A Day of Thanks

clay · excellent parent teacher conferences · blogs · loose mango tea · new babies · buddies who poke · photographs · new friends at work · strength · poolside reading · lost pounds · new sneaks · courage · found sister · time to say goodbye · amazing women of inspiration · 327 new things · the ability to purge · impromptu sleepovers of fun · my piano player · my dancing monkey · my brown pooch · new thinking · smiles · two point granola thins · my Dad · favorite pj's · farm fresh veggies · a size smaller jeans · cackles of laughter · my new green fleece · Mr Harvey · movies · small town movie theaters · music · plastic bins of protection · egg white flatbread sammies · moms who understand · new towns · baked brie · love of a city rekindled · bffs · a little boy reading his first words · tears from giggle fits · crepes · scymih cupcakes · Jimmy Fallon · Wicked · gummy candies · erasers of food · recipes · flowers · Toots · mild Novembers · car rides · the Muppets · feeling like a kid again · ethan's pockets · carvel cake · the track · Main Street · raging rivers and waterfalls · solar lights at campsites · Gramary · family · kale chips · porch swings · breathtaking rainbows · hugs · forgiveness · mantras · The Big Bang Theory · cheeseburger pizza ·  and you ·

Everybody's Changing (Keane)

     To say a shift has occurred is an understatement.   Acquaintances have become dear friends.  Dear friends have become ghosts.  Family has shifted.  Enemies have surfaced.  I might have made a suggestion to the universe to give it to me in smaller doses because this has been one gigantic order...but the universe doesn't work that way. 
     When I was a kid at the beach I had this awesome yellow plastic sieve type thing.  I would scoop up the sandy water and then like a miner from the old west...I would shake it.  Sparkling stones and treasured shells might remain in the tray but the sand and junk would fall through.  That is sort of how I have to approach it all now.  In the big shakes...which ones are still there around you?  Sparkling.  Shiny.  Which ones have abandoned you.  Which ones have shifted off to the next wave. 
     They say that when you lose one angel you get a new one.  My angels have come in many forms...but I know who they are.  They are the ones who inspire and support me.  The ones who make me laugh.  Who poke.  Who send words of kindness on days that are hard.  The ones who feed me.  The ones who make me feel welcome.  The ones who have made this shift a little bit softer around the edges. 
     For a girl who isn't so fond of change...I'm hoping to just feel comfortable...at some point.  I really hope it happens soon.  I have worked my ass off to make things good between us and if you aren't accepting...I need to accept that.  Another shift.  Another change.

Break Your Heart (BNL)

 All those times you were singing it TO me and I didn't even realize....


The bravest thing I've ever done
Was to run away and hide
But not this time, not this time
And the weakest thing I've ever done
Was to stay right by your side
Just like this time, and every time
I couldn't tell you I was happy when you were gone
So I lied and said that I missed you when we were apart
I couldn't tell you, so I had to lead you on
But I didn't mean to break your heart

And if I always seem distracted
Like my minds somewhere else
That's because it's true, yes it's true
it's this stupid pride that makes me feel
Like I have to follow through
Even half-assedly, loving you
Why must I always speak in terms of cowardice?
When I guess I should have just come out and told you right from the start
Why must I always tell you all I want is this?
I guess 'cause I didn't want to break your heart

And you said
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Curl up and die just because of you?
I'm not that weak, you know
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Try to make you love me as much as I love you?
How could you be so low?
You arrogant man,
What do you think that I am?
My heart will be fine
Just stop wasting my time

And now I'm over you, I'll be OK,
and that I've got what I want,
and that's rid of you
Bye
And it's not 'cause I'll be missing you
That makes me fall apart
It's just that I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break
Your heart

Changes... (Heretics · Andrew Bird)

    If someone had told me years ago that in a few years I would feel completely different about so many things...I would NEVER have believed them.   First off, the changes to my life would be unbelievable.  But that's life, right?  But me?  ME, this different?  Nahhhhhh.  Turns out that what I thought was a shift a few years ago is now a downright going out of business sale.  All things must go!!! All sales final!!!  Things needed to change with me.  The mirror isn't always pretty and the work is harder than labor for 34 hours plus every sickness I've ever had and every job, death and challenge combined.  COMBINED.  I understand why it is hard to believe that changes can be big.  I, too, used to find it hard to believe anything other than what was in my closed off little brain.  I get it now though.  It's so different.  It's so big.  Each day is exercise to these new muscles.  But as I push my body, brain, spirit, and soul to find it's true essence...please know that the work is paying off.  You don't have to believe it just yet...I know... and right now that's all I can do...just be alright with myself.  I'll get to the rest of you eventually...c'mon now...I'm still ME for goodness sakes.  But as you wouldn't trip a runner going by maybe you could try a little kindness.  This work is harder than you think. 

Paradise · Coldplay

"Paradise"

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep
Dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Every time she closed her eyes
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth

Life goes on
It gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear, a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night
She closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night
Away she flied

And dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh

She dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

La la la La
La la la

So lying underneath those stormy skies.
She said oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
I know the sun must set to rise.

This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
This could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

Running to Stand Still · U2

    You know those guys who use their teeth to pull the trucks?  I feel like that is me.  I've done it my whole life....with one person or another.   I have just recently learned that "potential" does not exist and that hanging on to it is very damaging.  It is not a reason to be anywhere.  The real place, house, job, mate, friend is ALREADY the things you need.  Together you can flourish maybe...but you don't have to stand there begging.  You don't have to wait for them to open like a flower and become what you are looking for.  Sure, you can accept certain things...faults...because we all have them...but the true nature of the thing or the person is always right there in your face. 
     I run...pulling you along behind me....hoping that you will be as excited with you as I am.  I see the possibilities.  I analyze the business.  I find the hope.  I push myself.  I push for others.  I begin to expect it back.  I've been battling with myself about this very thing.  Should I expect anything?  I read a quote the other day that has lingered in my brain.  It finally made sense of it. 

"Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."

    I can't read it enough.  I am growing everyday.  I am working to be better on a daily basis.  I am finding that the world needs my energy for many things...and drama is not one of them.  And I am finished with helping those who do not want to grow and learn and love with me.  You might get in your own way...but you will no longer get in mine.