I am at a very scary precipice. I am seeing all that I have been. I am seeing the good but more importantly...I am seeing the bad. For the first time. Ever. Like this. It has been building up for a bit now and I'm in a tizzy just dealing with it. I feel lighter. I feel like running. I have been pushing myself. I have made the proverbial breakthrough and now that I have I want to fly with it. Practice. Show it off. It has taken death, life, babies, education, books, seminars, friends, enemies, closure, honesty, mirrors, exercises, therapy, jobs, losses, gains, moves, skinned knees, broken hearts, stronger shoulders, ego, awareness, denial, wealth, debt, agony, burdens, wings, smiles, tears, miles, faith, desperation, manipulations, guns, strength, purging, donating, playing, writing, searching, driving, walking, panicking, breathing and love. Love. LOVE.
“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
The cameras are at all angles. The spotlights are bright and many. I am here. I am sorry for hiding. I am sorry for hurting. I am sorry for crusting over. I am sorry for denying. I am sorry for needing. I am sorry that these things hurt anyone. I am sorry. But if in the end these things have all smacked, stripped and broken me down...it was worth it. I am me. I am not perfect. I have many faults. And you know what...we all do...and it's ok. I'm sorry that it took me until 38 to figure it out. I'm sorry it caused destruction and pain. I am sorry I pretended to be stronger than I am. I am thrilled I pushed. I am amazed at my bravery. I am ecstatic to see it all now. Now...what do I do with it all???
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
You can't go back but you can go forward (Can't Go Back Again · The Weepies)
My Mom always said, "You can't go home again". It made me sad each and every time. Maybe we don't have to be sad at yesterdays lost. Maybe we can find our way to today. I am stuck on this Monday in the land of the past. I need to take a ferry to today and maybe a train to tomorrow. A plane to a year from now. Wonder if expedia has a time travel deal I haven't found yet.
I have been lost in the "why" of it all. The what ifs. But the energy spent in regret could be going toward today. Tomorrow. The fragile state of life...the tender loves of life...are all here in front of us. Sure, it's scary to walk a different path but each step brings us closer to who we really are. Yep, it's terrifying to let go of what is known but what if the known needed a change?
My car had some dents. Some chips in the windshield. It had quite a few issues for a long time. It was in an accident. A big glass breaking kind of accident. The body was repaired, the glass replaced and the paint brought back to new. If it weren't for the collision it would still be a mess. The collision was scary and inconvenient but it enabled a whole "new" car. Sometimes we fall. Sometimes we are careless. Sometimes we get lost on the road. Going back to the way it WAS could very well be the problem...but going back can STILL be the solution. We can repair, we can mend, we can change, we can find our way back and somewhere along the journey we just might be able to go home again.
I have been lost in the "why" of it all. The what ifs. But the energy spent in regret could be going toward today. Tomorrow. The fragile state of life...the tender loves of life...are all here in front of us. Sure, it's scary to walk a different path but each step brings us closer to who we really are. Yep, it's terrifying to let go of what is known but what if the known needed a change?
My car had some dents. Some chips in the windshield. It had quite a few issues for a long time. It was in an accident. A big glass breaking kind of accident. The body was repaired, the glass replaced and the paint brought back to new. If it weren't for the collision it would still be a mess. The collision was scary and inconvenient but it enabled a whole "new" car. Sometimes we fall. Sometimes we are careless. Sometimes we get lost on the road. Going back to the way it WAS could very well be the problem...but going back can STILL be the solution. We can repair, we can mend, we can change, we can find our way back and somewhere along the journey we just might be able to go home again.
Kick, kick, kick (Kick Drum Heart · The Avett Brothers)
I am miserable. Cranky and tired. I can't even imagine the circles under my eyes but unfortunately I'll have to look in the mirror soon enough. Why the upbeat song if I'm feeling like this? Well, I was inspired for many reasons. First off, this is my new GO TO song when I'm a grouch. If I find myself teetering on tears as I get dressed in the morning my Ipod goes to this. It makes me smile, it picks up my dragging pace...it makes me happier. So I'm not even making myself wait until then. I'm trying for the head start. My status update on Facebook was about to be a real downer which isn't fair on this sunny morning starting off the new week. I will come and crumble here instead.
Last night I took my first walk of the spring season. It looked sunny and in my head it is almost April so it must be warm. But it was freezing. I squeezed a mile in anyhow but this song helped. I needed the walk. I use them to stay sane. Each step I take I try to release one of the 9,000 things bugging me at the current status of my life. So the song was already with me.
Hours later was a rough one with my 5 yr old. I had some soothing to do and then a carry right up to my bed. Where he proceeded to kick me with the strength of a black belt for hours. I realized the song was playing in my head but for different reasons. I made a little short film with time elapsed footage of him kicking me all while this song played. It made me smile at myself.
Mondays are rough lately. I used to face them with the an unstoppable attitude but that has been waning. Thank goodness for the 9am job that I run off to...it helps me so. This weekend was particularly rough in so many ways that I don't know where to start to process it all. In the meantime I will drink extra coffee, remember that it will all get better someday (or so they tell me) and play this song as inspiration.
Last night I took my first walk of the spring season. It looked sunny and in my head it is almost April so it must be warm. But it was freezing. I squeezed a mile in anyhow but this song helped. I needed the walk. I use them to stay sane. Each step I take I try to release one of the 9,000 things bugging me at the current status of my life. So the song was already with me.
Hours later was a rough one with my 5 yr old. I had some soothing to do and then a carry right up to my bed. Where he proceeded to kick me with the strength of a black belt for hours. I realized the song was playing in my head but for different reasons. I made a little short film with time elapsed footage of him kicking me all while this song played. It made me smile at myself.
Mondays are rough lately. I used to face them with the an unstoppable attitude but that has been waning. Thank goodness for the 9am job that I run off to...it helps me so. This weekend was particularly rough in so many ways that I don't know where to start to process it all. In the meantime I will drink extra coffee, remember that it will all get better someday (or so they tell me) and play this song as inspiration.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
March 23rd Snow Day (Snowfall · Ingrid Michaelson)
Who ever heard of a snow day this late in March??!! I have to move my whole schedule around now. I have to hope we can switch hours at work, cancel a lunch meeting that was going to change my life and rearrange my entire TO DO list. I will have to come up with a whole new set of fun snow day ideas...maybe bake damn cookies or snuggle and watch a movie. I might have to have the fire going...a whole new chore added to my day. Eeesh. I will have to play with my pooch and sing with my adorable children. Ok, by now you are sensing my sarcasm. You are onto me. I could grumble about the snow...because c'mon, enough is enough already. I could whine about my schedule and the way it always seems to change around me and for others. I could be frustrated that Moms don't get sick days or snow days or any days off. I might bitch today about the temperatures because I am a warm weather fan and I've had ENOUGH. But I'm sneaking this "rant" into my angry blog. I am actually very much in need of this snow day. I am very much in need of a day of giggles and a toasty fire and mmmm, maybe that new soup we've been dying to make. So I might be VERY ANGRY about a ton of things...but this snow day isn't one of them.
Monday, March 21, 2011
See-Saw Be Gone
I have this theory that the universe operates on a see-saw. I have been working very hard on trying not to lend to the self-fulfilling prophecy of the whole concept and maybe just allow some happiness to come to me for free but I really should just accept it.
Just a few days ago I started to weed my little garden because the warmth inspired me to do so. I know deep down that it's March in the Poconos and anything can happen though so I joked with people that it would "snow next week because that's what it does". It does, indeed. It's snowing. In fact, schools are closed. Underneath the new blanket of snow are the flowers and sprouts that were already celebrating the first day of spring.
I say I have this theory because I tend to do something very bad. If there is laughter...too much of it at once...secretly I worry. I get nervous because there is a see-saw of crying/laughter. Too much one way and the other starts to get heavy. Picture little "Laughter" wearing yellow on one end. She is bright and cheery. The other end of the wood plank has cranky and grey little "Cry". It just waits there for the clank of the board and the descent of its partner.
It can be a great day balanced by a horrible one. An amazing movie followed by a waste of time. Books, pets, friends, jobs, pizza....there is no limit to my see-saw theory. Here and there I forget. I just allow the moment to be...happy and beautiful. I smile internally and take pictures to keep the moment precious forever. I get excited. My optimism meter charges and gets full. Maybe the curse has been lifted. ..........CLANK. It's the way of the world. It's balance. It's human nature and the entropy of the cosmos and everything else that collides as we go from day to day.
Lately, I thought it was right to allow the see-saw to remain high for a bit and love it without the fear of the drop. I have been practicing. I think I am succeeding because the bang to the metal as it falls comes to be more and more of a surprise lately. I actually am not waiting for it anymore. BUT, I should also be prepared. Maybe the key is to brace my legs...keep my knees soft....bend as I drop. I can allow the good as well as the bad and not feel it as a punishment but maybe just as normal. I like playgrounds and I enjoyed the see-saw as a child but only when my polar playmate was fair. I would be gentle with them on the fall and push with strength for a fun ascent. I'll play see-saw with the universe but I just wish it would start playing nice.
Just a few days ago I started to weed my little garden because the warmth inspired me to do so. I know deep down that it's March in the Poconos and anything can happen though so I joked with people that it would "snow next week because that's what it does". It does, indeed. It's snowing. In fact, schools are closed. Underneath the new blanket of snow are the flowers and sprouts that were already celebrating the first day of spring.
I say I have this theory because I tend to do something very bad. If there is laughter...too much of it at once...secretly I worry. I get nervous because there is a see-saw of crying/laughter. Too much one way and the other starts to get heavy. Picture little "Laughter" wearing yellow on one end. She is bright and cheery. The other end of the wood plank has cranky and grey little "Cry". It just waits there for the clank of the board and the descent of its partner.
It can be a great day balanced by a horrible one. An amazing movie followed by a waste of time. Books, pets, friends, jobs, pizza....there is no limit to my see-saw theory. Here and there I forget. I just allow the moment to be...happy and beautiful. I smile internally and take pictures to keep the moment precious forever. I get excited. My optimism meter charges and gets full. Maybe the curse has been lifted. ..........CLANK. It's the way of the world. It's balance. It's human nature and the entropy of the cosmos and everything else that collides as we go from day to day.
Lately, I thought it was right to allow the see-saw to remain high for a bit and love it without the fear of the drop. I have been practicing. I think I am succeeding because the bang to the metal as it falls comes to be more and more of a surprise lately. I actually am not waiting for it anymore. BUT, I should also be prepared. Maybe the key is to brace my legs...keep my knees soft....bend as I drop. I can allow the good as well as the bad and not feel it as a punishment but maybe just as normal. I like playgrounds and I enjoyed the see-saw as a child but only when my polar playmate was fair. I would be gentle with them on the fall and push with strength for a fun ascent. I'll play see-saw with the universe but I just wish it would start playing nice.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Fix You (Coldplay)
I have the habit of trying to fix. Fix people. Fix problems. Fix people with problems. I want sunshine and rainbows all of the time in my happy little butterfly land. It doesn't work that way. I can't make you taller, make your bank account grow or give you a better relationship with your Dad. Childhoods are what they were. The past is precisely that. Regret....well, we know every cliche under the sun about that one. No pun intended. I will worry about your marriage, your children, my family, the bills, the world. I will worry that you don't take your vitamins. Will storing food in plastic make us all sick. Did I do this right, better, more completely...so as to help YOU? It goes on and on...
I've spent almost all of my years "fixing". As a child it was a weight and a burden. In my excited and early adulthood it was a challenge. In my current state of life it's all too much for me to handle. I spend almost every minute of each day fixing. It really hasn't worked. I'm here writing about fixing and everyone else is asleep...going about their nights in a peaceful slumber. Or cranky ones...but I can't fix them either.
As I ponder on how to fix the world and all its inhabitants I realize nobody is fixing me. Maybe all of this time I was practicing. Getting my degree, my masters and my doctorate...on Fixology. I should be really qualified then, huh? For a bit I thought it was my calling. I was here to serve. I still think that is partly true. I tend to problem solve and organize and empathize very well. But maybe I'll lean more toward understanding, accepting and prioritizing. I will start to let things BE.
I will strive to fix only the things I can...like dinner, broken doodads, and a hole in the bucket. I will strive to mend things like torn material, a treasured keepsake, or an occasional heart. (Oh come on now, I can't quit cold turkey). I will either accept you as you are or choose to move on without you but I will try with all my might not to fix you...I seem to have enough of a workload already!
I've spent almost all of my years "fixing". As a child it was a weight and a burden. In my excited and early adulthood it was a challenge. In my current state of life it's all too much for me to handle. I spend almost every minute of each day fixing. It really hasn't worked. I'm here writing about fixing and everyone else is asleep...going about their nights in a peaceful slumber. Or cranky ones...but I can't fix them either.
As I ponder on how to fix the world and all its inhabitants I realize nobody is fixing me. Maybe all of this time I was practicing. Getting my degree, my masters and my doctorate...on Fixology. I should be really qualified then, huh? For a bit I thought it was my calling. I was here to serve. I still think that is partly true. I tend to problem solve and organize and empathize very well. But maybe I'll lean more toward understanding, accepting and prioritizing. I will start to let things BE.
I will strive to fix only the things I can...like dinner, broken doodads, and a hole in the bucket. I will strive to mend things like torn material, a treasured keepsake, or an occasional heart. (Oh come on now, I can't quit cold turkey). I will either accept you as you are or choose to move on without you but I will try with all my might not to fix you...I seem to have enough of a workload already!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
PMS otherwise known as Please men, stop!
PMS is defined as:
a complex of physical and emotional changes, including depression, irritability, appetite changes, bloating and water retention, breast soreness, and changes in muscular coordination, one or more of which may be experienced in the several days before the onset of menstrual flow.
I know, I know it sounds like so much fun! And then there's PMDD which is now acknowledged as a true and serious issue. So why in the world do the boys not get it? I mean, c'mon....we knew to stay clear of our Moms on those special days when we were mere babies. What keeps you from getting the lesson? We are cranky and miserable. We hate our bodies, our hair and our fingers. We can't stand our old crappy wardrobe and think our house is a disgusting mess. We hate the current political messes and the cereal choices in our cabinet and everything in between. Our to do lists are too big and though we need to get a million things done all we really want to do is hide in bed and watch Lifetime. That is after we have sorted the pens by point and color and type. It doesn't make sense to you does it? But what you forget is that it doesn't make sense to us either. It is crazy time. I have compared it to being a special needs person for just a few days a month. We don't get mad at the person in the wheelchair or the sick kid or someone with a disability and though I'm not comparing it to some major problem I am simply stating that we lose our minds for a few days and our ability to end a run on sentence. Some of the symptoms are fun...we stutter, lose our thoughts with a strong breeze and tend to tidy up the oddest of areas. We might trip a bit, cry or laugh easier than usual and have an uncontrollable urge to eat sausage. Other symptoms are harder...we don't feel so well, we are fatiqued and we want to move to a new state, sell our jewelry and take the dog to the pound. We all know that we would never actually do that though...don't we???
Mark your calendars, order up some good take out, get Netflix all lined up with her favorite movies. Be a little extra concerned and gentle. Pick up your clothes from the floor. Let her be. In fact...offer up some time alone. Maybe text another girl and tell her to take her off of your hands. But boys oh boys don't poke the cobra. Don't let the bull out the gate at the rodeo. Don't spill the paint. It's very hard to undo these things. Keep a safe distance, be careful of what you say, avoid the hot button items. Just be the guy you were back when you hid all of your crap... pretend you are that impressive fun man and we'll pretend that we don't mind that you no longer are like that...well, right after PMS is over of course. Until then you simply can do no right. You've been warned. Now soldier, gear up and prepare for the likes of war no country has ever seen. Hmmmm, come to think of it maybe we have the wrong ones fighting...at least for 3 days out of the month anyway. ;)
a complex of physical and emotional changes, including depression, irritability, appetite changes, bloating and water retention, breast soreness, and changes in muscular coordination, one or more of which may be experienced in the several days before the onset of menstrual flow.
I know, I know it sounds like so much fun! And then there's PMDD which is now acknowledged as a true and serious issue. So why in the world do the boys not get it? I mean, c'mon....we knew to stay clear of our Moms on those special days when we were mere babies. What keeps you from getting the lesson? We are cranky and miserable. We hate our bodies, our hair and our fingers. We can't stand our old crappy wardrobe and think our house is a disgusting mess. We hate the current political messes and the cereal choices in our cabinet and everything in between. Our to do lists are too big and though we need to get a million things done all we really want to do is hide in bed and watch Lifetime. That is after we have sorted the pens by point and color and type. It doesn't make sense to you does it? But what you forget is that it doesn't make sense to us either. It is crazy time. I have compared it to being a special needs person for just a few days a month. We don't get mad at the person in the wheelchair or the sick kid or someone with a disability and though I'm not comparing it to some major problem I am simply stating that we lose our minds for a few days and our ability to end a run on sentence. Some of the symptoms are fun...we stutter, lose our thoughts with a strong breeze and tend to tidy up the oddest of areas. We might trip a bit, cry or laugh easier than usual and have an uncontrollable urge to eat sausage. Other symptoms are harder...we don't feel so well, we are fatiqued and we want to move to a new state, sell our jewelry and take the dog to the pound. We all know that we would never actually do that though...don't we???
Mark your calendars, order up some good take out, get Netflix all lined up with her favorite movies. Be a little extra concerned and gentle. Pick up your clothes from the floor. Let her be. In fact...offer up some time alone. Maybe text another girl and tell her to take her off of your hands. But boys oh boys don't poke the cobra. Don't let the bull out the gate at the rodeo. Don't spill the paint. It's very hard to undo these things. Keep a safe distance, be careful of what you say, avoid the hot button items. Just be the guy you were back when you hid all of your crap... pretend you are that impressive fun man and we'll pretend that we don't mind that you no longer are like that...well, right after PMS is over of course. Until then you simply can do no right. You've been warned. Now soldier, gear up and prepare for the likes of war no country has ever seen. Hmmmm, come to think of it maybe we have the wrong ones fighting...at least for 3 days out of the month anyway. ;)
Friday, March 4, 2011
My purse, the time capsule
On a quest to clean and purge I thought I would hit my bags and purses that have been hanging on hooks buried under coats. I don't carry a purse very often. I prefer to stick what I really need in my pocket. I dug through the few of the more recently used bags to find the usual...gum, pens, loose change, etc. Then I got to the black purse. I realized that this bag was a time capsule taking me right back to December of 2006. I hung it on the hook and never used it again.
It was a few days after Christmas and my co-workers and I headed into work for a meeting. We would be going over budgets, inventories, bonuses and the numbers that showed us we were successful for the 8th or so year working there. This was not the case. I was handed a memo that simply said, "We are going in a different direction and you are no longer employed." We were stunned to say the least. Heartbroken and confused after years of dedication, service and hard work...I headed home. Lost. That purse was hung up on a hook on the wall inside a recently purchased new house. The next day was my son's very first birthday. The New Year would follow a few days later.
This is some of the stuff that I found:
-Y membership card
-laminated work phone list (Jenne, Carrie, Stephen, Danielle, Brenda, Bradley, Jessica, Renee)
-Target card (hasn't been used since...good for me)
-Blue Cross/Blue Shield insurance card (haven't had insurance since except for a few short months)
-baby picture of my daughter
-business cards of Fred Peck, the realtor
-funeral card of a dear young friend I kept to remind me that life can be short
-Mac slips from an account long since closed
-business card of a pediatric cardiologist (Ethan gave me quite a scare with a heart noise they didn't
like...he ended up being just fine)
-paint swatch for a color I liked for my "bedroom"
-Pediatric booklet containing vaccine records
-lint roller
-lip gloss
-diaper
-receipt from Shoprite with saving of $19.23 (low for me and my quest to save w coupons)
-outdated coupons
-2 cards for out of business businesses
-said memo
Sometimes I look around and realize that my life went on HOLD for a long time. The job loss was the first domino in the rally I had been setting up. Only someone bumped the first domino and dismantled a life of work....I did not tap it gently when I was ready to watch the action. Many dominoes have followed...some quicker than others. Sometimes I feel as if I am standing there stunned while looking at a floor full of knocked over dominoes. Each one had been carefully laid out and placed for years only to have them fall because someone was careless as they walked by. It has been over four years and I am finally cleaning out the bag and dumping the useless contents. I will save what is relevant and keep what was "missing" and tidy up what is needed and maybe start catching up to where I am today. I'm finally clearing the floor and gathering the dominoes...
It was a few days after Christmas and my co-workers and I headed into work for a meeting. We would be going over budgets, inventories, bonuses and the numbers that showed us we were successful for the 8th or so year working there. This was not the case. I was handed a memo that simply said, "We are going in a different direction and you are no longer employed." We were stunned to say the least. Heartbroken and confused after years of dedication, service and hard work...I headed home. Lost. That purse was hung up on a hook on the wall inside a recently purchased new house. The next day was my son's very first birthday. The New Year would follow a few days later.
This is some of the stuff that I found:
-Y membership card
-laminated work phone list (Jenne, Carrie, Stephen, Danielle, Brenda, Bradley, Jessica, Renee)
-Target card (hasn't been used since...good for me)
-Blue Cross/Blue Shield insurance card (haven't had insurance since except for a few short months)
-baby picture of my daughter
-business cards of Fred Peck, the realtor
-funeral card of a dear young friend I kept to remind me that life can be short
-Mac slips from an account long since closed
-business card of a pediatric cardiologist (Ethan gave me quite a scare with a heart noise they didn't
like...he ended up being just fine)
-paint swatch for a color I liked for my "bedroom"
-Pediatric booklet containing vaccine records
-lint roller
-lip gloss
-diaper
-receipt from Shoprite with saving of $19.23 (low for me and my quest to save w coupons)
-outdated coupons
-2 cards for out of business businesses
-said memo
Sometimes I look around and realize that my life went on HOLD for a long time. The job loss was the first domino in the rally I had been setting up. Only someone bumped the first domino and dismantled a life of work....I did not tap it gently when I was ready to watch the action. Many dominoes have followed...some quicker than others. Sometimes I feel as if I am standing there stunned while looking at a floor full of knocked over dominoes. Each one had been carefully laid out and placed for years only to have them fall because someone was careless as they walked by. It has been over four years and I am finally cleaning out the bag and dumping the useless contents. I will save what is relevant and keep what was "missing" and tidy up what is needed and maybe start catching up to where I am today. I'm finally clearing the floor and gathering the dominoes...
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Random rants of March 3rd
I have an open day today. They tend to put me in a tizzy. I don't know where to start or how to narrow down what I want to accomplish. I tend to be more alone on Thursdays than any other day which adds to the dilemma of what to do first. Maybe if I get out some grumblings of things I am mad at or don't like I can feel lighter and move on...though I can't seem to put my finger on just one thing:
Roadkill in the spring - tax time - hunger pains - clutter - wasted time - spite - animals who tip my garbage cans and make messes - regret - religious blogs - clean counters getting dumped on - bad pistachios - lack of closure - skunk spray - Alzheimer's - overwhelming laundry piles - lack of follow through - bullies - sprained ankles - oxygen tanks - a too far away bathroom - headaches - missing socks - empty promises - tables full of paperwork - never enough time - overflowing dvr - dry cuticles - paper cuts - the silent treatment - the elusive snow goose migration - missed yogurt sales - 2010 - root beer - sighs - stubborn puppies - the word "boring" - having to pee over and over again - passive aggressive behavior - the hamster wheel - small plastic mystery toy pieces - gas lights - chin fat
There! I just saved myself about twenty verbose entries and released my anger all at the same time. No need to thank me. Now, I will try to have a good day!
Roadkill in the spring - tax time - hunger pains - clutter - wasted time - spite - animals who tip my garbage cans and make messes - regret - religious blogs - clean counters getting dumped on - bad pistachios - lack of closure - skunk spray - Alzheimer's - overwhelming laundry piles - lack of follow through - bullies - sprained ankles - oxygen tanks - a too far away bathroom - headaches - missing socks - empty promises - tables full of paperwork - never enough time - overflowing dvr - dry cuticles - paper cuts - the silent treatment - the elusive snow goose migration - missed yogurt sales - 2010 - root beer - sighs - stubborn puppies - the word "boring" - having to pee over and over again - passive aggressive behavior - the hamster wheel - small plastic mystery toy pieces - gas lights - chin fat
There! I just saved myself about twenty verbose entries and released my anger all at the same time. No need to thank me. Now, I will try to have a good day!
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