Somebody That I Used To Know · Gotye

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody

We are Young (Fun)

    I had an epiphany the other day.  Somewhere between counting the greys that seem to be creeping up on my curly haired head and analyzing my lack of retirement funds...I realized that I am the youngest that I will ever be.  Let me say this again.

I. Am. The. Youngest. I. Will. Ever. Be.

I
am
the
youngest
I
will
ever
be.

The youngest I will ever be....I am.

Soy el más joven que nunca será.

I am drifting in a sea of ships celebrating four decades.  One by one we are sinking...into mid-life crises.  We are throwing in towels and hiking our pants to some crazy heights.  Actually, I have to say my peeps are aging quite gracefully...but we are still mere babies.  The life expectancy has to be up to 100 or so by now with all of this modern medicine, right?!?  Alright, maybe not...but come on.  Think about it.  Today....this day...this moment...you are the YOUNGEST you will ever be.  If you start to think this way there just might be a shift.  A shift to live life with a sense of exuberance.  With just a touch of wild abandon...whatever your "crazy" might be.  Maybe it's mild...but it is still YOUR "yeehaw" moment and nobody can steal that with their judgement.
     Now, I am not saying we should be irresponsible or that we should shrug the duties of adulthood...please, there is nothing more annoying than a "stuck" adult...but don't put one leg in the grave either.  Our forties are supposed to be when we really come into our own.  Find our voices.  So find it and let it sing!  Each day is a ticking clock in which we grow older but if you use this as a metronome to live...the music can be wonderful.  Look at it from one direction and you can grow sad and tired...or look at it the other way and start to feel YOUNGER.  The choice is yours.  I know which approach I'm going with! 
     It's the beginning of a weekend.  A weekend in which you will be the youngest you will ever be...LIVE LIKE IT!!!!

Under the Weather (KT Tunstall)

     At work the other day...hour by hour...I felt it.  First in my eyes.  Then my throat.  Glands tender.  Maybe I'm just exhausted I thought.  I made it to the pick up line at school where I put my car seat back and set an alarm to take a nap.  I don't remember falling asleep.  By the time dinner was over I was burning with fever and shaking with chills.  "NO!",  I thought.  Not me, not now.  I could push myself somewhere in between denial and stupidity or I could head to the couch.  I opted for the latter.  It's been days now.  Countless cups of tea and sinus pills later I am still not back to myself.  This begins to frustrate me.  I don't like to waste time especially when there is so much to do.  Being sick is a waste of time.  But somewhere in my head I hear my mother's voice...you are burnt.  My body is doing what it always has.  It stops me when I won't allow myself to stop.  If shuts down when I don't take breaks. 
     It has been the type of illness that doesn't allow reading.  I've been napping and eating oranges.  I've also been emptying my dvr.  It's been loaded because the old habit of watching countless hours of tv each week is down to very little.   I guess lots of habits are different or changing. 
     I have also had much time between cat naps and refills of tea mugs.  Time allows my mind to race.  I've been more sick lately than usual.  I think it's part of the mourning.  The old life is leaving me bit by bit and with it go pieces of me as well.  I discovered this in the funniest place.  My DVR.  Seems I've had shows tucked for a long time.  Now some of them don't even interest me anymore.   They were part of the distraction that life can provide for us if we allow it.  When you are quiet in bed...too tired to be productive...too still to play...too weary to allow the noise of life...is when you have to listen to the real stuff.  My last few weeks were insanely busy.  I rushed from thing to thing.  I am running from the ghosts of yesterday.  I am fleeing from the flurry of foes.  I am running.  Here in bed they can all catch me.  Ironically as my body seems to feel stronger my mind seems to feel heavier. 
     The skies have been grey and snowy all day.  My chocolate pooch has been my faithful companion.  My comforter has been my friend or enemy depending on the rush or fall of temperatures I am experiencing.  My phone has been fairly quiet.  I am in some quiet time out from the universe...and it's ok.  Maybe the spirit, the body, the mind just know that I am getting ready for the next round.  Just a little rest for the girl who doesn't know how to take it on her own so her body does it for her.   Maybe one of these days they can communicate better...

Everyday I'm Shufflin' (Party Rock Anthem · LMFAO)

pack lunches · work · rush to get kids from school · homework · make dinner · laundry · clean bathroom · vacuum · mail · trash night · another load of laundry · enter points · new things · blog posts · Words w Friends · pick up kids · PTO · birthday party · karate · more laundry · clean another bathroom · school project · read · tv night  · charts · recipes · menu planning · schedules · emails · shower · clean out fridge · trash night · tweet · scrub stove top · clean bird cage · dust · water plants · rearrange furniture · sort old clothes and donate · purge · catch up texts to pals · Dunkin' drive thru · charts · notes to Dad · walk dog · feed fish · clean birdcage · email parents · volunteer at school · dust · decorate for holidays · hang to dry clothes · empty dishwasher · find new recipe · catch a movie · post pics · scrub stove · play with dog ·
read to kids · email sister · get to gym · recycle catalogs · set up play dates · watch shows · read books · and about a million other little and big things each minute of each hour of each day of each week ·

and do it all over again and again and again and again...

My Heart in Winter (Winter Song · Ingrid and Sarah)

  I am looking at the peaceful snowy hillside outside of my window.  My heart is pounding outside of my chest...my head is pounding...my hands are trembling.   It seems that things aren't ready to be calm even if the scenery tries to deem it so. 
    Death, separations, harsh realities of childhood need to be exorcised properly...and if they aren't they will continue to haunt the soul.  They will whisper quietly when the days are busy.  They will shout when things are still.  Somewhere within is the dance we must do to navigate through it all.
     Maybe it just takes longer than I thought for them to all hit.  Figuring out one problem means that you have to see the thirty that were underneath and it makes for one gigantic mess.  One of my windows is clean but the others are cloudy...they obscure my view.  As I find my way others are tugging at me to stay behind.
     The shattered glass on my bedroom floor are the icicles of the heart.  They mirror the wintry landscape waiting outside my cave.  Winters are harsh.  We must bundle up to be safe.  We must drive carefully.  We must take precautions.  I guess it is like that in life as well.  We have to prepare for winter.
      Seasons have their time and then progress to the next...a cycle we set calendars and lives to.  Eventually the snow will melt.  The dirt will soften.  The flowers will pop.  The buds will sprout.  This will continue on and on and on as sure as the sun will shine and the air will fill our lungs on the inhale.  People are not seasons though...and one should not expect the same cycles that the seasons are so kind to provide.   Or should they?  Maybe we are seasons as well.  One thing following the other.  Summer will never provide the blazing foliage of fall and winter will never provide abundant gardens of greenery.  Why then do we think people will be able to change their very nature?  Seasons will come and go whether we want them to or not.  Rain will fall.  Snow will float.  Warmth will come.  Maybe we will just learn when to plant the seeds, how to drive in the ice and what is needed to be worn on our feet to protect us from the elements.  Maybe that is all we can do. 
    We can hope for the spring and the promise that it brings...and know that soon enough we will do it all over yet again.

Apologize (One Republic)

     The word apology has two definitions:

1. a verbal or written expression of regret or contrition for a fault or failing

2. a poor substitute or offering

 

    This is where it gets fuzzy.  Do we apologize for something that we did or said?  Do we apologize for how a person took what we said or did?  Or is that part out of your hands.  Couldn't ANY comment or action be seen in a different way.  It's relative and subjective in its very core.  Was the thought behind the comment mean...or harmless... and who is to decide which is which?   The second definition is more of how I operate.  "A poor substitute".  See, to me...you don't DO the deed or the damage or say the words that crush...and therefore have nothing TO apologize for.  Sure this is easier said than done...but proactive has always been better than reactive to me.  If an "I'm sorry" gets us out of hot water we would be throwing them like confetti at every banquet we ever visit.

      Turns out I have a hard time saying the words.  Maybe it's because I work really hard at not doing the damage in the first place.  Maybe it's because as a wee child I was taught that the sorry didn't really change anything.  Maybe it's an admission of my guilt and I am bad at that feat.  Maybe I've never really heard it coming in this direction.  Looking back I have had many a relationship in which the pain was delivered with ease and the apology was withheld just as easily.  So I might not really know how this concept even works.  It's a language that I don't know...like French or quantum physics.  But I have been practicing.  As a light bulb begins to shine over my head I immediately shed that light on the person that needed to hear the regret and sorrow that accompany it.  But somewhere in the I'm sorry I am left frustrated.  It doesn't turn back the time, it doesn't change the offense and it sure as hell never erases the feeling that goes along with it all.  Which brings me back to the initial conundrum.  Isn't it more important to not have a reason to apologize in the first place?

       This is where the work out comes in.  Learn who you are.  Decide to relinquish weapons.  Make people safe.  Keep yourself grounded.  Make the decision to allow something to effect you.  Make the decision to NOT allow something to effect you.  Grow up.  Be real.  Be vulnerable.  Find the trigger and unload the gun.  Keep your fingers off of the buttons.  Reach out.  Consider the source.  See the bully.  But more importantly live in the moment.  Are you fighting old demons?  Are you even battling the person in front of you...or are you allowing them to be covered by every other hurt that has ever happened...like a curtain.  When you want to learn how to shoot a gun there are many steps.  First, you must sign paperwork that releases what could happen.  Next, you are taught the language that is important to know.  Then you learn the safety techniques.  After all of that you still wear protective items and have to follow protocol.  Then and only then do you get to shoot the bullet.   Even then... there is a chance for injury...but the more we do, the more we learn, the more we know...the safer the weapon that we hold.  As for the one not holding the gun...would you stand in front of a loaded weapon? If we are shooting at cans in a field we are innocent but if a bird flies by at the wrong time and is killed...is the shooter at fault?  Ah, the carousel of morals that we can ride.  

I won't even get started on accidental vs. deliberate.  

      Maybe I hold onto the apology as a personal punishment.  If I say the word then I release the pain.  If I hold the word I hold the hurt that goes with it.  I teach myself a lesson.  I will say one thing...I apologize for being just as confused at the end of this post as I was at the beginning of it.  I apologize for not knowing all of the answers just yet...for that...I am truly sorry...but at least I am trying damn hard to find them. 

    

Bitter · Jill Sobule

     I get reminded on a very regular basis that when you know better you do better.  It's really quite true.  When surrounded by negativity and sadness...it's easier to bitch along with the other voices.  When swallowed up by low self-esteem and defensiveness...it's sometimes simpler to join the masses.  When the world is heavy it is sometimes too much to hold up.  But I like my optimism.  It is who I have always been.  So I guess just finding her again was the task.  I had no idea how much more I would get out of the journey.
    I am returning to the person who is truly happy for you when something good comes into your life.  I am grateful for the moments...tiny or huge...that make my heart smile.  I pause often to say "thanks" to the universe when I need to. 
     Yesterday I left therapy (an amazing session) and found myself open to the world.  Open.  None of my stuff was in the way.  I got a text from a dear friend and within seconds we had a coffee date.  Completely spontaneous.  (We don't do spontaneous...we are both over-planning-make·a·list-over-thinking virgos.) But there we were with two cups of coffee and a sweet little girl sharing not only minutes but hours.  It was a highlight in my week and a cherished time between two "sisters". Your support team needs to be a carefully crafted group.  At this time in our lives...when things are shifting...you better get the team right.  Nobody puts their bench warmers on the field for the big game.  So here I am with one hell of a coach, lots of practice time in and the most bad ass team ever. 
     I drove my car and somewhere in between the DD drive-thru and Jenne's house I smiled.  I then said out loud and all by myself..."I can have a nice life...it's ok...I can be happy...I can have friends that I love big...I can be proud of the children I have created...".  I sat there and rattled off the list of things I was happy and grateful for.  A verbalized mantra of love.  As I turned the corner the sun decided to peek through a puff of clouds and flooded onto my face in the car...a little confirmation from the skies. 
     We get a short time on this planet.  It is meant to learn, grow, feel and live.  Who are we to take such gifts and waste them on misery.  Find your demons, release your ghosts, bash your fears, release your triggers.  Heal.  Forgive.  Have empathy.  Find peace.  Say you are sorry.  Be happy for others when they are blessed.  Be grateful.  With so many amazing things TO BE...why the need to be bitter?
     Thank you again to my dearest teammates for putting on your gear and kicking a little ass on the field.  I don't have a game without you.  Also, thank you for the constant laughs...it makes it so much easier to not be bitter!