New Days Ahead (Always on Your Side · Cheryl Crow)

     In the morning I dial up the music of the day...the mood...the moment.  Sometimes it becomes the soundtrack for the day.  I find the right group, theme or vibe that is needed for the day.   Well, the electrical outlet is suddenly acting a bit odd and my ipod battery is not behaving either.  I was forced to dig out the old crusty shower radio and the basket of neglected cds in the closet to have music playing while I was getting ready for my little guy's first day of kindergarten.  I knew I would need distractions.  I haven't heard these songs in a long time and as the kids came in to prep for the first big day of the school year...this song came on.
       Years ago I liked the song for the melody and part of the message but I had no idea how pertinent the lyrics would be a few years later.  Lots of changes in our lives have brought us to a whole new place in our lives.
      I reflect on my life while driving to work in the morning.  I look at the mountains and am reminded of how tiny we are.  I look at the valleys and realize that the lows only help us to appreciate the peaks.  I watch the sky and know that in an instant a cloud, a storm can change everything.  I also watch the fields.  I noticed in the beginning of the summer that the corn plants were tiny and in perfect little rows.  I have been watching them grow all season....each day bringing a tiny sadness with the realization that summer will be over before I even began to get used to the ease of it all.  In a blink they are tall crops ready to be harvested.
      This brings me back to today.  For almost ten years I have watched my little seeds sprout and grow and get taller and stronger.  There was always one by my side...a little hand to keep mine company.  They have made me laugh when life was more than challenging.  They have inspired me to be a better person.  I have cultivated good humans that are literally getting bigger from season to season.  I have the pencil marks to prove it.  I sang with my babies as they brushed their teeth and smiled back at me in the mirror.  As I sang I realized the song was a soundtrack of my life for the last few years.  For many.  For all.  We have grown.  We have changed.  We have gone.  We have come together.  As I look forward to this next season as well as the next year of my life I am planting a new crop of seeds for the new beginnings and changes that life brings us.  I will say goodbye to my tiny babies and hello to the wonderful children that they are...embracing all of it.  I will also remember that I have spent ten years feeding my tiny caterpillars and now they are gorgeous butterflies...that lyric hit me the hardest.

"How to pull it close and make it stay...butterflies are free to fly and so they fly away..."

The butterfly I am becoming understands the nature of it all.  I will celebrate the changes and retain the beautiful memories but I will never punish the transition.   With new butterflies come new adventures and I am excited for them all!

Don't Think Twice It's Alright · Bob Dylan

     I can play things a million times over and over in my head.  I can wonder if this would have led to that and if that could have meant this...but I'll never truly know.   There are countless decisions that not only altered that one moment but all of the ones following.  If.  If only.  What if?  Maybe I should have...it keeps going and going.  The truth is none of that matters right now.  Now we get the road in front of us.  Now we get to choose.  We get to take all we have done and move forward to a better and bigger person.
     I can analyze why laundry that my mother did back in the 70's took her life in such a sudden and horrible way all of these years later.  I can look back at the last two years of anguish as a couple tried to figure out why they had failed a marriage.  I can be heartbroken that a man who was my hero since birth is letting me down so much these days.  I have been awake nights trying to figure out the relationships of family and friends and why some are so wonderful and others are so cruel.  But in that constant analyzing comes constant pain and frustration.  And after hours of pondering...I come to the same place.  A place where I will never really have the answers to these questions.  So why does all of this time get spent trying?  Does it put me in the classroom I have been teaching in since the 90's?  The one that is decorated with color coded words of encouragement placed in between Teacher of the Year awards?  Does it change the fact that I worked hard on a house and decorated it just so...but someone else is living in right now?  Does it bring back the babies that were lost? Does it change the job I dedicated myself to for so many years that was lost?  Nope.  It doesn't.
If I sit and think about the choices and regrets along the way...I would go out of my mind.  Especially since I sacrificed and took many of the right roads while others were selfish and took the wrong roads.
So it leaves me here in a place where I accept all that has happened has made me who I am.  That the horrible price to pay for one thing might have actually been better than the even more horrible thing that might have happened.  That someday the outcome will outweigh the fight.  The loop has to stop.  The regrets need to be changed to simple decisions.  The lessons have been learned.
     Eight months in and a looming birthday ahead and I do feel truly different in so many ways.  I have enjoyed the process in between tantrums and tears that accompany it.  I continue to push and pull where needed...fighting not only myself but those around me that have to feel the change as well.  I hope I am making better decisions based on loads of experience instead of merely on unicorns and daydreams.  And somewhere in all of it I have to forgive myself and others for where we are today...because the outcome is here whether I like it or not.  Now it is up to the choices I make moving forward and the respect that I have for the journey. 

Gearing Up (Pumped Up Kicks · Foster the People)

     It's easy to be the optimist...to me anyway.  I understand it isn't the way of life of many.  For me it's normal and effortless.  I really do see the good in the situation.  I cling to the hopeful.  But it makes for a tough time when I have to do things that are hard for a sunshine and butterfly kinda girl.  It's hard for me to hold you accountable.  It's tricky for me to have a system that doesn't work.  I don't mind failing myself but I do mind failing others.  I look for the angle I can take to get you to be the bigger person...the more efficient...better.  I feel we are here to inspire one another to be the thing we can be.
     The next few weeks I will have to be tough.  I will be making people uncomfortable.  I will be the bad guy.  There will be limits and restraints and rules and people don't like that. I have given you far too many chances and you have lied or been lazy far too many times.
     I try to teach my kids to do what they would do no matter what.  Drive like the cops are behind you.  Treat others as if some higher power is watching.  Behave as though your Mom is right there.  Live well and do good and be who you are regardless of your surroundings.  Easier said than done for some.  I'm pretty proud of them so far.  They make good decisions.  They say things like, "We're not supposed to have that".  Sometimes I'm one of the few teaching the good lessons.
     It means I will have to push to be stronger.  Tougher.  Firm.  It means enforcing bedtimes.  Holding onto ATM cards.  Dumping a ton of old stuff.  Offering less options. Making people do their part.  It means no more enabling.  No more crutches.  I am usually pretty "tough love" when it comes down to it but I know I need to do even more.  I am gearing up.  I am working out.  I am ready to do what needs to be done.  With the new season will come more than just a change in the weather...

Birthday Approaching... (If I Ever Feel Better · Phoenix)

     It's August.  August is when I analyze the year behind me and look ahead to the year that is in front of me.  Businesses have their fiscal years.  Dieters have their January.  Me...I break up my years in a different way...September to August.  It's my birth month and it's how I gauge my life.  I try to find a mission, a theme, a series of goals to strive for.  I threw a monkey wrench in the system this year by starting my "new thing of the day" in January.  Now I have to create some Venn Diagram on the wall and see where things can overlap.  What will my theme be?  What do I need to accomplish?
     I face September like it's one giant present with the most beautiful wrapping and the fluffiest of bows.  I take stock of the people I am lucky to have in my life.  I look forward to growing closer to the new ones.  I mark the calendars with schedules full of exciting events.  The ones that bring us together with a common reason to celebrate.  The others that are necessary to keep everyone safe and healthy.  The fun.  The serious.  The important.  It is the thrill of Christmas morning but without the drop off at the end of the day.  My Christmas keeps on going....full of promise and hope.
     This year can be: the year I rock the abs again, the blanket that I finally knit, the books I get to read, the trips I've yet to take, the people I get to laugh with, the food I've never tasted, the places I've never been...endless possibilities.  This year with so much new in front of me and so much to conquer and get over...maybe my theme should be simple...to be happy again.
     Happy sounds cute enough.  It's a sweet bouncy little word wearing a colorful sundress and strolling along a sandy beach...but it's not all that easy to attain.  I want the real happy.   I don't want the one that lasts for a moment, a concert, an event, a tv show.  I want the one that starts from my feet and bubbles up from within.  The kind that gets you through the mundane and ordinary and brings sparkle to it all.  There might be a million little tiny ways to accomplish it.  Maybe a few biggies as well.  But whatever the recipe I need to whip me up a batch of it.  It's been a long life with tastes here and there and now I am ready to dig in for a serving so big I need to run afterwards....
     So, I am taking stock.  I am fighting for those I love.  Letting go of those that need to be released.  Finding the new.  Pushing the scary.  Grabbing the challenges.  Living in the present.  Knowing that someday...I'll feel better.
   

Monday Morning (Death Cab for Cutie)

     If I could explain the vibe of this year I would say it felt like college.  All of it...in one year.  With a Masters. Heck, throw in a doctorate.  It's that class that should take three months but you squish it in on one long Saturday.  Every single day.  It's only August.  I'm excited about the coming months and the new things I will find each day...but I am growing weary.  The way you feel right before finals when you just want to hide in bed and listen to the same song over and over again.  When you are exhausted.  That's me.  The home stretch to the butterfly I am becoming is getting tiresome.  I realize these challenges make me stronger.  I understand that I needed to find the bottom before climbing back up to the top.  A wise woman was talking with me the other day...on the front porch swing that I have spoken of.  She said that it is easier to drag someone down a ladder than up one.  On that note, I also say it's easier to go down the ladder. Period.
      My morning was greeted with a text offering extra hours at work.  My gut said to go and I did.  I have this thing that I do lately.  I scroll around the play lists on my Ipod and tell the universe to give me a song.  It gave me this one.  I don't think I've ever heard it before and if I did I had no idea what the lyrics were nor that the title was "Monday Morning".  It was so appropriate.  As I drove I began to think about the education that the universe and life has been teaching me lately.  Each day is a huge hurdle.  I make choices.  I make decisions.  I fall.  I get up.  I rock.  I suck.  I push.  I think I have mentioned this...I push.  But some days get the best of me.  So...my new things are the following:
-listening to this song
-Leigh Ann's delicious Taco Salad for lunch
-Sanding and painting mugs
-Catching up with my old pals...the Cardoni Family
-Hearing a shuffling in the hallway and turning to say something to my Mom
-falling apart on August 8th, 2011

Tomorrow is a new day.  I feel the next wave of change coming.  I feel the growing pains as things change quickly.  Sometimes a little too quickly.  I am cramming for finals and yet I still have months to complete.  I hope I remember my number 2 pencil.  I hope my wings develop properly in my case.  I hope tomorrow is better than today. 

Soul Mates and Old Men (Blood · The Middle East)

     I just watched a movie that had a recurring theme about soul mates.  I came rushing home to find the song that I loved during the one scene...this is it.  I looked at the lyrics and started to cry.
     I am a believer of the concept of the soul mate.  I think we have to find them.  I think we have to learn from them.  I think we are incomplete without them.  I've been thinking about my Dad so much lately.  He has lost his soul mate.  He has lost and now is lost.
     I can cheer him up with grandchildren and cartoons and snuggles.  I can make him dinners that he likes.  I can bug him to do things with us...but the truth is I know we are not enough.  He has lost his love.  I was asking them mere months before she died about how they knew they were the ones when they met.  He said that she made sense of everything.  She said that she didn't understand why someone could give so much to someone and expect so little in return...he said that she deserved it.  He also said that her smile lit up his world.  They found magic in the simple.  They went on to create a beautiful life for many and for many years.  How does one make a meatloaf to fix that loss?
     Their relationship had challenges.  Their histories and families were tricky.  Illness was common.  But through it all they dedicated their lives not only to one another but to their family.  They grew and changed when needed.  They adapted.  They jumped hurdles and ran races.  Nothing rattled him.  She presented issues.  Many of them.   He did not leave her side for a moment...for anything...or anyone...ever.  His one true love was all he needed.   He made her a good home.  He was a good father.  He was devoted and loyal.  He put her first, always.  She  was his soul mate.   That's what you do when you find your soul mate...you live for and with them...forever.

"grandfather, gentle soul, you'll fly
over your life once more before you die
since our grandma passed away
you've waited for forever and a day
just to die
and someday soon
you will die

it was the only woman you ever loved
that got burnt by the sun too often when she was young
and the cancer spread and it ran into her body and her blood
and there's nothing you can do about it now"