The Day Brings · Brad

     Mornings are tricky.  For the most part I wake up quite happy having lived movie scenes in my dreams that were larger than life.  I don't let the weather effect me much.  Curls like rain and we have different clothes for a reason.  A song can get me going.  I have never backed down from a good challenge.  I am an optimist....I will find that silver lining.  Even if it kills me.  But sometimes the song comes to a halt by a giant scratch noise across the vinyl...real life isn't always butterflies and rainbows.
     As the morning opens in front of us...so do the realizations of real life.  Now we have to decide what to do with this day.  We have to decide who needs us most.  What we need to get done.  What is important and what can wait.  We have appointments and jobs and a task lists.  We also have decisions...hundreds of them to be made before our head hits the pillow and we start all over again.
     I have been training my brain with new thought patterns.  New mantras.  New pleasures.  Or maybe...I am just finding my old ones again.  Either way...this song still makes me happy.  I first heard it back in my early twenties.  I was newly married and newly relocated.  I was driving back and forth to a retail job and finding my path in a new life.  As I questioned what was behind me and where I was going I let this song bring me back to the moment in which I was living.  All of these years later it still has the power to do it.  This morning I was feeling the fog slip into my brain.  I was feeling the sadness that eluded me yesterday.  I faced the other morning battles as well.  But I made the choice.  I stopped the loop.  I've paved new pathways in this brain and each and every time I use them I destroy the rotten old roads of the past.  I find my way back.
     Just remember...we always have the choice.


Hold up your end
And I'll hold up mine
Dancin' all the time
Dancin' all the time
And too late father
You know that that's for sure
You never find a way
Never find a way

So gather around
And see what the day brings
And see what makes you laugh
And see what makes you sing
And never, nevermind
The thing that people say
You'll never go away
You'll never go away


Who knows where the storm will take us
Who knows when the pain will break us
When will all the G's be given
Another chance to live in freedom
Hey now
Get your heart, get your heart
Off of the shelf
Make the grey sky blue
Yeah, I'm talkin to you
And nevermind
The sick and the afraid
Askin' out today to see a brighter day

So gather around
And see what the day brings
And see what makes you laugh
And see what makes you sing
And never, nevermind
The thing that people say
You'll never go away
You'll never go away

Who knows where the storm will take us
Who knows when the pain will break us
When will all the G's be given
Another chance to live in freedom

So gather around
And see what the day brings
And see what makes you laugh
And see what makes you sing
And never, nevermind
The thing that people say
You'll never go away
You'll never go away

   

Don't You Remember? ·Adele

     A card came in the mail today for my 85 year old father.  It was a sweet message from a family member with pictures of beautiful young children.  As I looked at the photographs with him I found myself saying the words I seem to be saying quite often these days..."Don't you remember?".  I patiently tried to explain who everyone was but there is a frustration that comes with this job.  While I tenderly try to jog his memory parts of me want to scream at him for forgetting such vital information.  It is a constant job of planning, worrying, explaining and clarifying.  The basic things are lost.  The common are forgotten.  The scary part comes when I realize that I will be one of those forgotten as well.
     Memories are bittersweet these days.  I wake in the morning from dreams of a lost mother.  So much was left to do.  My father's memory of our life slips in and out like the tide.  My children seem to grow at such a pace lately that to remember them tiny almost seems too painful.  There are also the crushing memories of a couple who spent half of their lives together.  I even feel sadness for the me that was lost along the way and fear of not being able to find her.  My first thought of the memory of any of these things bring a smile...only to be replaced in the next moment with the heartache that goes in the acceptance of the losses. 
     I have been living the past few years in the moment.  I have been forced to think again about the future.  But tugging at my every thought...is the past...and it has one hell of a grip on the rope.  Last weekend I found myself out for a few hours at the local pub.  It was Homecoming for my college.  It's been about 17 years or so since graduation.  Just enough time to make you feel nostalgic for a simpler time long gone.  I had a few moments of "Don't you remember?" as I bumped into a familiar face here and there.  Tug.  Tug.  Tug.  I also celebrated a tenth birthday with a little girl I have watched grow up.  Pull.  Tug. Pull.  I then chatted with a cousin and did more of the "remember when" that seems to happen when old buddies or family members reminisce.
     How do we live today and move on to new tomorrows with the "Remember the times..." that seem to happen so often?  The feeling of the remembrance has a second wave that accompanies it...one that just wants to go back.  Unfortunately, the rope only pulls hard enough to torment us and not hard enough to bring us back in time.  Somehow we must just keep going.

The leaves of memory seemed to make
A mournful rustling in the dark.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow (Annie)

     ....so there I was feeling kind of low and sorry for myself today.  Tears were abundant.  The kind you can't seem to stop.  (And NO I am not in pms mode before you start wondering.)  I knew I needed to get out and feel the crisp fall air.  I also knew that certain things or places or events would make my mood so much worse so I navigated quite carefully.  Main Street has lots of places coming and going every single time you drive by.  I thought it would be nice to walk.  Simple.  I stopped the tears long enough to get out of the car and walk into the antique place.  It's new to me...always a lovely way to help me remember there are so many things out in the world yet to discover.  Gorgeous furniture, dazzling jewels and period pieces from days gone by filled my senses long enough to get me through a few minutes.  Then I was reminded of the days I often walked antique shops with people I no longer get to spend time with...the tears started to well up again.  I stood there hiding behind a large piece of furniture as the player piano started a new song...this one.  Immediately upon realization of the tune...I smiled.  I then began giggling at the sight it must've been.  One of those moments you see in the quirky girl sitcom.  I imagined walking over to the piano with my jazzy dress  and long white gloves and belting out the tune.  Think Ally McBeal meets Gilmore Girls.  My best buddy and constant source of lightness and laughter had been texting me.  I immediately had to report how incredibly hysterical and ironic this moment was...she reminded me about my theories of the universe.  When we don't listen to the whispers we get the screams.  This time I got an upright player piano.  Man, the universe is crafty!
    

Codes and Keys (Death Cab for Cutie)

     We live by rules.  Codes.  Honor systems.  We stretch them at times when we feel it is justified.  We push boundaries.  We break things.  We drive too fast when there are no cops around and like model citizens should an officer be sitting at the opposite light.  We act one way in front of others and a very different way when there are no witnesses.  We forget.  We bend.  We push.  We alter.  We lie. We subjugate.  We control.  But why?  People are scared and fearful of losing control.  It is in the very squeezing to keep it that we suffocate the truth. 
     The tricky part is figuring out why we bend when we feel we have to.  Is it out of hurt? Is it because we are lazy?  Maybe we were raised without the ethics and code systems of others.  A word that crushes one person is ignored by another.  There is no master set of rules.  Not even in religion.  Not even the list of things we should've learned in kindergarten fixes it all.  Those rules are up to you.  Does a mother steal the loaf of bread to feed the starving child?  Does the husband get to murder the man who killed his wife?  Do you break the "no visitors after 8pm" rule when someone is breathing their last breaths?  If these answers were simple we wouldn't have jails, courts, lawyers and a bazillion systems of codes and rules and laws....plus the complications of things like temporary insanity.
    We have to find a code we are safe with...safe from.  It's all relative.  We can probably all justify anything if we really wanted to.  Find good cause for bad decisions for one reason or another.  I think the challenge is finding a code for what we believe in...what we will stand for...what we will allow to happen to us.  If we are solid in ourselves than our rules become bright and bold.  It's in the falling down we find the breaking down.  When our backs are against the wall we can no longer read the sign that is hanging behind us....and without the words we forget all of the details.  Make sure the rules are simple.  Make sure you can see the sign. Make sure you know the punishments for the crimes.  It is only then that we can make the decision to follow the rule or challenge it.  It's in the clarity that we find the strength to uphold the laws.  It's in the vague that we falter.

Say Goodbye to the Anger (Ghost · Indigo Girls)

     "You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people.  But until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed.  You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will ooze through and stain your life.  You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them." Iyanla Vanzant

     I watched perhaps the most powerful hour of anything I have ever watched.  It was about anger...the definition, the hold it has over us and the ways we can disperse it.  Of course there was talk about the child that is injured initially and how we are held captive by that child.  There was also talk about the energy it takes to hold the anger.  What I guess I DID learn was that anger was a cover for fear and hurt which was on top of the love that was under it all.  Does this mean that the more angry someone is the more hurt and scared they are?  I never really thought of it that way...not fully anyway.  I know some pretty angry people and this might've made me a little bit more sensitive.  To know better is to do better though, right?
     First we have to accept the pain and anger and deal with it.  In that we make the choice to let it go or hang on dearly with both hands until it kills us.  Eats us up.  Anger comes from the fear of rejection, the fear of loss and the fear of control.  It is all making so much more sense now.  We have to see that the thing we seem angry at NOW is actually from a wound so, so, so long ago.  It will keep surfacing until we finally put it to rest.  Lessons will keep coming until we get it...fully. 
      A man was asking about anger and he realized that he used it as a safety net for his own failure.  Iyanla told him that he didn't do anything wrong (as a child) that caused people to demonstrate poor behavior.  He didn't do anything wrong.  Sometimes people just do the best that they can at the time.  She went on to say that "the best students get the hardest tests and when God has something for you to do he will test you to make sure you are ready...so don't punk out."   When people choose to stay angry instead of healing and moving on it's an excuse to stay out of their brilliance...out of their power...out of their purpose in the world.
     Going back to the quote that starts this post...there is a talk of the stain of life.  When you have a stain on your clothes it keeps pulling you back to look at it.  It is there pulling at you.  It's like this in life.  We need to find the stains or they keep finding us.  Find them...and clean them...for you, for your loved ones and for the life you could be living.
 

Looking Back at Me (If I Had Eyes · Jack Johnson)

     Light bulbs.  Aha moments.  Sixth Sense montages.  Call it what you want...I have them all of the time now.  They haunt my dreams.  They smack me in the face here...gently poke at me there.  As they happen so does the growth, the clarity and the realizations that go with them.  They help me to move forward.
     The process might not always be that easy.  Some days as I figure out an old riddle I want a chance at the new approach.  But life doesn't work that way.   What I can do though is use the new skills with my tomorrows.
     I've been angry at myself for not seeing so many things that were right in front of my face.  But I am learning to forgive that naive and trusting girl who tends to see the best in people even when they are not necessarily exhibiting the most honest qualities.  For a little bit I was thinking that I needed to wise up....be tough...get hard.  But c'mon now...this is me.  I want to see the silver lining in the darkest of clouds.  I don't need to become jaded and cynical...just more selective maybe.
     I've been even more angry at myself for many other reasons.  Somewhere along the line I switched up my priorities.  I forgot that doing for others makes us feel good.  I forgot to take care of the people who needed it.  I got lost in the shuffle of life...jobs...motherhood...money...to do lists.  I was trying to change the world instead of changing the attitude I had toward the world.  That might be the biggest lesson learned thus far.  Acceptance of others for who and what they are....sure does make it all make sense.  I don't stand in line at the amusement park to design the hills and g forces on the roller coaster...I just get on to enjoy the wild ride for what it is.
     I look back at so much now.  When the breakdown began.  When the girl lost her voice.  Her spirit.  When she got bogged down by garbage and lost her sparkle.  I try to see through to a time when she played in the sunshine...whether the sun was out or not.  I am trying to be more like her.  Fearless.  Brave.  Strong and sure.  She loved big...even when it broke her heart.  She took risks.  She climbed rocks and dangled on ropes.  She laughed.  Laughed loud and often.  I figure when I get out of this mess I will have the perfect combination of the life force she had combined with the wisdom of the years that followed.  She will only get better.  I just have to keep her in my line of vision as a reminder for both the good and the bad that needs to be let go of or held on to. 

Unwritten (Natasha Bedingfield)

    I was in an elementary school today.  I realized more than ever that it is one of the few places that makes me glow from somewhere deep within.  It did back when I was a child.  Now, it does it for a different reason.  The hope.  The promise.  The new of it all.  These little smiling faces have a whole world waiting for them.  They still giggle at the simple things.  They still look at things with wide and beautiful eyes.  I became excited with them.  WITH them.  But then again....I usually do.  It was a nice feeling.  I forgot how much I missed it.  Sure I cherish the moment each and every day with my own two little ones...but when the whole building is brewing that emotion like a big fat pot of coffee you can't help but take in a big dose. 
     The timing was perfect.  A few hours later I headed over to get the results of the mandatory TB test needed for teaching in this state.  I am just a few steps away from subbing again.  Teaching has been in my heart since I was old enough to love the smell of chalk. 
     For a bit there as I was growing older I had the general idea that you had to grow up.  I am now learning that the definition of growing up can be relative.  Responsibility is very important but it does not have to sacrifice enthusiasm.  Maturity is a nice trait as well but within it we can still find the simple quite hilarious.  There are a million little places to keep the thrill of childhood but blend it with the experience of age. 
     The blank page that scares us when we are young can be quite the inspiration when we are older.  Our book doesn't have as many pages and we need to start filling it up with quality not quantity.  The things we could squander before we now realize need to be cherished.  But as I have been battling with time and life that was lost in the mistakes or choices I made in my youth...I am also learning that they were all part of the big plan.  Each morning is a new page.  Each day is a new part of a greater book. 

"Unwritten"

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Lost in my Mind (The Head And The Heart)

     When you inspire others you inspire yourself.  When you push yourself to overcome you then inspire others.  It's a beautiful relationship that I saw yesterday more clearly than I had before.  I noticed a status update and an attachment to a song and felt the immediate sadness from them both.  The song stirs up the same sad emotions for me.  As I sat there feeling the spiral begin to whirl...I caught myself.  It's not about me.  It's about the other person.  Immediately, I went into cheerleader mode.  I wrote a message designed to make her feel a little bit lighter.   When I read it back I realized that I don't listen to my own advice.  I get stuck thinking the wrong thoughts.  So it knocked me off the path of doom and instantly I was up and at 'em...ready to face another challenging day in what seems to be an endless calendar of them.  I went on to thank this person and explained what happened and I believe we were both amused by the whole interaction. 
     So here is my after school special lesson for you for this fine day...inspire someone.  Get out of your own head and help someone else.  You will find the karma is quite instant.  It's in the thinking of the other person that brings you the reward.  Maybe just maybe if we all think of the other people...they in turn will think about us...and that would make a really sweet world of care and concern.  Push yourself and be a model for others.  Share your experiences...it will validate someone else.  Love big...it will not be wasted.  Stop getting lost in your mind.