The 21 year old me had the world at her fingertips. She had found her someday husband. She was finishing up school. The teaching that she had loved since childhood was right there in her lap. She bought her first new car. Her parents were in their own groove. She was tan and fit and happy. She was surrounded by good friends. She was full of confidence. She had good jobs and had perfect credit. It was all playing out perfectly. When she smiled it was from the inside out. She was more her than ever before and it would be the last time she felt that way...
Fast forward...through the moves, jobs, wedding, deaths, babies, trips, friends, meals, holidays, bars, anniversaries, therapy sessions, bosses, pets, paint swatches, recipes, shopping, books, concerts, wings, gallery openings, classes, seedlings, gadgets, bonuses, debts, certificates, vacations, status updates and every moment that fills in the time between those things.
Now you will find me here. I am sifting through old things and old memories. I am wondering where and what and why and how. I have to quiet the constant frequencies of the old. They play in the background like static on an old am radio. Sometimes they make my decision for me. Sometimes they screw up the new. Ghosts. I rewind my old top loader vcr with the wire and remote with three buttons and play the same stuff over and over. I try to figure out the pivotal moments that changed it all. Where did she go? What decision was perfect and which changed my life forever?
How many of us still use our top loading vcr with the wire that trips everyone that walks by? None of us. We have computers with a show or movie at our beck and call. We have dvrs that keep our picks for us. We watch when we feel like it and we delete as we see fit. Shoot, we don't even waste time with introduction theme songs (well except for certain shows like Big Bang) or commercials. I can watch certain competition shows in 13 minutes if I push through all of the stuff I don't want to see. So why in life am I hanging onto the vcr? Why am I playing the same old tapes over and over? They look grainy and sound muted.
When you get a new gadget you have to figure it out. Some read the directions and manuals...others play until they get it right. There is a learning curve. We won't be as fast with the functions or quick and nimble with the applications. We will have to learn it all over again. Someday it will be taken for granted that we know what we are doing. We will forget that it was rough there for a bit as we learned the new. There might be resistance to the learning and growth. It's not easy. Someday we will just be glad that the picture is clearer, the sound is pure and the functions are much more efficient. In the meantime, it will be a challenge.
So here we are in present time. The 21 year old got lost but the feeling has been found. It is all right in front of me. The difference now is that there is experience, maturity, and a giant sieve. It will shake life and see what is worth salvaging in the basket and what falls through to be left. I will have moments of fear and worry and loss and regret but they will diminish and fade as the new hope for tomorrow kicks it all out of the way.
It is time to hit the PLAY button.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Assessment (Sweet Disposition · The Temper Trap)
I have been a cheerleader my whole life and I don't mean the type with the pom poms. As a little girl I was given the job of jester to a mother, who though wonderful, had many challenges and even more demons. She looked to a little girl to soothe her and make her smile. Our relationship was a beautiful thing and a heavy burden all at the same time. This trend continued. I was the one giving people pep talks in most situations. I was the one supporting decisions and helping to make things happen. Most times I did not volunteer...the jobs just seemed to come my way. So that is what I do. If you are having a moment where you are lost I will put in my 37 cents (5 cents just won't do). The problem with that is you forget to cheer yourself on. You forget that you are there at all as you fix and placate and tend to the lost of the world.
I have been on a journey this year to find me. As I go to weekly therapy sessions to clear my head about the changes the same topic keeps coming up. I seem to have a problem with me. I worry about others opinions and what punishment I will get if I make one decision over another. I know that if I do what is right for me it will make others angry. I also have some weird thing about not deserving to have time and attention from people. I give...I don't take. It feels odd to do the opposite. I have been practicing to do what I need to and let the rest deal with their own lives. This doesn't mean I won't be your pep talk pal or there when you need me...it just means I am taking some time to be my own jester.
I am almost to my halfway point of new things. I am pretty proud so far. Some were pretty big. If it wasn't for this little challenge I don't think I would've been able to push myself properly. Some were silly. But that is life...balance. For every great adventure that was taken and every happy blog post that came with it there were moments of complete and utter desperation. For every good moment of easy there were several of pain. But I can't even begin to explain the feelings it has allowed me to explore. I am a chicken and this has pushed me. It will continue to push. This challenge has also made life COMPLETELY different. Now I can't imagine living life without it. It is a treasure hunt with a natural high every single day.
The second part of my challenge is approaching. I have many more goals. I have some plans. I have people I need to spend time with and others I need to find or catch up with. I have a few I need to let go of...they will be in the wake of my path along with junk I have accumulated through the years and clothes that will be too big. I will welcome the new cosmic pals that have found me and allow them to take care of me a bit. When you find me asking for a new idea it is really because I need one and so many of you have helped me. I am open to the love and support and celebration that comes with life. I don't want to be a victim or a martyr. I want to be the ball of sunshine who always searches for the rainbow after a shower. Thank you for the help...the support...the words of love. Thank for the invites and new ideas. Please don't be shy about ideas because this chicken is getting more brave every minute. Life just doesn't seem like living when you are scared to death of feeling it all. Life just isn't the same without loving your circle with reckless abandon. Life feels weird with support and love around me...funny, one would think that was a normal feeling. Maybe by the end of the year it will be.
I have been on a journey this year to find me. As I go to weekly therapy sessions to clear my head about the changes the same topic keeps coming up. I seem to have a problem with me. I worry about others opinions and what punishment I will get if I make one decision over another. I know that if I do what is right for me it will make others angry. I also have some weird thing about not deserving to have time and attention from people. I give...I don't take. It feels odd to do the opposite. I have been practicing to do what I need to and let the rest deal with their own lives. This doesn't mean I won't be your pep talk pal or there when you need me...it just means I am taking some time to be my own jester.
I am almost to my halfway point of new things. I am pretty proud so far. Some were pretty big. If it wasn't for this little challenge I don't think I would've been able to push myself properly. Some were silly. But that is life...balance. For every great adventure that was taken and every happy blog post that came with it there were moments of complete and utter desperation. For every good moment of easy there were several of pain. But I can't even begin to explain the feelings it has allowed me to explore. I am a chicken and this has pushed me. It will continue to push. This challenge has also made life COMPLETELY different. Now I can't imagine living life without it. It is a treasure hunt with a natural high every single day.
The second part of my challenge is approaching. I have many more goals. I have some plans. I have people I need to spend time with and others I need to find or catch up with. I have a few I need to let go of...they will be in the wake of my path along with junk I have accumulated through the years and clothes that will be too big. I will welcome the new cosmic pals that have found me and allow them to take care of me a bit. When you find me asking for a new idea it is really because I need one and so many of you have helped me. I am open to the love and support and celebration that comes with life. I don't want to be a victim or a martyr. I want to be the ball of sunshine who always searches for the rainbow after a shower. Thank you for the help...the support...the words of love. Thank for the invites and new ideas. Please don't be shy about ideas because this chicken is getting more brave every minute. Life just doesn't seem like living when you are scared to death of feeling it all. Life just isn't the same without loving your circle with reckless abandon. Life feels weird with support and love around me...funny, one would think that was a normal feeling. Maybe by the end of the year it will be.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Mean (Taylor Swift)
You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me,
You, have knocked me off my feet again,
Got me feeling like I’m nothing.
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I’m wounded.
You, pickin’ on the weaker man.
Well you can take me down,
With just one single blow.
But you don’t know, what you don’t know,
Someday, I’ll be living in a big old city,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Why you gotta be so mean?
You, with your switching sides,
And your walk by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again,
As if I don’t already see them.
I walk with my head down,
Trying to block you out cause I’ll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again.
I bet you got pushed around,
Somebody made you cold,
But the cycle ends right now,
You can’t lead me down that road,
You don’t know, what you don’t know
Someday, I’ll be, living in a big old city,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Why you gotta be so mean?
And I can see you years from now in a bar,
Talking over a football game,
With that same big loud opinion but,
Nobody’s listening,
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things,
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can’t sing.
But all you are is mean,
All you are is mean.
And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life,
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean
But someday, I’ll be, living in a big old city,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean. Yeah,
Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Why you gotta be so ?
Someday, I’ll be, living in a big old city,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean. Yeah,
Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Why you gotta be so mean?
And swords and weapons that you use against me,
You, have knocked me off my feet again,
Got me feeling like I’m nothing.
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I’m wounded.
You, pickin’ on the weaker man.
Well you can take me down,
With just one single blow.
But you don’t know, what you don’t know,
Someday, I’ll be living in a big old city,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Why you gotta be so mean?
You, with your switching sides,
And your walk by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again,
As if I don’t already see them.
I walk with my head down,
Trying to block you out cause I’ll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again.
I bet you got pushed around,
Somebody made you cold,
But the cycle ends right now,
You can’t lead me down that road,
You don’t know, what you don’t know
Someday, I’ll be, living in a big old city,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Why you gotta be so mean?
And I can see you years from now in a bar,
Talking over a football game,
With that same big loud opinion but,
Nobody’s listening,
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things,
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can’t sing.
But all you are is mean,
All you are is mean.
And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life,
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean
But someday, I’ll be, living in a big old city,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean. Yeah,
Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Why you gotta be so ?
Someday, I’ll be, living in a big old city,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean. Yeah,
Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Why you gotta be so mean?
The Truth (Prince)
When I was in the 9th grade I took English with a teacher I will never forget. I do not remember most of the content but I remember one statement that knocked my socks off. She said that each time you lie you lose a piece of yourself. By now you must know my love of the metaphor...the way I can get across what I am feeling with some pretty little picture or story. Well, I also personify. I also have quite the imagination. The world can be a very colorful place if I allow it. Then there is the extra perception that I seem to have. It was strong as a child but lately as I sift through the crap I am finding it stronger than ever. Rewind back to the statement by the teacher. Each time you lie you lose a piece of yourself....hmmm. I remember thinking of a person standing there and slowly losing actual little chunks of themselves. Disappearing right before your very eyes. Add this to twelve years of Catholic school and the B horror films of the 80's and you get one scared kid.
Now as an adult I seem to still possess the naivety and pure thinking of a child. It seems to take me so long to process the bullshit from the truth. Not the actual lies but the WHY behind them all. I go to my psychology minor in the hour of need. I understand so many of the reasons people lie. As I sit here and judge the dishonest of the world you are wondering about me and my truths. Well, let's see...as a kid did I sign some tests that my Mom should have? Yep. She didn't accept less than a 100 so in those Mommie Dearest moments where a 98 would've been an hour of yelling...I took it upon myself to spare her as well as myself. For the most part I have been a true person. Even when doing the wrongs of my life I did it with a truthfulness that did not always reward me.
But...I seem to be surrounded by the masters of the skill. They lie like they breathe. I have watched one too many Lie To Me and CSI to not see the signs. I have honed my skills for microexpressions. I have also opened my eyes to things I was not willing to see. Sometimes we lie to ourselves. But the really crazy part is that while you are lying yourself through the story you almost seem to disappear before me....growing hazy and foggy. Losing little pieces of yourself right before my eyes.
As a little girl I watched a woman dig through a bag of Scrabble letters to find the "U" for her gajillion point "Q" word. She denied it. As a teenager I found my way through every guy who had another girl on the side. So whether you are lying about the amount of money you spent on lottery tickets or lunch I seem to find out. We all know smoking pot isn't really "golfing" and napping somewhere isn't really "remodeling". Pretty sure those nasty things found in your pockets weren't from the "friend" at the bar. And all those hours spent "playing games" on the computer or "looking for a good deal"...well....I'll leave that one alone.
Do I believe sometimes you fib not to hurt someone's feelings? Maybe. I appreciate those of you who still claim I never got fat as I sit here and think about an eighty pound weight loss. Do I sometimes tell the kids that if they eat one more lollipop there teeth will fall out...yep...if it helps them eat those carrots. But when it comes down to the core...the real...the solid...the only thing that I truly value in life is honesty. It is a gift and a rare gem in this world. I am looking for the souls who are solid as they stand there before me telling me stories. It's not the honesty that is ever judged it is the deceit that finds its way in. When you are real you are a skyscraper tall and strong in front of me. When you are a liar with your fancy elaborate stories of grandeur and crazy that go on and on like some rambling run on sentence when you try to impress me with this and that and everything in between and sometimes you even get props like tape measures and supplies that you will need....well...you get the picture. I lose you. I won't believe that you can lie to me like that. I won't believe that you can lie to others like that. I just don't think in those patterns. What I can do is open my eyes and train myself. It's a sad realization and an even sadder process. Whatever would we do if we just used up all of that creativity on something good? What if you put those skills to a greater purpose? What if you didn't have to forget so much because the truth is usually pretty easy to keep track of?
I wanted to go with Billy Joel here. Honesty. It seemed too obvious and not angry enough but he says it so nicely: "Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue. Honesty is hardly ever heard. And mostly what I need from you."
Now as an adult I seem to still possess the naivety and pure thinking of a child. It seems to take me so long to process the bullshit from the truth. Not the actual lies but the WHY behind them all. I go to my psychology minor in the hour of need. I understand so many of the reasons people lie. As I sit here and judge the dishonest of the world you are wondering about me and my truths. Well, let's see...as a kid did I sign some tests that my Mom should have? Yep. She didn't accept less than a 100 so in those Mommie Dearest moments where a 98 would've been an hour of yelling...I took it upon myself to spare her as well as myself. For the most part I have been a true person. Even when doing the wrongs of my life I did it with a truthfulness that did not always reward me.
But...I seem to be surrounded by the masters of the skill. They lie like they breathe. I have watched one too many Lie To Me and CSI to not see the signs. I have honed my skills for microexpressions. I have also opened my eyes to things I was not willing to see. Sometimes we lie to ourselves. But the really crazy part is that while you are lying yourself through the story you almost seem to disappear before me....growing hazy and foggy. Losing little pieces of yourself right before my eyes.
As a little girl I watched a woman dig through a bag of Scrabble letters to find the "U" for her gajillion point "Q" word. She denied it. As a teenager I found my way through every guy who had another girl on the side. So whether you are lying about the amount of money you spent on lottery tickets or lunch I seem to find out. We all know smoking pot isn't really "golfing" and napping somewhere isn't really "remodeling". Pretty sure those nasty things found in your pockets weren't from the "friend" at the bar. And all those hours spent "playing games" on the computer or "looking for a good deal"...well....I'll leave that one alone.
Do I believe sometimes you fib not to hurt someone's feelings? Maybe. I appreciate those of you who still claim I never got fat as I sit here and think about an eighty pound weight loss. Do I sometimes tell the kids that if they eat one more lollipop there teeth will fall out...yep...if it helps them eat those carrots. But when it comes down to the core...the real...the solid...the only thing that I truly value in life is honesty. It is a gift and a rare gem in this world. I am looking for the souls who are solid as they stand there before me telling me stories. It's not the honesty that is ever judged it is the deceit that finds its way in. When you are real you are a skyscraper tall and strong in front of me. When you are a liar with your fancy elaborate stories of grandeur and crazy that go on and on like some rambling run on sentence when you try to impress me with this and that and everything in between and sometimes you even get props like tape measures and supplies that you will need....well...you get the picture. I lose you. I won't believe that you can lie to me like that. I won't believe that you can lie to others like that. I just don't think in those patterns. What I can do is open my eyes and train myself. It's a sad realization and an even sadder process. Whatever would we do if we just used up all of that creativity on something good? What if you put those skills to a greater purpose? What if you didn't have to forget so much because the truth is usually pretty easy to keep track of?
I wanted to go with Billy Joel here. Honesty. It seemed too obvious and not angry enough but he says it so nicely: "Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue. Honesty is hardly ever heard. And mostly what I need from you."
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Morning Song... (Dinner at Eight · Rufus Wainright)
I'm at a loss of words. I'm staring at a screen and waiting for just the right sentences to form themselves as I type. I heard this song this morning on my ipod and knew it would mean something to me later on. I had no idea...
No matter how strong
I'm gonna take you down
With one little stone
I'm gonna break you down
And see what you're worth
What you're really worth to me
Dinner at eight was okay
Before the toast full of gleams
It was great until those old magazines
Got us started up again
Actually it was probably me again
Why is it so
That I've always been the one who must go
That I've always been the one told to flee
When it fact you were the one long ago
Actually in the drifting white snow
You left me
So put up your fists and I'll put up mine
No running away from the scene of the crime
God's chosen a place
Somewhere near the end of the world
Somewhere near the end of our lives
But 'til then no, Daddy, don't be surprised
If I wanna see the tears in your eyes
Then I know it had to be long ago
Actually in the drifting white snow
You loved me
No matter how strong
I'm gonna take you down
With one little stone
I'm gonna break you down
And see what you're worth
What you're really worth to me
No matter how strong
I'm gonna take you down
With one little stone
I'm gonna break you down
And see what you're worth
What you're really worth to me
Dinner at eight was okay
Before the toast full of gleams
It was great until those old magazines
Got us started up again
Actually it was probably me again
Why is it so
That I've always been the one who must go
That I've always been the one told to flee
When it fact you were the one long ago
Actually in the drifting white snow
You left me
So put up your fists and I'll put up mine
No running away from the scene of the crime
God's chosen a place
Somewhere near the end of the world
Somewhere near the end of our lives
But 'til then no, Daddy, don't be surprised
If I wanna see the tears in your eyes
Then I know it had to be long ago
Actually in the drifting white snow
You loved me
No matter how strong
I'm gonna take you down
With one little stone
I'm gonna break you down
And see what you're worth
What you're really worth to me
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Joy loves company (Misery Loves Company · Johnny Stewart)
It's a sad realization but one I must accept. Not everyone wants you to get better...do better...be better. In many, many ways. I started to see this in people a long time ago but kept my head down and pushed my way through the crowd of the miserable. As changes are being made and I am becoming less tolerable of the doom and gloom of many...it is becoming very clear. People don't always want you to succeed. In your happiness they see their own sadness. In your accomplishments they see their own failures. In your optimism they see their own misery. The list goes on and on.
From a young age I was trained to think this was fine. The minute things were too good for me someone slapped me down about it. I was made to feel badly about anything that I had or did even if it was because I earned it with good hard work and dedication. I was made to feel guilty about being everything from too skinny or too smart....to finding love or a good job. Friends, families, partners, etc all just waiting to chop down the feeling of pride with a quick cut that would return me to the cruel real world.
As a grown woman on a new path to the life that I really want I am no longer allowing this. I stood there yesterday analyzing the wonderful day that I was having. I was wondering what thing would go wrong to balance out the luck and fun of it all. I was questioning if I "deserved" such goodness. A dear woman reminded me that it was just fine. We deserved it. We earned it. She was right. Another dear friend of mine has been teaching me to accept the good of life as well as the bad. She shared an abundance mantra with me that has been slowly but surely coming to fruition. I am retraining my brain to accept that I can indeed have good things happen and it is okay. Maybe a sad thing to have to train myself to do but with awareness and practice I think I am on the right path.
I have a heart that wants the best for people. Score a great new job, find the love of your life, win big at the casino...guess who is sooooooo excited for you? Genuinely? Truly? Me. I want good to happen to and for you because that's what you do when you care about someone. You want the best for them. Selfless is hard. Loving can be challenging. Giving is an effort. But anything decent in this world is. My next step is to surround myself with the people who are generous of spirit and time. Those that are happy to share in your joy. The few who know you deserved the outcome you worked so hard for. The true fans of your life. They are rare. But then again when something is rare it is usually much more precious. I will be grateful to those support systems. I will give thanks to the those who listen to the sad and horrible as well as smile through the stories of fun and blessings. I am grateful to those of you who have been there when I needed you and not just when you needed me.
One of my best buddies wears a necklace of a circle that symbolizes karma. She believes in it. I always have as well. Put out good...get good back. I will continue to spend time and energy on those that believe the same things as me. I will love them and want the best for them and I will allow them to train me that it is just fine to get it back as well. Thank you...you all know who you are!
From a young age I was trained to think this was fine. The minute things were too good for me someone slapped me down about it. I was made to feel badly about anything that I had or did even if it was because I earned it with good hard work and dedication. I was made to feel guilty about being everything from too skinny or too smart....to finding love or a good job. Friends, families, partners, etc all just waiting to chop down the feeling of pride with a quick cut that would return me to the cruel real world.
As a grown woman on a new path to the life that I really want I am no longer allowing this. I stood there yesterday analyzing the wonderful day that I was having. I was wondering what thing would go wrong to balance out the luck and fun of it all. I was questioning if I "deserved" such goodness. A dear woman reminded me that it was just fine. We deserved it. We earned it. She was right. Another dear friend of mine has been teaching me to accept the good of life as well as the bad. She shared an abundance mantra with me that has been slowly but surely coming to fruition. I am retraining my brain to accept that I can indeed have good things happen and it is okay. Maybe a sad thing to have to train myself to do but with awareness and practice I think I am on the right path.
I have a heart that wants the best for people. Score a great new job, find the love of your life, win big at the casino...guess who is sooooooo excited for you? Genuinely? Truly? Me. I want good to happen to and for you because that's what you do when you care about someone. You want the best for them. Selfless is hard. Loving can be challenging. Giving is an effort. But anything decent in this world is. My next step is to surround myself with the people who are generous of spirit and time. Those that are happy to share in your joy. The few who know you deserved the outcome you worked so hard for. The true fans of your life. They are rare. But then again when something is rare it is usually much more precious. I will be grateful to those support systems. I will give thanks to the those who listen to the sad and horrible as well as smile through the stories of fun and blessings. I am grateful to those of you who have been there when I needed you and not just when you needed me.
One of my best buddies wears a necklace of a circle that symbolizes karma. She believes in it. I always have as well. Put out good...get good back. I will continue to spend time and energy on those that believe the same things as me. I will love them and want the best for them and I will allow them to train me that it is just fine to get it back as well. Thank you...you all know who you are!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Hushing my vibe (It's Oh So Quiet · Bjork)
It seems that Playlist has decided to cease the automatic song start and will now require you to press play. I know the music on blogs annoys some people and when I read "The Top 10 Blog No No's" it mentioned how music was bad. BUT that is a major part of my crumbling. Sometimes the song inspires the actual post. Other times I search for just the right tune. Others its just right there. Now, I guess you have to release the notes so that they may accompany my words. Since this is the case I have decided to change the titles to include the song that is meant to go with it. I know some of you seem to be catching up on the weekends or get to it when you get to it so this way you will know the flavor I am setting up with my story...if you should so choose of course. The song is usually number one with the new post because I arrange it that way. You can read in silence. Pffffft. Carry on.
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