If graphite is squeezed with just the right temperature and pressure it becomes a diamond. Something dull and simple becomes quite miraculous. Gorgeous. Strong and beautiful.
My universe and its unyielding lessons aren't leaving one stone unturned. I should correct this...there are a few unturned and I am quite fearful universe...so please leave them that way. I am finding myself overwhelmed. Tired. Drained. Hurt. Weary. Worn. I am sliding into old grooves...pulled as if the ice needs a good cleaning.
My car ride back and forth to work has been mentioned often. It is my only "quiet" time. I use quotes because quiet is the last way I would describe the drive. My music is my companion. Today a few clicks of the ipod brought me to this song....how perfect. I will admit to you that I played it over and over. It made sense of the madness that has been going on around me. There is a shift happening and it seems that things are being twisted in some medieval device...relentlessly. Pressure is scary. Hard. Makes us snap. Makes us short. Pushes us to say and do things. We clean. We run. We fight. We all have our behaviors and while are some are quite productive...others are extremely damaging. Finding the tools and methods to get through the pressure is the key. Harming as few souls as we can while on the journey is a goal. Becoming more...better...bigger...stronger is why we experience pressure.
When you are delivering a baby they use the term "pressure". When a jeweler describes the process of the development of a diamond the word is also used. Babies and diamonds are both pretty spectacular so I'll cross my fingers and hope that at the end of this mess of a life I've been living lately...something really extraordinary will be the result.
In the meantime...to those of us experiencing these shifts...be patient. With yourself. With others. Focus. Breathe. Center. Keep perspectives. Be aware. Be productive. Be kind....and wait for the sparkle of the diamond that you will become.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
The Perfect Space (The Avett Brothers)
My theme for this next year of life will be "restore order". It carries over into everything. I will clean up my space...physical, emotional, mental and all the little places in between it all. I will clear away the things that have been bogging me down...from the countless pages of emails to the closet of a woman who is no longer here to wear the clothes that hang there. My dvr is loaded, my pile of bills is overwhelming, drawers are bursting and full of things that are no longer needed or useful. There is a basement full of molding yesterdays and maybe tomorrows and a garage that would make it jealous. I was surrounded by people who find it hard to say goodbye to anything...so things were kept to keep it simple and easy. For them. I am here buried in it all. I am the girl who owns a label maker. I find solace in charts. I smile at a new batch of colorful dry erase markers for the calendar that keeps me fooled into thinking I am in charge of anything. I am giving myself one year...to clean it all up.
Keep an eye on the "free rock" out front because you might just find something juicy. Let me know if you've had your eye on anything. I will be selling, donating, giving, tossing and purging. Life needs to be simple. Time should be spent with my growing children... not on moving things from one pile to the next. Time should be spent with the man who might forget who I am sooner than I'd like to think...not on dusting things I don't care about. Time should be spent digging myself out of the rubble...not out of the piles of clothing nobody wears. It's time to find the perfect space to free up the time to frolic. Time is my most valuable commodity and will not be wasted on people who don't appreciate it. Now hand me my to do list and don't stand still for too long!
Keep an eye on the "free rock" out front because you might just find something juicy. Let me know if you've had your eye on anything. I will be selling, donating, giving, tossing and purging. Life needs to be simple. Time should be spent with my growing children... not on moving things from one pile to the next. Time should be spent with the man who might forget who I am sooner than I'd like to think...not on dusting things I don't care about. Time should be spent digging myself out of the rubble...not out of the piles of clothing nobody wears. It's time to find the perfect space to free up the time to frolic. Time is my most valuable commodity and will not be wasted on people who don't appreciate it. Now hand me my to do list and don't stand still for too long!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Wash Away (Joe Purdy)
Another day watching the torrential rains. Flooding. Whirling creeks. Raging waterfalls. Puddles. Everywhere. There is a delicate little place near here with beautiful rocks and a sweet little trickling of water. It was a force today. Loud like thunder and rage. Gorgeous. Powerful. I got my feet wet and walked through the soggy grass to the little stone bridge. I made my way over it and stood there watching it all...taking it in. It is usually serene and calm. The grass was replaced with swirls and ripples. The trunks of trees were devoured. Big rain. Big rush. Big forces. I touched the water, smelled it...marveled at it all. I started to sense the symbolism that I have been missing. I'm sorry to say I think all of this rain is my fault.
I told my friend about it and suspecting my use of the event as my "new thing" of the day she requested I give it some more thought. I replied that I was frolicking in a new waterfall. She said that I should be frolicking everywhere.
She's right.
Just this morning I was reading a post from another friend (I'm pretty lucky to have such special people in my life). She was saying that we don't get lost...we simply get buried. I was pondering this all day. It's really quite true. We bury in defense and fear and the million other things that swallow us whole. I am a girl who frolics...I just forgot how.
Without sounding all Big Love on y'all I'd like to say that this afternoon as I listened to the pounding water, felt the misty air around me, smelled earth and water, and felt the cold water and the power of it all...something happened. Today is the last year of this age. Tomorrow it starts over. My friend added something to the series of encouraging texts she is beloved and known for..."It's a new year, new age, new you, new attitude, new life. You are a superstar. Share it with the world!". Now, maybe just maybe, she was being a little bit funny in this but as I stood there with soggy toes I realized she was right. I have found my theme. I have found my new mission. I might still crumble from time to time. I might still need to find a new thing of the day to get me through to January. But my goal to restore order and continue to dig through the rubble and layers to find me again is a big one. At the end of it all I will be free to frolic any old place I want. Thank you to the rain, the blog posts, the universe and all of the people that have blessed me with love, patience and friendship.
I told my friend about it and suspecting my use of the event as my "new thing" of the day she requested I give it some more thought. I replied that I was frolicking in a new waterfall. She said that I should be frolicking everywhere.
She's right.
Just this morning I was reading a post from another friend (I'm pretty lucky to have such special people in my life). She was saying that we don't get lost...we simply get buried. I was pondering this all day. It's really quite true. We bury in defense and fear and the million other things that swallow us whole. I am a girl who frolics...I just forgot how.
Without sounding all Big Love on y'all I'd like to say that this afternoon as I listened to the pounding water, felt the misty air around me, smelled earth and water, and felt the cold water and the power of it all...something happened. Today is the last year of this age. Tomorrow it starts over. My friend added something to the series of encouraging texts she is beloved and known for..."It's a new year, new age, new you, new attitude, new life. You are a superstar. Share it with the world!". Now, maybe just maybe, she was being a little bit funny in this but as I stood there with soggy toes I realized she was right. I have found my theme. I have found my new mission. I might still crumble from time to time. I might still need to find a new thing of the day to get me through to January. But my goal to restore order and continue to dig through the rubble and layers to find me again is a big one. At the end of it all I will be free to frolic any old place I want. Thank you to the rain, the blog posts, the universe and all of the people that have blessed me with love, patience and friendship.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Mom's Message to a Birthday Girl (We've Only Just Begun · The Carpenters)
I am days from my next birthday and the quiet contemplation and constant retrospection has begun. What's next? I realized today that there are so many of us in this position lately...what now? We should all be settled in by now, shouldn't we? In my immediate circle there are people looking at the future...new babies, new jobs, new careers, new classes, scary relationships, failed marriages, new roads.
I turned to a song from my childhood. My parents were older when they met and this was their constant inspiration. As messes from their past got in the way of their tomorrows they held on to the today that got them through it all. The message was simple and sweet. A mantra for sweethearts that had many challenges. As I can hear my Mom singing along I am seeing their burdens and trials so much clearer now. Aging parents, new families blending with old families, baggage, sickness, traveling, financial burdens...you name it...they lived it. My Mom had already lived five lifetimes in her 37 or so years and my Dad a decade older had seen his share of life as well. Yet there they were just starting on a journey that would take them on one wild ride.
I got to go on that wild ride. This year I will experience the first birthday without my mother by my side. It's funny but I always thought as an adult I would find some sort of peace in that...honestly it's in the moments that I miss my Mom the most that I feel the youngest. Sometimes just wanting to scream that I want my Mommy. She won't be here to fight for the piece of traditional Carvel cake with the most crunchies. She won't be here to laugh at our horrible singing. She won't be here at all.
If she were here she would tell me not to sweat the small stuff. She would remind me that it all goes very quickly. She would tell me to live big because I won't see these people ever again. She would tell me to take a day every here and there to snuggle and watch cooking shows. She must've whispered that to me this morning as I snuggled with my babies and did exactly that. She would say..."Get out there!"...whether that be a dance floor or a new adventure. She passed on many good traits to me...some through lessons, some through guidance...others through mistakes. She would encourage me to do some big new things and she wouldn't stop at me. She might tell a few of you some other things: To the lady having a baby almost a decade after her first...don't be scared...those second round babies come out pretty good. To the woman who just found the love of her heart...enjoy it because it makes up for all those years of struggle. To the lost souls and stray dogs...find yourself already...life is too short. To the couples who are just starting out and starting over...it's hell but it's worth it. Never stop learning. Never stop serving mankind. Never stop reaching.
Lots of things are on the horizon for a girl and a birthday and the scent of white musk just told me that she might just be here after all to watch the candles go out.
I turned to a song from my childhood. My parents were older when they met and this was their constant inspiration. As messes from their past got in the way of their tomorrows they held on to the today that got them through it all. The message was simple and sweet. A mantra for sweethearts that had many challenges. As I can hear my Mom singing along I am seeing their burdens and trials so much clearer now. Aging parents, new families blending with old families, baggage, sickness, traveling, financial burdens...you name it...they lived it. My Mom had already lived five lifetimes in her 37 or so years and my Dad a decade older had seen his share of life as well. Yet there they were just starting on a journey that would take them on one wild ride.
I got to go on that wild ride. This year I will experience the first birthday without my mother by my side. It's funny but I always thought as an adult I would find some sort of peace in that...honestly it's in the moments that I miss my Mom the most that I feel the youngest. Sometimes just wanting to scream that I want my Mommy. She won't be here to fight for the piece of traditional Carvel cake with the most crunchies. She won't be here to laugh at our horrible singing. She won't be here at all.
If she were here she would tell me not to sweat the small stuff. She would remind me that it all goes very quickly. She would tell me to live big because I won't see these people ever again. She would tell me to take a day every here and there to snuggle and watch cooking shows. She must've whispered that to me this morning as I snuggled with my babies and did exactly that. She would say..."Get out there!"...whether that be a dance floor or a new adventure. She passed on many good traits to me...some through lessons, some through guidance...others through mistakes. She would encourage me to do some big new things and she wouldn't stop at me. She might tell a few of you some other things: To the lady having a baby almost a decade after her first...don't be scared...those second round babies come out pretty good. To the woman who just found the love of her heart...enjoy it because it makes up for all those years of struggle. To the lost souls and stray dogs...find yourself already...life is too short. To the couples who are just starting out and starting over...it's hell but it's worth it. Never stop learning. Never stop serving mankind. Never stop reaching.
Lots of things are on the horizon for a girl and a birthday and the scent of white musk just told me that she might just be here after all to watch the candles go out.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
New Days Ahead (Always on Your Side · Cheryl Crow)
In the morning I dial up the music of the day...the mood...the moment. Sometimes it becomes the soundtrack for the day. I find the right group, theme or vibe that is needed for the day. Well, the electrical outlet is suddenly acting a bit odd and my ipod battery is not behaving either. I was forced to dig out the old crusty shower radio and the basket of neglected cds in the closet to have music playing while I was getting ready for my little guy's first day of kindergarten. I knew I would need distractions. I haven't heard these songs in a long time and as the kids came in to prep for the first big day of the school year...this song came on.
Years ago I liked the song for the melody and part of the message but I had no idea how pertinent the lyrics would be a few years later. Lots of changes in our lives have brought us to a whole new place in our lives.
I reflect on my life while driving to work in the morning. I look at the mountains and am reminded of how tiny we are. I look at the valleys and realize that the lows only help us to appreciate the peaks. I watch the sky and know that in an instant a cloud, a storm can change everything. I also watch the fields. I noticed in the beginning of the summer that the corn plants were tiny and in perfect little rows. I have been watching them grow all season....each day bringing a tiny sadness with the realization that summer will be over before I even began to get used to the ease of it all. In a blink they are tall crops ready to be harvested.
This brings me back to today. For almost ten years I have watched my little seeds sprout and grow and get taller and stronger. There was always one by my side...a little hand to keep mine company. They have made me laugh when life was more than challenging. They have inspired me to be a better person. I have cultivated good humans that are literally getting bigger from season to season. I have the pencil marks to prove it. I sang with my babies as they brushed their teeth and smiled back at me in the mirror. As I sang I realized the song was a soundtrack of my life for the last few years. For many. For all. We have grown. We have changed. We have gone. We have come together. As I look forward to this next season as well as the next year of my life I am planting a new crop of seeds for the new beginnings and changes that life brings us. I will say goodbye to my tiny babies and hello to the wonderful children that they are...embracing all of it. I will also remember that I have spent ten years feeding my tiny caterpillars and now they are gorgeous butterflies...that lyric hit me the hardest.
"How to pull it close and make it stay...butterflies are free to fly and so they fly away..."
The butterfly I am becoming understands the nature of it all. I will celebrate the changes and retain the beautiful memories but I will never punish the transition. With new butterflies come new adventures and I am excited for them all!
Years ago I liked the song for the melody and part of the message but I had no idea how pertinent the lyrics would be a few years later. Lots of changes in our lives have brought us to a whole new place in our lives.
I reflect on my life while driving to work in the morning. I look at the mountains and am reminded of how tiny we are. I look at the valleys and realize that the lows only help us to appreciate the peaks. I watch the sky and know that in an instant a cloud, a storm can change everything. I also watch the fields. I noticed in the beginning of the summer that the corn plants were tiny and in perfect little rows. I have been watching them grow all season....each day bringing a tiny sadness with the realization that summer will be over before I even began to get used to the ease of it all. In a blink they are tall crops ready to be harvested.
This brings me back to today. For almost ten years I have watched my little seeds sprout and grow and get taller and stronger. There was always one by my side...a little hand to keep mine company. They have made me laugh when life was more than challenging. They have inspired me to be a better person. I have cultivated good humans that are literally getting bigger from season to season. I have the pencil marks to prove it. I sang with my babies as they brushed their teeth and smiled back at me in the mirror. As I sang I realized the song was a soundtrack of my life for the last few years. For many. For all. We have grown. We have changed. We have gone. We have come together. As I look forward to this next season as well as the next year of my life I am planting a new crop of seeds for the new beginnings and changes that life brings us. I will say goodbye to my tiny babies and hello to the wonderful children that they are...embracing all of it. I will also remember that I have spent ten years feeding my tiny caterpillars and now they are gorgeous butterflies...that lyric hit me the hardest.
"How to pull it close and make it stay...butterflies are free to fly and so they fly away..."
The butterfly I am becoming understands the nature of it all. I will celebrate the changes and retain the beautiful memories but I will never punish the transition. With new butterflies come new adventures and I am excited for them all!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Don't Think Twice It's Alright · Bob Dylan
I can play things a million times over and over in my head. I can wonder if this would have led to that and if that could have meant this...but I'll never truly know. There are countless decisions that not only altered that one moment but all of the ones following. If. If only. What if? Maybe I should have...it keeps going and going. The truth is none of that matters right now. Now we get the road in front of us. Now we get to choose. We get to take all we have done and move forward to a better and bigger person.
I can analyze why laundry that my mother did back in the 70's took her life in such a sudden and horrible way all of these years later. I can look back at the last two years of anguish as a couple tried to figure out why they had failed a marriage. I can be heartbroken that a man who was my hero since birth is letting me down so much these days. I have been awake nights trying to figure out the relationships of family and friends and why some are so wonderful and others are so cruel. But in that constant analyzing comes constant pain and frustration. And after hours of pondering...I come to the same place. A place where I will never really have the answers to these questions. So why does all of this time get spent trying? Does it put me in the classroom I have been teaching in since the 90's? The one that is decorated with color coded words of encouragement placed in between Teacher of the Year awards? Does it change the fact that I worked hard on a house and decorated it just so...but someone else is living in right now? Does it bring back the babies that were lost? Does it change the job I dedicated myself to for so many years that was lost? Nope. It doesn't.
If I sit and think about the choices and regrets along the way...I would go out of my mind. Especially since I sacrificed and took many of the right roads while others were selfish and took the wrong roads.
So it leaves me here in a place where I accept all that has happened has made me who I am. That the horrible price to pay for one thing might have actually been better than the even more horrible thing that might have happened. That someday the outcome will outweigh the fight. The loop has to stop. The regrets need to be changed to simple decisions. The lessons have been learned.
Eight months in and a looming birthday ahead and I do feel truly different in so many ways. I have enjoyed the process in between tantrums and tears that accompany it. I continue to push and pull where needed...fighting not only myself but those around me that have to feel the change as well. I hope I am making better decisions based on loads of experience instead of merely on unicorns and daydreams. And somewhere in all of it I have to forgive myself and others for where we are today...because the outcome is here whether I like it or not. Now it is up to the choices I make moving forward and the respect that I have for the journey.
I can analyze why laundry that my mother did back in the 70's took her life in such a sudden and horrible way all of these years later. I can look back at the last two years of anguish as a couple tried to figure out why they had failed a marriage. I can be heartbroken that a man who was my hero since birth is letting me down so much these days. I have been awake nights trying to figure out the relationships of family and friends and why some are so wonderful and others are so cruel. But in that constant analyzing comes constant pain and frustration. And after hours of pondering...I come to the same place. A place where I will never really have the answers to these questions. So why does all of this time get spent trying? Does it put me in the classroom I have been teaching in since the 90's? The one that is decorated with color coded words of encouragement placed in between Teacher of the Year awards? Does it change the fact that I worked hard on a house and decorated it just so...but someone else is living in right now? Does it bring back the babies that were lost? Does it change the job I dedicated myself to for so many years that was lost? Nope. It doesn't.
If I sit and think about the choices and regrets along the way...I would go out of my mind. Especially since I sacrificed and took many of the right roads while others were selfish and took the wrong roads.
So it leaves me here in a place where I accept all that has happened has made me who I am. That the horrible price to pay for one thing might have actually been better than the even more horrible thing that might have happened. That someday the outcome will outweigh the fight. The loop has to stop. The regrets need to be changed to simple decisions. The lessons have been learned.
Eight months in and a looming birthday ahead and I do feel truly different in so many ways. I have enjoyed the process in between tantrums and tears that accompany it. I continue to push and pull where needed...fighting not only myself but those around me that have to feel the change as well. I hope I am making better decisions based on loads of experience instead of merely on unicorns and daydreams. And somewhere in all of it I have to forgive myself and others for where we are today...because the outcome is here whether I like it or not. Now it is up to the choices I make moving forward and the respect that I have for the journey.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Gearing Up (Pumped Up Kicks · Foster the People)
It's easy to be the optimist...to me anyway. I understand it isn't the way of life of many. For me it's normal and effortless. I really do see the good in the situation. I cling to the hopeful. But it makes for a tough time when I have to do things that are hard for a sunshine and butterfly kinda girl. It's hard for me to hold you accountable. It's tricky for me to have a system that doesn't work. I don't mind failing myself but I do mind failing others. I look for the angle I can take to get you to be the bigger person...the more efficient...better. I feel we are here to inspire one another to be the thing we can be.
The next few weeks I will have to be tough. I will be making people uncomfortable. I will be the bad guy. There will be limits and restraints and rules and people don't like that. I have given you far too many chances and you have lied or been lazy far too many times.
I try to teach my kids to do what they would do no matter what. Drive like the cops are behind you. Treat others as if some higher power is watching. Behave as though your Mom is right there. Live well and do good and be who you are regardless of your surroundings. Easier said than done for some. I'm pretty proud of them so far. They make good decisions. They say things like, "We're not supposed to have that". Sometimes I'm one of the few teaching the good lessons.
It means I will have to push to be stronger. Tougher. Firm. It means enforcing bedtimes. Holding onto ATM cards. Dumping a ton of old stuff. Offering less options. Making people do their part. It means no more enabling. No more crutches. I am usually pretty "tough love" when it comes down to it but I know I need to do even more. I am gearing up. I am working out. I am ready to do what needs to be done. With the new season will come more than just a change in the weather...
The next few weeks I will have to be tough. I will be making people uncomfortable. I will be the bad guy. There will be limits and restraints and rules and people don't like that. I have given you far too many chances and you have lied or been lazy far too many times.
I try to teach my kids to do what they would do no matter what. Drive like the cops are behind you. Treat others as if some higher power is watching. Behave as though your Mom is right there. Live well and do good and be who you are regardless of your surroundings. Easier said than done for some. I'm pretty proud of them so far. They make good decisions. They say things like, "We're not supposed to have that". Sometimes I'm one of the few teaching the good lessons.
It means I will have to push to be stronger. Tougher. Firm. It means enforcing bedtimes. Holding onto ATM cards. Dumping a ton of old stuff. Offering less options. Making people do their part. It means no more enabling. No more crutches. I am usually pretty "tough love" when it comes down to it but I know I need to do even more. I am gearing up. I am working out. I am ready to do what needs to be done. With the new season will come more than just a change in the weather...
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