1. a verbal or written expression of regret or contrition for a fault or failing
2. a poor substitute or offering
This is where it gets fuzzy. Do we apologize for something that we did or said? Do we apologize for how a person took what we said or did? Or is that part out of your hands. Couldn't ANY comment or action be seen in a different way. It's relative and subjective in its very core. Was the thought behind the comment mean...or harmless... and who is to decide which is which? The second definition is more of how I operate. "A poor substitute". See, to me...you don't DO the deed or the damage or say the words that crush...and therefore have nothing TO apologize for. Sure this is easier said than done...but proactive has always been better than reactive to me. If an "I'm sorry" gets us out of hot water we would be throwing them like confetti at every banquet we ever visit.
Turns out I have a hard time saying the words. Maybe it's because I work really hard at not doing the damage in the first place. Maybe it's because as a wee child I was taught that the sorry didn't really change anything. Maybe it's an admission of my guilt and I am bad at that feat. Maybe I've never really heard it coming in this direction. Looking back I have had many a relationship in which the pain was delivered with ease and the apology was withheld just as easily. So I might not really know how this concept even works. It's a language that I don't know...like French or quantum physics. But I have been practicing. As a light bulb begins to shine over my head I immediately shed that light on the person that needed to hear the regret and sorrow that accompany it. But somewhere in the I'm sorry I am left frustrated. It doesn't turn back the time, it doesn't change the offense and it sure as hell never erases the feeling that goes along with it all. Which brings me back to the initial conundrum. Isn't it more important to not have a reason to apologize in the first place?
This is where the work out comes in. Learn who you are. Decide to relinquish weapons. Make people safe. Keep yourself grounded. Make the decision to allow something to effect you. Make the decision to NOT allow something to effect you. Grow up. Be real. Be vulnerable. Find the trigger and unload the gun. Keep your fingers off of the buttons. Reach out. Consider the source. See the bully. But more importantly live in the moment. Are you fighting old demons? Are you even battling the person in front of you...or are you allowing them to be covered by every other hurt that has ever happened...like a curtain. When you want to learn how to shoot a gun there are many steps. First, you must sign paperwork that releases what could happen. Next, you are taught the language that is important to know. Then you learn the safety techniques. After all of that you still wear protective items and have to follow protocol. Then and only then do you get to shoot the bullet. Even then... there is a chance for injury...but the more we do, the more we learn, the more we know...the safer the weapon that we hold. As for the one not holding the gun...would you stand in front of a loaded weapon? If we are shooting at cans in a field we are innocent but if a bird flies by at the wrong time and is killed...is the shooter at fault? Ah, the carousel of morals that we can ride.
I won't even get started on accidental vs. deliberate.
Maybe I hold onto the apology as a personal punishment. If I say the word then I release the pain. If I hold the word I hold the hurt that goes with it. I teach myself a lesson. I will say one thing...I apologize for being just as confused at the end of this post as I was at the beginning of it. I apologize for not knowing all of the answers just yet...for that...I am truly sorry...but at least I am trying damn hard to find them.
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