My status is "separated" (Merry Happy · Kate Nash)

     (This post has been sitting in my draft section for weeks. The separation happened a long time ago.  I find today as I have just finished my book that I am setting it free to the world in the hopes of making me lighter.  Wish me luck!)
     I am separated.  God, that hurts to say.   I didn't accept it myself.  I couldn't deal with it being over.  It was bad enough when I had to tell my closest friends and family.  It was hard to do the school paperwork for my daughter.  It was hard to realize a million little and huge things.  Nothing is harder.  Nothing.  It has been a horrible journey that I wish upon no one.    Ups and downs.  Hell and heaven.  Destruction and rebuilding.  Honesty and lies.  Anger and peace.  You get the idea.  I watched Eat, Pray, Love.  It helped.  I'm reading it now.  Thinking about putting on a Barbie production of it next to keep reminding myself that it will all be ok.
     I've heard lots of theories lately.  The universe has it all laid out and we are just going about our business like ants at a picnic.  I've also heard that what happens to you simply happens to you and it's how you deal with it that matters.  The term soul mate has been questioned.  I have analyzed what was done wrong and right.   I have blamed me, him, the times, our ages, global warming. 
     I guess the real problem was the failing.  See, I don't get bad grades.  I'm not used to them.  This means I have to accept that I messed up.  And this one is a biggie.  Therapy, religious retreats, Dr Phil books, Oprah...I've tried it all. I've been skinny and fat.  I've tried dark long hair and short blond hair.  I worked my ass off in a million different ways and here I am with over 17 years invested in a relationship that is over.  I have cried in the shower, on the floor, while scrambling eggs, by the washer and dryer, near the window, while driving, in nightmares...everywhere.  I have sobbed in several states. Somewhere along the line the sobbing had replaced the numbness of life.  I had many tears to get out..thank goodness they don't stain.
    This dismantling goes back for years and years.  First, you start to realize it just isn't the same.  You hear less and less how beautiful you are.  Then you aren't even listened to.  There is no sharing...no communicating.   You become a ghost in your own life.  You spend every moment of every single day giving... to the kids, the husband, the old parents, the animals, the job.  Your life's path and career get put on the back burner so someone else can give a try at theirs.  You spend day after day doing all that needs to be done and instead of being appreciated it becomes expected.  (Hmmm, this really keeps coming up, huh?!)   You then find a growing resentment in your stomach.  One that starts to punish and manipulate, nag and bug.  The two dear friends and partners become angry enemies...silently at first and quite loud later on.  You forget the goals you established so long ago...or maybe they were achieved already...and now what?  You start to hurt one another in more ways to count and that is when it is time to surrender.  Requests are ignored, presence is avoided and any time spent together is hurtful.  This goes on for years.  Quietly at times, a blasting volume at others.  There is no balance. 
     But that being said...I can finally say after years of trying and denying and fighting and losing...it is really here.  The thing that I thought could NEVER happen in a million years...did indeed happen.  I guess I should have been onto something when at a renewal of vows ceremony he used the words "In sickness or in HELL".  Sometimes now I cry on the floor too but for different reasons.  Instead of being lonely and sad now I cry for the loss.  The loss of a family, traditions, habits, rituals and memories.  I cry for the replacement of it all.
     Until just the other day.  It finally all made sense.  Finally could be at peace with it.  Apologies were made.  Habits were accepted.  Honesty rang true.  I saw things for what they were instead of what I hoped they could be.  A mirror also showed me what needed to be changed personally.  I have accepted that two people can be terrific parents, will someday be great friends again but were just not so good as partners.  Neither of them.  No more fingers.  No more blame.  Just acceptance that all of this time was spent for a reason.  I have perfect children that I could not imagine living without.  I have almost two decades full of beautiful memories.  We grew up together.  We had first jobs, new careers, dear friends,  a first apartment, a first home, a miscarriage, two cats, a frog, a parrot, kidney stones, gall stones, new cities to travel to, new roller coasters to ride, endless parties, countless game nights and the two most amazing children.  We shared births, deaths, starts and ends.  We moved away.  We moved back.  We grew up.  Not a day goes by I don't think of the life I spent so long living.  But I am working on something...instead of thinking of the would have or could have of it all I am now simply remembering the beauty.  The growth.  Instead of wondering where I could have been by now had things played out differently I am now thinking of the whole new start that is in front of us.  Instead of thinking of it as time wasted I am thinking of it as time well spent for so many reasons.  Instead of thinking of the people I could have lost...I will make sure that they all know what they mean to me.  Instead of clinging I will let go and allow this broken heart, broken spirit and broken soul begin to heal.
       And to you, (my retired Shmoopy) I wish you a life full of love.  May you be the best father a child has ever seen, the best son to the best mother in the world, the best brother for two of the coolest guys you are lucky to know and everything you always wanted to be when you grew up.  And please don't ever stop making me laugh.