I am at a very scary precipice. I am seeing all that I have been. I am seeing the good but more importantly...I am seeing the bad. For the first time. Ever. Like this. It has been building up for a bit now and I'm in a tizzy just dealing with it. I feel lighter. I feel like running. I have been pushing myself. I have made the proverbial breakthrough and now that I have I want to fly with it. Practice. Show it off. It has taken death, life, babies, education, books, seminars, friends, enemies, closure, honesty, mirrors, exercises, therapy, jobs, losses, gains, moves, skinned knees, broken hearts, stronger shoulders, ego, awareness, denial, wealth, debt, agony, burdens, wings, smiles, tears, miles, faith, desperation, manipulations, guns, strength, purging, donating, playing, writing, searching, driving, walking, panicking, breathing and love. Love. LOVE.
“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
The cameras are at all angles. The spotlights are bright and many. I am here. I am sorry for hiding. I am sorry for hurting. I am sorry for crusting over. I am sorry for denying. I am sorry for needing. I am sorry that these things hurt anyone. I am sorry. But if in the end these things have all smacked, stripped and broken me down...it was worth it. I am me. I am not perfect. I have many faults. And you know what...we all do...and it's ok. I'm sorry that it took me until 38 to figure it out. I'm sorry it caused destruction and pain. I am sorry I pretended to be stronger than I am. I am thrilled I pushed. I am amazed at my bravery. I am ecstatic to see it all now. Now...what do I do with it all???
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