Saying goodbye (Timshel · Mumford & Sons)

     My therapist told me that once you have said goodbye to someone substantial all other deaths after bring it right back to you.  I guess she was right.  This morning was a rough one.  I headed into my Mom's closet.  I have been avoiding it.  I avoid the room in general.  Unhealthy, I know.  Anyway, I looked for a shirt to borrow.  I think I needed her to be close.  I got ready for church and filled out the envelope with a special blessing for mothers.  I had to write her name and check off the box for "deceased".  I cried during Mass.  The homily was perfect for what I needed to hear this week so it helped.  I am spiritual, not religious...and today the message was simply beautiful and gave me a ton to reflect upon.
    Later on in the day I found out that my best friend is saying goodbye to her aunt.  Hospice is on the way.  I know too much about hospice.  It did indeed bring it all back.  I was sad knowing I couldn't be there to hug them all.  I was frustrated I could not help.  It also made me think of my 3 full days with hospice here at the house.  It is a short yet endless time when you are saying goodbye.  Time is passing in slow motion and on fast forward all at the same time.  It is a delicate time balanced between life and death, pain and healing, selfishness and generosity.  It is like nothing else.
      My Mom spent years begging me to sing for her.  I never would.  Little tidbits here and there maybe.  But I was shy and she had a lovely voice so I did not let it out.   I spent 3 days by her side.  I talked for hours, rambled, read prayers, remembered and reminded.  I also sang.  I sang pretty little songs that filled the air with the notes she had always longed to hear.  I also held her hand.  I told her it was ok to go.  I freed her spirit with forgiveness and prayer and a peaceful calm.  This was one of the songs I played for her.  She was not alone.  She was surrounded by those who loved her so.
     To my dear friend and her amazing cousin and her sweet mother...I am sorry.  I am sorry that you were led to believe that someone had healed only to have it taken away.  It is an injustice we both have felt and it is cruel and unfair.  I am sorry that you did not have a week at the beach to cherish one another one last time.  I am there in spirit holding them all up as their knees weaken and they say their goodbyes.  I only wish I was there in body as well.  My love and thoughts and prayers go to a family that celebrated life in many ways and family was the biggest of them.  And to a Mom that is missed dearly.  May you find one another and walk the beach in search of shells together sometime.