Handing in my Pom Poms (Cheerleader · St. Vincent)

     I am almost 40 and these last (gulp) few months (4 of them) need to be the real deal.  Oh man, in my head I had way more time....guess counting the months was a good (crappy) thing.  I need to get down to business.  As I see it the first 40 years were dedicated to others.  I was a good little girl.  I was a model (dorky) student.  I performed as a cheerleader, track runner, volleyball player and lifeguard to the best of my abilities.  I put up with lots of girls and the crap that comes with them.  Boys....ugh...let's just say I've had my fill on that one as well.  I worked my ass off at every job I've ever had. Waitress, manager, teacher, seller of pizza to name a few.  The money was never the benefit...the proud boss was my payment.  Have you sensed a pattern.  I'm not really sure what, how, when and why it was ever for me. 
      And this was BEFORE motherhood.  Before being the grown child to two adult parents who needed help.  Before realizing that sometimes the people that you pick to grow old with have trouble growing up at all.  Then there are the people coming on 40 themselves....analyzing their lives and disappointed as if they just realized the movie they watched wasn't so good and they want their money back.  We are all tired.  More broke than ever.  More frustrated at the state of politics, finances, world news and current events than we ever have been up to this point and with good reason.  But I have been scrambling to get out from underneath the rubble for a few years now and I'm tired of it.  Not weary anymore...but tired.  Tired enough to stop doing it. 
     The next 40 plus years are going to be about being a cheerleader for the people who really matter...and I will be on that list...closer to the top.  I will inspire with excitement and celebrate with vigor but I am done trying to fix what ails you.  All of you.  Constantly.  I might lapse into the old role for a bit here and there and by no means am saying that I won't be a loyal and loving parent and friend but it will be different.  Because at the end of the first 40 years I don't really have much to show for all of the work now do I? 
      Here's to the next 4 months...leading to the next 40 years.  I'm handing in my pom poms. 

Little Talks · Of Monsters and Men

     "When it feels like everything is falling apart...

                                    that is when God is putting all of the right pieces together."

     This quote was someone's status update on Facebook the other day and it struck a chord in me.  I have some people that post endless motivational blurbs.  Sometimes they help more than that person every knows.   I still watch my Oprah Lifeclass.  I stay in touch with dear relatives as well as brand new friends that seem to push me to be who I need to.  My mind, my heart, my soul all wide open for the little words of little talks that help me to keep the faith....grow....see my new purposes.  I also find chances to speak to my children about what is important.  I scream at my Dad to find a reason to keep going when he misses my Mother.  I yell at the boys who need to grow up.  Little talks are sometimes loud.  I am also losing the shyness that used to inhibit me from speaking to people I care about and respect. 
     Then there is me.  Each day. Every day.  Relentlessly....I have little talks with myself.  Sometimes I have to process the long sleep of nightmares.  Other times I find myself in the middle of an emotional or mental exercise and I push my mind and spirit to lift the next higher "weight".  On long drives I pull myself out of the dark waiting for me and find the millions of reasons to be lighter.  I sometimes wonder what I used to do with all of this time when minds were fairly quiet and communication was at a whisper.  I then realize it was when the numbness had won out over the words.  When boredom had beaten out the bravery.  When old and repetitive was easier than the challenge of the new. 
     Now there are mantras.  Pep talks.  Quotes of inspiration.  Discussions with people who matter.  New stories are forming.  New horizons are showing me new views.   Some day the little talks will be replaced with new activities, exciting adventures and moments of glory but until then I will keep on chatting with myself until I remember...until it is second nature...until the good is all I can hear. 

If I Were a Boy (Beyonce)

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy