If I lay my head down on you, would it be, would it be too late?
Cuz' you were my protection, from the rain inside
Made me feel loved like the old days, yeah
But I can't blame you, baby it's me that'd done wrong
Cuz' I broke the skies that shine above.
But I can't live, oh without you, love you, and it's hard to breath
when you're not near
But I can't lie here beside you, besides you,
cuz' you steal my soul when you leave
Set me free baby, set me free baby.
I need some one to hold me, wrap their arms and
embrace the air I breathe. Cuz' you were my shelter,
now the heart you hold is somebody else's baby
Now I can't love you baby if you don't,
but I stay in love, in love, with you.
Oh yes I do.
But I can't live, oh without you, love you,
and it's hard to breath when you're not near
But I can't lie here beside you, besides you,
cuz you steal my soul when you leave
Set me free baby, Oh set me free baby.
Don't you know that I can't, no I can't, live, oh without you,
love you, and it's hard to breath when you're not near
oh yes it is!
But I can't lie here beside you, besides you,
cuz you steal my soul when you leave
Set me free babe, set me free babe.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
The Scientist · Coldplay
A scientist takes a world of entropy and makes sense of it all. They create a formula that can set up rules and then test for a specific result. Once they have this new knowledge there is something upon which to base all new results. It means they don't have to waste time testing the same hypothesis over and over...they can move on to the next level.
I have approached my life like a scientist in many ways.
I ponder.
I watch.
I collect my data.
I try a method. It fails.
I try another.
I test.
I research.
I adjust my calculations.
I change my conditions.
I observe.
I make conclusions.
Lately, I even record my findings.
I have been doing this since I was old enough to breathe. Maybe it is why tricky subjects like chemistry and advanced biology came easy to me. Maybe it is why I have been pondering a whole new career in nursing lately. Maybe it is simply because I needed to make order out of a life of disorder. My frustration came when the rules got fuzzy, the lines got blurred, the simple reaction was switched up. As I grew I learned yet another science. Psychology gave me more answers. It made things a bit more clear about the mass that hides in our skull. But there are so many variables and factors that it leaves one feeling even more perplexed. My methods have proven some things but they have also failed miserably. Plus, once the answer comes...it isn't always one that I hoped for. Yet, in every single place that I can I try to bring order. I try to find a system of balance and clarity. I try to devise formulas. If....then. A or B. Success or failure. When my experiment fails I look back to the step where it all went wrong. I rebuild from there. I erase all of the scribbles I have placed on the chalkboard and I go back to the place it fell apart. Eventually my chalk gets too tiny to write with. Sometimes I run out of space. But my brain has way too much room....
Maybe the science will make sense of the pain. Hopefully the date will support the ideal. My life now is a series of swipes. They erase. I erase what was known and leave a blank space for what could be. I go back to the place where I feel their was error and I try to reformulate. Still thinking like a scientist. The problem is this scientist has a heart. A weary one at that. Hearts do not follow the rules. Science doesn't allow for memories, emotions or souls. A leads to B which leads to C. Period. No technological advances can save this girl. No fancy new gadgets. I had been thinking that science was this issue. The problem is not with the science but forgetting the laws that apply. I still remember to ask a question, do background research, construct a hypothosis and test it. I know to collect my data and analyze my results. But somewhere in there and before I get to communicate my results...I am "talked out" of science. By one variable or another. I just checked on the rules and these were some of my finds:
"Do Background Research: Rather than starting from scratch in putting together a plan for answering your question, you want to be a savvy scientist using library and Internet research to help you find the best way to do things and insure that you don't repeat mistakes from the past.
You should also repeat your experiments several times to make sure that the first results weren't just an accident.
Analyze Your Data and Draw a Conclusion: Once your experiment is complete, you collect your measurements and analyze them to see if your hypothesis is true or false.
Scientists often find that their hypothesis was false, and in such cases they will construct a new hypothesis starting the entire process of the scientific method over again. Even if they find that their hypothesis was true, they may want to test it again in a new way."
So just when I was doubting myself as a scientist...though be it now for life and not for school... I see that my methods can work. I just have to follow them. I have been a lax scientist. I let things and people persuade me to disbelieve my findings. But this review has brought me one line that seems to be the most important, "...to help you find the best way to do things and insure that you don't repeat mistakes from the past."
If only there was some equation or mnemonic to help me with that one....
I have approached my life like a scientist in many ways.
I ponder.
I watch.
I collect my data.
I try a method. It fails.
I try another.
I test.
I research.
I adjust my calculations.
I change my conditions.
I observe.
I make conclusions.
Lately, I even record my findings.
I have been doing this since I was old enough to breathe. Maybe it is why tricky subjects like chemistry and advanced biology came easy to me. Maybe it is why I have been pondering a whole new career in nursing lately. Maybe it is simply because I needed to make order out of a life of disorder. My frustration came when the rules got fuzzy, the lines got blurred, the simple reaction was switched up. As I grew I learned yet another science. Psychology gave me more answers. It made things a bit more clear about the mass that hides in our skull. But there are so many variables and factors that it leaves one feeling even more perplexed. My methods have proven some things but they have also failed miserably. Plus, once the answer comes...it isn't always one that I hoped for. Yet, in every single place that I can I try to bring order. I try to find a system of balance and clarity. I try to devise formulas. If....then. A or B. Success or failure. When my experiment fails I look back to the step where it all went wrong. I rebuild from there. I erase all of the scribbles I have placed on the chalkboard and I go back to the place it fell apart. Eventually my chalk gets too tiny to write with. Sometimes I run out of space. But my brain has way too much room....
Maybe the science will make sense of the pain. Hopefully the date will support the ideal. My life now is a series of swipes. They erase. I erase what was known and leave a blank space for what could be. I go back to the place where I feel their was error and I try to reformulate. Still thinking like a scientist. The problem is this scientist has a heart. A weary one at that. Hearts do not follow the rules. Science doesn't allow for memories, emotions or souls. A leads to B which leads to C. Period. No technological advances can save this girl. No fancy new gadgets. I had been thinking that science was this issue. The problem is not with the science but forgetting the laws that apply. I still remember to ask a question, do background research, construct a hypothosis and test it. I know to collect my data and analyze my results. But somewhere in there and before I get to communicate my results...I am "talked out" of science. By one variable or another. I just checked on the rules and these were some of my finds:
"Do Background Research: Rather than starting from scratch in putting together a plan for answering your question, you want to be a savvy scientist using library and Internet research to help you find the best way to do things and insure that you don't repeat mistakes from the past.
You should also repeat your experiments several times to make sure that the first results weren't just an accident.
Analyze Your Data and Draw a Conclusion: Once your experiment is complete, you collect your measurements and analyze them to see if your hypothesis is true or false.
Scientists often find that their hypothesis was false, and in such cases they will construct a new hypothesis starting the entire process of the scientific method over again. Even if they find that their hypothesis was true, they may want to test it again in a new way."
So just when I was doubting myself as a scientist...though be it now for life and not for school... I see that my methods can work. I just have to follow them. I have been a lax scientist. I let things and people persuade me to disbelieve my findings. But this review has brought me one line that seems to be the most important, "...to help you find the best way to do things and insure that you don't repeat mistakes from the past."
If only there was some equation or mnemonic to help me with that one....
Monday, May 7, 2012
Everything at Once · Lenka
While you are getting a tooth worked on and the nerve is exposed you feel more. The air hurts. The cold water is painful. The sharp tools bring tears to your eyes. The normal conditions that might come upon on your sensitive little tooth feel anything but normal. They are bigger. Unrelenting.
Life feels like that. I find a certain breeze can hurt. A scent can bring tears to my eyes. Sometimes it is unexpected. The moments catch me off guard. Nerves exposed. And while I am spinning and dodging hazards here...some others might catch me over there. Tricky little tools they are. It leaves a person feeling a bit confused. From moment to moment everything can change. Strong then weak. Angry enough to change things in one breath and too defeated to move in the next. Ready to conquer the world come sunrise and too tired to lift a finger by sundown. Each clock tick in between is a grab bag of everything the heart, soul and mind can feel. Nerves are protected for a reason. Exposure means risk. It is even trickier when you didn't plan the exposure. With each feeling comes a new way to deal with it. It means being strong, kind, brave, vulnerable, light, heavy...any and all...at any given moment. It is exhausting in a whole new way. You have to redefine yourself. You have to search for sources and methods you are not accustomed to.
Eventually the nerve is safe again... but for the time that it is raw, exposed and painful you find yourself bargaining with time and pain. You become what you need to in that second or everything at once hoping that will do the trick. Everything at once means at least one of the emotions will work with what you are facing. Throw all of the weapons and one is bound to battle for you.
Life feels like that. I find a certain breeze can hurt. A scent can bring tears to my eyes. Sometimes it is unexpected. The moments catch me off guard. Nerves exposed. And while I am spinning and dodging hazards here...some others might catch me over there. Tricky little tools they are. It leaves a person feeling a bit confused. From moment to moment everything can change. Strong then weak. Angry enough to change things in one breath and too defeated to move in the next. Ready to conquer the world come sunrise and too tired to lift a finger by sundown. Each clock tick in between is a grab bag of everything the heart, soul and mind can feel. Nerves are protected for a reason. Exposure means risk. It is even trickier when you didn't plan the exposure. With each feeling comes a new way to deal with it. It means being strong, kind, brave, vulnerable, light, heavy...any and all...at any given moment. It is exhausting in a whole new way. You have to redefine yourself. You have to search for sources and methods you are not accustomed to.
Eventually the nerve is safe again... but for the time that it is raw, exposed and painful you find yourself bargaining with time and pain. You become what you need to in that second or everything at once hoping that will do the trick. Everything at once means at least one of the emotions will work with what you are facing. Throw all of the weapons and one is bound to battle for you.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Heart of Life · John Mayer
I give lots of encouragement to others. Not much seems to come TO ME these days in any form...and somewhere along the line I forgot that I can be my biggest source of strength. So to the sad little girl facing another tough day...here you go....
(P.S. Because I just wrote a line and deleted it fifteen times...this also goes out to my sister and to the friend I know is having a really tough time right now...I can't just cheer for me....it seems to be impossible. :)
(P.S. Because I just wrote a line and deleted it fifteen times...this also goes out to my sister and to the friend I know is having a really tough time right now...I can't just cheer for me....it seems to be impossible. :)
I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Handing in my Pom Poms (Cheerleader · St. Vincent)
I am almost 40 and these last (gulp) few months (4 of them) need to be the real deal. Oh man, in my head I had way more time....guess counting the months was a good (crappy) thing. I need to get down to business. As I see it the first 40 years were dedicated to others. I was a good little girl. I was a model (dorky) student. I performed as a cheerleader, track runner, volleyball player and lifeguard to the best of my abilities. I put up with lots of girls and the crap that comes with them. Boys....ugh...let's just say I've had my fill on that one as well. I worked my ass off at every job I've ever had. Waitress, manager, teacher, seller of pizza to name a few. The money was never the benefit...the proud boss was my payment. Have you sensed a pattern. I'm not really sure what, how, when and why it was ever for me.
And this was BEFORE motherhood. Before being the grown child to two adult parents who needed help. Before realizing that sometimes the people that you pick to grow old with have trouble growing up at all. Then there are the people coming on 40 themselves....analyzing their lives and disappointed as if they just realized the movie they watched wasn't so good and they want their money back. We are all tired. More broke than ever. More frustrated at the state of politics, finances, world news and current events than we ever have been up to this point and with good reason. But I have been scrambling to get out from underneath the rubble for a few years now and I'm tired of it. Not weary anymore...but tired. Tired enough to stop doing it.
The next 40 plus years are going to be about being a cheerleader for the people who really matter...and I will be on that list...closer to the top. I will inspire with excitement and celebrate with vigor but I am done trying to fix what ails you. All of you. Constantly. I might lapse into the old role for a bit here and there and by no means am saying that I won't be a loyal and loving parent and friend but it will be different. Because at the end of the first 40 years I don't really have much to show for all of the work now do I?
Here's to the next 4 months...leading to the next 40 years. I'm handing in my pom poms.
And this was BEFORE motherhood. Before being the grown child to two adult parents who needed help. Before realizing that sometimes the people that you pick to grow old with have trouble growing up at all. Then there are the people coming on 40 themselves....analyzing their lives and disappointed as if they just realized the movie they watched wasn't so good and they want their money back. We are all tired. More broke than ever. More frustrated at the state of politics, finances, world news and current events than we ever have been up to this point and with good reason. But I have been scrambling to get out from underneath the rubble for a few years now and I'm tired of it. Not weary anymore...but tired. Tired enough to stop doing it.
The next 40 plus years are going to be about being a cheerleader for the people who really matter...and I will be on that list...closer to the top. I will inspire with excitement and celebrate with vigor but I am done trying to fix what ails you. All of you. Constantly. I might lapse into the old role for a bit here and there and by no means am saying that I won't be a loyal and loving parent and friend but it will be different. Because at the end of the first 40 years I don't really have much to show for all of the work now do I?
Here's to the next 4 months...leading to the next 40 years. I'm handing in my pom poms.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Little Talks · Of Monsters and Men
"When it feels like everything is falling apart...
that is when God is putting all of the right pieces together."
This quote was someone's status update on Facebook the other day and it struck a chord in me. I have some people that post endless motivational blurbs. Sometimes they help more than that person every knows. I still watch my Oprah Lifeclass. I stay in touch with dear relatives as well as brand new friends that seem to push me to be who I need to. My mind, my heart, my soul all wide open for the little words of little talks that help me to keep the faith....grow....see my new purposes. I also find chances to speak to my children about what is important. I scream at my Dad to find a reason to keep going when he misses my Mother. I yell at the boys who need to grow up. Little talks are sometimes loud. I am also losing the shyness that used to inhibit me from speaking to people I care about and respect.
Then there is me. Each day. Every day. Relentlessly....I have little talks with myself. Sometimes I have to process the long sleep of nightmares. Other times I find myself in the middle of an emotional or mental exercise and I push my mind and spirit to lift the next higher "weight". On long drives I pull myself out of the dark waiting for me and find the millions of reasons to be lighter. I sometimes wonder what I used to do with all of this time when minds were fairly quiet and communication was at a whisper. I then realize it was when the numbness had won out over the words. When boredom had beaten out the bravery. When old and repetitive was easier than the challenge of the new.
Now there are mantras. Pep talks. Quotes of inspiration. Discussions with people who matter. New stories are forming. New horizons are showing me new views. Some day the little talks will be replaced with new activities, exciting adventures and moments of glory but until then I will keep on chatting with myself until I remember...until it is second nature...until the good is all I can hear.
that is when God is putting all of the right pieces together."
This quote was someone's status update on Facebook the other day and it struck a chord in me. I have some people that post endless motivational blurbs. Sometimes they help more than that person every knows. I still watch my Oprah Lifeclass. I stay in touch with dear relatives as well as brand new friends that seem to push me to be who I need to. My mind, my heart, my soul all wide open for the little words of little talks that help me to keep the faith....grow....see my new purposes. I also find chances to speak to my children about what is important. I scream at my Dad to find a reason to keep going when he misses my Mother. I yell at the boys who need to grow up. Little talks are sometimes loud. I am also losing the shyness that used to inhibit me from speaking to people I care about and respect.
Then there is me. Each day. Every day. Relentlessly....I have little talks with myself. Sometimes I have to process the long sleep of nightmares. Other times I find myself in the middle of an emotional or mental exercise and I push my mind and spirit to lift the next higher "weight". On long drives I pull myself out of the dark waiting for me and find the millions of reasons to be lighter. I sometimes wonder what I used to do with all of this time when minds were fairly quiet and communication was at a whisper. I then realize it was when the numbness had won out over the words. When boredom had beaten out the bravery. When old and repetitive was easier than the challenge of the new.
Now there are mantras. Pep talks. Quotes of inspiration. Discussions with people who matter. New stories are forming. New horizons are showing me new views. Some day the little talks will be replaced with new activities, exciting adventures and moments of glory but until then I will keep on chatting with myself until I remember...until it is second nature...until the good is all I can hear.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
If I Were a Boy (Beyonce)
If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone
I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone
I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy
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