Some days are heavier than others. Today was a day I was grateful to have a big project to distract me. Those moments of busy keep my brain active and preoccupied. In the quiet moments that follow the flurry of a busy day come the realities. The reality that this is all not some crazy dream that I will wake up from. That the life which I knew for so long is completely different now. So much unsettled. So much new.
The other day I found a cd that I had been wondering about lately. The first time I ever heard the song Gravity by Sarah Bareilles I remembered thinking it was one of the most amazing songs ever. Today while driving home the next track of her cd started up and there it was. My sunroof was a flood of light...hot upon my arms. The windows were down. And I sang so loudly that my stomach was slightly sore by the end of the song. I didn't care who might have heard as a drove down this lightly traveled road from Effort.
"Something always brings me back to you...it never takes too long". The song talks about gravity. It can be anything that holds you down...keeps you back. Doesn't allow you to move forward or in any direction at all. When I first heard the song it was while watching a dance show and the choreographer interpreted it as addiction and how it holds you. We all have something that holds us. Keeps us. Chains us. I am realizing I had more than I thought and I need to set them free. "Set me free, leave me be...I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity"...more of the lyrics that ask to not be held back. I sang loudly to remind myself. I sang loudly because the mixture of wind and sunlight and exhaustion from a good day of hard work made me feel free...even if only for the short time it took to get home.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Circles (Carousel · Sydney Wayser)
When I go to the amusement park I avoid the spinny rides. I get dizzy and sick to my stomach. It goes from there and steals hours of fun as my body tries to undo the damage of the circles. I have noticed that there are certain circles and cycles to my life. I am breaking my own as much as I can as quickly as I can and I think I am doing ok. In fact, I've been surprising even myself and I can be my own worst enemy. As I change and adapt yet again to the things around me I am getting frustrated. At what point will these constant adaptations start to benefit me? If I grow in ways I thought unimaginable and continue to push myself in places I was well aware were in need of repair...is there not some reward?
As a grown up I have learned that no matter how much I want to ride those colorful, loud and fun rides that twist and turn I really can't handle them. I love the ups and downs of a good roller coaster. Moments of excitement tucked strategically in pockets of calm. I like scenic train rides. There is a track and path to follow and I can enjoy the view. I like lots of different rides for many different reasons. But to go in circles...just not my thing. I have already passed by something once maybe twice...why do it over and over and over? I will stand in line for the rumbling wild of a wooden coaster. I will get soaked on the log flume. I will chase you with wild abandon on the bumper cars. But please don't ask me to spin in circles because I will have to walk away. I will find a nice park bench to sit on with my kettle corn as you spin in the circles you can't seem to escape. I will watch from a distance but I will not get on the ride.
As a grown up I have learned that no matter how much I want to ride those colorful, loud and fun rides that twist and turn I really can't handle them. I love the ups and downs of a good roller coaster. Moments of excitement tucked strategically in pockets of calm. I like scenic train rides. There is a track and path to follow and I can enjoy the view. I like lots of different rides for many different reasons. But to go in circles...just not my thing. I have already passed by something once maybe twice...why do it over and over and over? I will stand in line for the rumbling wild of a wooden coaster. I will get soaked on the log flume. I will chase you with wild abandon on the bumper cars. But please don't ask me to spin in circles because I will have to walk away. I will find a nice park bench to sit on with my kettle corn as you spin in the circles you can't seem to escape. I will watch from a distance but I will not get on the ride.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Derailed (Somewhere Only We Know · Keane)
I have often described the feeling of life being "right" as being on a track. A train track. Solid and true. I can zoom along with a clackety-clack. But it's been a LONG time since I have felt that way. Certain decisions that were made a million years ago all seemed right. Lately, I just feel like I am going nowhere. There was a chunk of track missing and I derailed. Now I just wait for the new section of track to make sense of it all again. I've been dragging in the dirt and gravel too long.
They say it's not the destination but the journey. I am starting to wonder about the journey as well. I am a girl who likes order. Entropy terrifies me. Don't get me wrong I love NEW things as you can see by my current challenge to myself and the world around me...but I need a few solid things to ground me. There is so little that is the same in my life and so much question as to my future that I never really know what to cling to in the moments that I need a little safety and calm.
Almost every single aspect of my life is unsettled. I could list it all but it would make me more tired and it's Monday....morning...and I'm supposed to start off the week with a bang, right? In the meantime, take my word for it. There is almost nothing that is a set thing. That is safe. That is solid. I can understand a few new challenges but this is getting almost comical. I am imploring the universe and all of its mightiness to throw me something soon to tether me a bit. I'm pretty good when I have a goal to shoot for but this is like playing numerous soccer games on eight fields at one time. Give me something tried and true. Something unwavering. A routine to fall into. A place that is safe and welcoming. Clear the path. Lay the track. Oil the wheels. Reinforce the metal. Please get this train running again soon. She needs a destination. She can take in the scenery on the way and experience the trip for what it's worth but there has to be a time to hit the next stop. A place to rest for a moment. Refuel. And right now there is all horizon and no track.
They say it's not the destination but the journey. I am starting to wonder about the journey as well. I am a girl who likes order. Entropy terrifies me. Don't get me wrong I love NEW things as you can see by my current challenge to myself and the world around me...but I need a few solid things to ground me. There is so little that is the same in my life and so much question as to my future that I never really know what to cling to in the moments that I need a little safety and calm.
Almost every single aspect of my life is unsettled. I could list it all but it would make me more tired and it's Monday....morning...and I'm supposed to start off the week with a bang, right? In the meantime, take my word for it. There is almost nothing that is a set thing. That is safe. That is solid. I can understand a few new challenges but this is getting almost comical. I am imploring the universe and all of its mightiness to throw me something soon to tether me a bit. I'm pretty good when I have a goal to shoot for but this is like playing numerous soccer games on eight fields at one time. Give me something tried and true. Something unwavering. A routine to fall into. A place that is safe and welcoming. Clear the path. Lay the track. Oil the wheels. Reinforce the metal. Please get this train running again soon. She needs a destination. She can take in the scenery on the way and experience the trip for what it's worth but there has to be a time to hit the next stop. A place to rest for a moment. Refuel. And right now there is all horizon and no track.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day reflection (New soul · Yael Naim)
There is no feeling in the world like the emotions that rush through your body when they tell you are going to be a mother. You are suddenly in charge of a life. A life. A whole life. There is panic to say the least. There is gratitude to the heavens. There is the realization that life will never be the same. It's not just you anymore...ever.
You have to grow up as you grow out. Books though helpful don't really give you the feeling of confidence you will need. Sometimes they only make you worry more. Advice from others...eh, sometimes that gets frustrating. You hear so many "right" ways that you are left feeling that everything you do will be wrong. You will be judged if you nurse, don't nurse, use disposable diapers, don't make your own baby food, if you let them cry it out, if you use a family bed, if you drink a glass of wine, any and all things will be scrutinized. The truth is somewhere amongst the advice, volumes of text and child rearing classes you start to find your own voice. You start to define your own role as "mother".
THEN the big day comes. The one that makes you see more than anything prior to that NOTHING has ever made you feel so brave. And it is only the beginning. You turn into the mama lioness protecting her cubs at any and all costs. You will still worry about the cough that doesn't sound like any other. You will still panic at the thought of not preparing them for the world and all they will encounter. A good mom will always put them first. Probably for the rest of their lives.
There is no bond like it. There is a moment when they first enter the world that has been merely spinning before them...a moment so profound that the noise becomes silence, your tears rejoice in the gratitude and your heart swells beyond your chest. It is a moment when you realize this little soul looks up and into you and nothing, no nothing will ever be the same.
Moms out there...it doesn't matter if you are the best mom that has ever lived...it just matters to your little one. For them there is no competition. Happy Mother's Day.
You have to grow up as you grow out. Books though helpful don't really give you the feeling of confidence you will need. Sometimes they only make you worry more. Advice from others...eh, sometimes that gets frustrating. You hear so many "right" ways that you are left feeling that everything you do will be wrong. You will be judged if you nurse, don't nurse, use disposable diapers, don't make your own baby food, if you let them cry it out, if you use a family bed, if you drink a glass of wine, any and all things will be scrutinized. The truth is somewhere amongst the advice, volumes of text and child rearing classes you start to find your own voice. You start to define your own role as "mother".
THEN the big day comes. The one that makes you see more than anything prior to that NOTHING has ever made you feel so brave. And it is only the beginning. You turn into the mama lioness protecting her cubs at any and all costs. You will still worry about the cough that doesn't sound like any other. You will still panic at the thought of not preparing them for the world and all they will encounter. A good mom will always put them first. Probably for the rest of their lives.
There is no bond like it. There is a moment when they first enter the world that has been merely spinning before them...a moment so profound that the noise becomes silence, your tears rejoice in the gratitude and your heart swells beyond your chest. It is a moment when you realize this little soul looks up and into you and nothing, no nothing will ever be the same.
Moms out there...it doesn't matter if you are the best mom that has ever lived...it just matters to your little one. For them there is no competition. Happy Mother's Day.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Saying goodbye (Timshel · Mumford & Sons)
My therapist told me that once you have said goodbye to someone substantial all other deaths after bring it right back to you. I guess she was right. This morning was a rough one. I headed into my Mom's closet. I have been avoiding it. I avoid the room in general. Unhealthy, I know. Anyway, I looked for a shirt to borrow. I think I needed her to be close. I got ready for church and filled out the envelope with a special blessing for mothers. I had to write her name and check off the box for "deceased". I cried during Mass. The homily was perfect for what I needed to hear this week so it helped. I am spiritual, not religious...and today the message was simply beautiful and gave me a ton to reflect upon.
Later on in the day I found out that my best friend is saying goodbye to her aunt. Hospice is on the way. I know too much about hospice. It did indeed bring it all back. I was sad knowing I couldn't be there to hug them all. I was frustrated I could not help. It also made me think of my 3 full days with hospice here at the house. It is a short yet endless time when you are saying goodbye. Time is passing in slow motion and on fast forward all at the same time. It is a delicate time balanced between life and death, pain and healing, selfishness and generosity. It is like nothing else.
My Mom spent years begging me to sing for her. I never would. Little tidbits here and there maybe. But I was shy and she had a lovely voice so I did not let it out. I spent 3 days by her side. I talked for hours, rambled, read prayers, remembered and reminded. I also sang. I sang pretty little songs that filled the air with the notes she had always longed to hear. I also held her hand. I told her it was ok to go. I freed her spirit with forgiveness and prayer and a peaceful calm. This was one of the songs I played for her. She was not alone. She was surrounded by those who loved her so.
To my dear friend and her amazing cousin and her sweet mother...I am sorry. I am sorry that you were led to believe that someone had healed only to have it taken away. It is an injustice we both have felt and it is cruel and unfair. I am sorry that you did not have a week at the beach to cherish one another one last time. I am there in spirit holding them all up as their knees weaken and they say their goodbyes. I only wish I was there in body as well. My love and thoughts and prayers go to a family that celebrated life in many ways and family was the biggest of them. And to a Mom that is missed dearly. May you find one another and walk the beach in search of shells together sometime.
Later on in the day I found out that my best friend is saying goodbye to her aunt. Hospice is on the way. I know too much about hospice. It did indeed bring it all back. I was sad knowing I couldn't be there to hug them all. I was frustrated I could not help. It also made me think of my 3 full days with hospice here at the house. It is a short yet endless time when you are saying goodbye. Time is passing in slow motion and on fast forward all at the same time. It is a delicate time balanced between life and death, pain and healing, selfishness and generosity. It is like nothing else.
My Mom spent years begging me to sing for her. I never would. Little tidbits here and there maybe. But I was shy and she had a lovely voice so I did not let it out. I spent 3 days by her side. I talked for hours, rambled, read prayers, remembered and reminded. I also sang. I sang pretty little songs that filled the air with the notes she had always longed to hear. I also held her hand. I told her it was ok to go. I freed her spirit with forgiveness and prayer and a peaceful calm. This was one of the songs I played for her. She was not alone. She was surrounded by those who loved her so.
To my dear friend and her amazing cousin and her sweet mother...I am sorry. I am sorry that you were led to believe that someone had healed only to have it taken away. It is an injustice we both have felt and it is cruel and unfair. I am sorry that you did not have a week at the beach to cherish one another one last time. I am there in spirit holding them all up as their knees weaken and they say their goodbyes. I only wish I was there in body as well. My love and thoughts and prayers go to a family that celebrated life in many ways and family was the biggest of them. And to a Mom that is missed dearly. May you find one another and walk the beach in search of shells together sometime.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Once the child... (Once the Child · Peter Bjorn and Victoria Bergsman)
Let me tell you...nothing makes you feel more odd than reversing the roles with your parents. I had to do it while my Mom was ill. Become her parent. Yell at her to take her medicine and drink enough fluids. Now I have to do it with my elderly father.
Now, many of you KNOW my Dad. He is full of spirit and energy (considering he is about to turn 85). He still drives (not always safely) and goes out (usually to buy scratchies). He gets his haircut from the cute little hairdresser he likes to visit. He doesn't mind a field trip to the casino. He runs to the supermarket for any item and drives them all nuts to find it for him. The kids make him play baseball in the yard and have light saber fights, etc. Always up for a chance to watch his babies...he is a wonderful grandfather. But he's getting older. He dozes on the couch after a bit and needs to rest from time to time. He yells at us when we park too far from a building. He also misses his lovey very, very much. So we put up with the rants about shoes in his way or cilantro that I sneak into his food. He is a wonderful man in a million ways and we are all lucky to have him.
That being said. He is also a pain in my ass. He knows nothing of the bills, credit cards, taxes, etc. He has never planned for anything. He was taken care of by a huge family of women and then a devoted wife for almost 40 years. So guess who has the burden now? Part of me is very happy to pay him back for the years of fathering that he delivered to this curly haired little cookie. But parts of me are amazed at how little he did on his own. The man could oversee building some of the world's most famous structures but now...here...he is clueless. We have little fights here and there and he "apologizes" with a box of chocolate or a new flowering plant. At least he still knows how to charm a lady. The last few months have been hard. I can't mourn because I am too busy taking care of business. Maybe that's a good thing. All I know is I'm exhausted. We include him in as much as we can. I leave him notes each morning to remind him of the day of the week it is and where we all are if the house is empty. I help him with pretty much everything. Except the scratchies. That he seems to have no problem with. He took care of me for a long time...still does in a lot of ways so it's the least I can do. I know someday he might not know me anymore and another day he will be gone so I hang on to each moment as much as I can. I will make notes, I will do two sets of bills and budgets, I will take care of the house...but it doesn't mean I like the new role of parent to my own Dad. It's hard. It's tricky. It's confusing. In many ways. So I remember the days he took care of his little girl (Cookie, Meatball, Peanut, Chrissy) and all he did for me and remember that I owe him. It's that simple. But if you are young enough to have young vibrant parents...enjoy them for me please...and don't waste a day not letting your parents know how much you love them!
Now, many of you KNOW my Dad. He is full of spirit and energy (considering he is about to turn 85). He still drives (not always safely) and goes out (usually to buy scratchies). He gets his haircut from the cute little hairdresser he likes to visit. He doesn't mind a field trip to the casino. He runs to the supermarket for any item and drives them all nuts to find it for him. The kids make him play baseball in the yard and have light saber fights, etc. Always up for a chance to watch his babies...he is a wonderful grandfather. But he's getting older. He dozes on the couch after a bit and needs to rest from time to time. He yells at us when we park too far from a building. He also misses his lovey very, very much. So we put up with the rants about shoes in his way or cilantro that I sneak into his food. He is a wonderful man in a million ways and we are all lucky to have him.
That being said. He is also a pain in my ass. He knows nothing of the bills, credit cards, taxes, etc. He has never planned for anything. He was taken care of by a huge family of women and then a devoted wife for almost 40 years. So guess who has the burden now? Part of me is very happy to pay him back for the years of fathering that he delivered to this curly haired little cookie. But parts of me are amazed at how little he did on his own. The man could oversee building some of the world's most famous structures but now...here...he is clueless. We have little fights here and there and he "apologizes" with a box of chocolate or a new flowering plant. At least he still knows how to charm a lady. The last few months have been hard. I can't mourn because I am too busy taking care of business. Maybe that's a good thing. All I know is I'm exhausted. We include him in as much as we can. I leave him notes each morning to remind him of the day of the week it is and where we all are if the house is empty. I help him with pretty much everything. Except the scratchies. That he seems to have no problem with. He took care of me for a long time...still does in a lot of ways so it's the least I can do. I know someday he might not know me anymore and another day he will be gone so I hang on to each moment as much as I can. I will make notes, I will do two sets of bills and budgets, I will take care of the house...but it doesn't mean I like the new role of parent to my own Dad. It's hard. It's tricky. It's confusing. In many ways. So I remember the days he took care of his little girl (Cookie, Meatball, Peanut, Chrissy) and all he did for me and remember that I owe him. It's that simple. But if you are young enough to have young vibrant parents...enjoy them for me please...and don't waste a day not letting your parents know how much you love them!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Sunny and 70° (I Was Made for Sunny Days · The Weepies)
I have often equated my emotions to the weather. In fact, for the past year or so I would joke about causing the weather. You know that storm that knocked out the power and downed a few trees...me. The sunny day that made you pack a picnic basket and head to the park...thank me. The blizzard in April complete with a snow day...you got it...all me. The weather and my emotions have had a relationship. If the weather can be sunny and beautiful one day and the next cause major destruction then why can't little old me?
I am a little sky full of weather. I can be gentle and kind like a warm summer breeze. I can be the roughest storm you have ever endured. I can be the quiet snowfall of a tender storm in January. I think if my mind and spirit was a bit more inland maybe things would calm down. But right now I am the mighty coastline. One hour you can sip a drink on my sandy beach but the next you might just be running for your life from my lightning. And I am starting to accept that it's okay. I have had a lot of changes. My jet streams and troughs and other various weather terms are all a flyin'. I am no longer the kite being blown in the breeze. Now, I am the actual forces surrounding the kite.
I think that the quick changing weather patterns are a part of the process. I am taking each day, each hour, each moment for what it is. I am looking and finding and growing and changing...always. I am finding the present. The ominous skies are no match for this brain. The seasons and their moods are welcome. I realize they are part of the journey. Little by little I will become that place that has higher real estate values because of its weather and views. Those sunny and 70's places. I will have little stormy moments here and there to keep it interesting I promise. I will give you snow days and sunburns and flash floods...but for the most part I will be the inspiration to take that walk. For now, I will welcome the seasons and all that they have to offer. I also promise to cry less because it needs to stop raining! (yep, that's me as well)
I am a little sky full of weather. I can be gentle and kind like a warm summer breeze. I can be the roughest storm you have ever endured. I can be the quiet snowfall of a tender storm in January. I think if my mind and spirit was a bit more inland maybe things would calm down. But right now I am the mighty coastline. One hour you can sip a drink on my sandy beach but the next you might just be running for your life from my lightning. And I am starting to accept that it's okay. I have had a lot of changes. My jet streams and troughs and other various weather terms are all a flyin'. I am no longer the kite being blown in the breeze. Now, I am the actual forces surrounding the kite.
I think that the quick changing weather patterns are a part of the process. I am taking each day, each hour, each moment for what it is. I am looking and finding and growing and changing...always. I am finding the present. The ominous skies are no match for this brain. The seasons and their moods are welcome. I realize they are part of the journey. Little by little I will become that place that has higher real estate values because of its weather and views. Those sunny and 70's places. I will have little stormy moments here and there to keep it interesting I promise. I will give you snow days and sunburns and flash floods...but for the most part I will be the inspiration to take that walk. For now, I will welcome the seasons and all that they have to offer. I also promise to cry less because it needs to stop raining! (yep, that's me as well)
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