decision to allow something to effect you.  Make the decision to NOT allow something to effect you.  Grow up.  Be real.  Be vulnerable.  Find the trigger and unload the gun.  Keep your fingers off of the buttons.  Reach out.  Consider the source.  See the bully.  But more importantly live in the moment.  Are you fighting old demons?  Are you even battling the person in front of you...or are you allowing them to be covered by every other hurt that has ever happened...like a curtain.  When you want to learn how to shoot a gun there are many steps.  First, you must sign paperwork that releases what could happen.  Next, you are taught the language that is important to know.  Then you learn the safety techniques.  After all of that you still wear protective items and have to follow protocol.  Then and only then do you get to shoot the bullet.   Even then... there is a chance for injury...but the more we do, the more we learn, the more we know...the safer the weapon that we hold.  As for the one not holding the gun...would you stand in front of a loaded weapon? If we are shooting at cans in a field we are innocent but if a bird flies by at the wrong time and is killed...is the shooter at fault?  Ah, the carousel of morals that we can ride.  

I won't even get started on accidental vs. deliberate.  

      Maybe I hold onto the apology as a personal punishment.  If I say the word then I release the pain.  If I hold the word I hold the hurt that goes with it.  I teach myself a lesson.  I will say one thing...I apologize for being just as confused at the end of this post as I was at the beginning of it.  I apologize for not knowing all of the answers just yet...for that...I am truly sorry...but at least I am trying damn hard to find them. 

    

Bitter · Jill Sobule

     I get reminded on a very regular basis that when you know better you do better.  It's really quite true.  When surrounded by negativity and sadness...it's easier to bitch along with the other voices.  When swallowed up by low self-esteem and defensiveness...it's sometimes simpler to join the masses.  When the world is heavy it is sometimes too much to hold up.  But I like my optimism.  It is who I have always been.  So I guess just finding her again was the task.  I had no idea how much more I would get out of the journey.
    I am returning to the person who is truly happy for you when something good comes into your life.  I am grateful for the moments...tiny or huge...that make my heart smile.  I pause often to say "thanks" to the universe when I need to. 
     Yesterday I left therapy (an amazing session) and found myself open to the world.  Open.  None of my stuff was in the way.  I got a text from a dear friend and within seconds we had a coffee date.  Completely spontaneous.  (We don't do spontaneous...we are both over-planning-make·a·list-over-thinking virgos.) But there we were with two cups of coffee and a sweet little girl sharing not only minutes but hours.  It was a highlight in my week and a cherished time between two "sisters". Your support team needs to be a carefully crafted group.  At this time in our lives...when things are shifting...you better get the team right.  Nobody puts their bench warmers on the field for the big game.  So here I am with one hell of a coach, lots of practice time in and the most bad ass team ever. 
     I drove my car and somewhere in between the DD drive-thru and Jenne's house I smiled.  I then said out loud and all by myself..."I can have a nice life...it's ok...I can be happy...I can have friends that I love big...I can be proud of the children I have created...".  I sat there and rattled off the list of things I was happy and grateful for.  A verbalized mantra of love.  As I turned the corner the sun decided to peek through a puff of clouds and flooded onto my face in the car...a little confirmation from the skies. 
     We get a short time on this planet.  It is meant to learn, grow, feel and live.  Who are we to take such gifts and waste them on misery.  Find your demons, release your ghosts, bash your fears, release your triggers.  Heal.  Forgive.  Have empathy.  Find peace.  Say you are sorry.  Be happy for others when they are blessed.  Be grateful.  With so many amazing things TO BE...why the need to be bitter?
     Thank you again to my dearest teammates for putting on your gear and kicking a little ass on the field.  I don't have a game without you.  Also, thank you for the constant laughs...it makes it so much easier to not be bitter!

Another Year (Into the Wild · LP)

    A whole year has gone by.  I have been doing something new each day to distract me from the things that used to absorb my whole being.  I was so busy thinking about what needed to be done, what was messed up already and everything in between that I was missing the right now.  When you push yourself to be different each day...practice...exercise...put a heavier weight on the bar...you get stronger, better, bigger.  What used to terrify you is now nothing.  What used to scare you is now something you can face.  The big ones are still tough but you slowly use your new muscles to stand up taller than ever before. 
     It also takes the wires in your brain and moves them.  Reconnects them to new places or to ones that were severed.  It grows all new pathways for new thinking.  It is a beautiful thing.  I thought it was impossible.  I'm now telling you it is not.  You CAN change your thinking.  You can see things differently.  You can learn the tools needed to respond in a whole new way to the thing that might have taken you down before. 
     When I say yes to a movie I might never have watched...it is so much more than watching a different genre of movie...it is the process of opening up my world.  If I agree to slurp down a raw oyster...it is so much more than eating a piece of shellfish.  It is slurping down the idea that everyday can be a gift of some new adventure.  When I do the hard things like clean out a closet of a woman I can't bear to be without...I am doing it with a goal and it removes the obstacle and gives me a pathway to follow.
     The girl that used to say "no" because it was safer, easier or cheaper now looks to say "yes".  The woman that started to lose her voice has found it and is now practicing how to use it.  The Mom who used to let time pass now looks for ways to make it full.  The simple, the mundane is now a gift.  Adventure can come in many forms depending on what the spirit can handle that day.  Maybe one day it is shooting a gun and another it is merely a soup never tried before but that is the beauty of this process.  Do what you can that day.  Push when you need it.  Be gentle and kind if it's necessary.  Be brave when you are a chicken.  Be sensible when you need to be whole.  At the end of the year you discover not only are you what you needed to be all along but you always held the potential.  They say you shouldn't hold out for the potential of a person or an event....but I think with ourselves it's fine to...because we are only in charge of one thing in this world...our own self.   So maybe the others will be the way they are but how we can deal with them can change.
    Don't forget to be silly.  Please let yourself sob.  Be brave.  Ask yourself if you have done something that makes you feel uncomfortable today...because if you haven't...you haven't really lived. Remember to laugh at yourself.  We beat ourselves up far too often.  In the early part of last year I fell off of a step and twisted my ankle and skinned my wrist.  Immediate reaction was bad but as I sat there stunned and injured the next thought made it all better.  I had done my new thing of the day and suddenly I was giggling.  Just like that I was off the hook and something that could've been annoying was now quite comical. 
     This assignment has done so many good things in so many ways that I couldn't possibly list them all.  But let me share a big one.  I reach out to people now.  I am vulnerable and honest and raw.  I ask for help.  I beg for inspiration.  I never did that before.  I fought against the world behind a tiny shield.  Now I have an army behind me and another at my side.  I thank you all for your help this year as I learned the process.  I ask for it again this year as I spend another year practicing. 
     A new year of work.  A new year of growth.  Another 366 (Leap Year people!) days to DO the NEW!  Join me...you still have time!!!
 

The Past Meets the Present (Where or When · Dion and the Belmonts)

         I was raised by a woman who believed that only one type of music needed to exist.  She tolerated some others...but her heart...her soul... lived in the time of the 50's.  So as a young child and throughout my life I have cherished these songs as well.  I went through a strange period in my young teens when I couldn't get enough of the sounds and stories that came along with this music.   Ironically, my six-year-old's birthday party theme just yesterday was also the 50's.  It has all come in a strange circle.  When I hear these songs it takes me back to a woman with a huge smile dragging me through the streets of the Italian Feast to see the bands that originally sang them.  I also was given only one piece of the legacy of the life of my uncle...a box of 45's with more of this music.  It only increased the love.
      All that time as a young kid I had no idea that I was only two degrees of separation from a legendary band member.   Dion and the Belmonts is THE classic 50's group and my best neighborhood buddy was the nephew of the one and only Fred Milano.
     Last summer I had the privilege to meet this man all of these years later.  He was singing on a porch at a summer party.  He strummed a guitar and harmonized with his dear friends and family.  A legend...right there.  It was exciting but not as exciting as hearing the stories of the life that his career brought to him and his family.  His family is probably one of the most passionate groups of people I have ever had the honor to be around.  They tell stories...bigger than life, love bigger than mountains and laugh louder than thunder.  They embrace their family and lives with enthusiasm.  Almost fifty years of marriage and you can see the love of a wife...the devotion of his children...the bonds of his family.  Any time spent in their presence is not only wildly entertaining but a rare gift in this world.  This man, his legacy and his life were very special and I regret that I  didn't get to a show before he left us...but find some comfort that I will forever get to hear his music.   Though he will missed dearly here on Earth by so many...it is nice to know that the music in heaven just got a little bit sweeter. 

Be always at peace and a some harmony as well, Fred Milano.