I should have gotten up earlier. I didn't do 100 crunches today. My kid can't tie his shoe yet and he's 5. I should have my masters by now. I haven't worked the soup kitchen. The living room is messy with toys. The table is full of paperwork. The dog should've been taken on a hike today in this beautiful weather. I haven't figured out how to solve global warming. UGH!!!
I'm dedicating this rant to GUILT. I realized this morning that when I dedicated a whole blog to anger I suddenly felt more peaceful. It was as if I made anger into a solid ball and threw it far away into the woods. I'm not saying it won't come back from time to time...but maybe that's the key. Take it and kick it in the ass. Guilt. Damn, it plagues me. As I just wrote this I had a huge awakening. I will always feel guilty about SOMETHING. Always. Even if I do 20 things perfectly...there will be a new list of failures waiting for me with a smirk. The spices might be alphabetized but have you seen the pantry?!? Guilt, failure, to do lists....they are endless like space. So I spend my days feeling like I'm disappointing the world. Personally offending it with my negligence at all turns. Wow...I really give myself some power here don't I? People don't give a crap do they? So why do I? Will you think any less of me if I watched four hours of recorded television today because I just couldn't get up? You might...so I will explain that my ankle is still sore and swollen and it's that time of the month and I'm tired and achy. I will explain that with work and the house and the kids this is the first time I could just be alone and relax. I will justify all of whatever needs to be defended. Why? Guilt. But really, who cares? I work my ass off constantly. If I take some time to chill I must deserve it, right? Do you sit around at your dinner table and discuss the fact that I did not paint my bathroom yet? Bet ya don't. In my head you do. It's crazy girl thinking and I need to knock it off.
So guilt....the mean little person that you are...since I picture you sort of troll like and jerky - GO AWAY! I will get to things when I can handle them. I will clean when there is time but not when I have a choice to play with a kid or giggle with a friend. I will have piles of crap that need to be put away. Some days I will be on top of my game and rock and others I will suck but I will not beat myself up for your sake anymore. You have done nothing for me thus far. If this were a relationship I would laugh at even talking about you. I would have ended it years ago. Hmmmm, this rant thing is fun. I feel lighter already. I think I will take a shower now. I usually rush through them to save the water and the soap and not to waste time, etc...guilt taught me that. Today, I will take my sweet time. I won't be wasteful, don't get me wrong but I will allow enough time to at least get the scent of guilt out of my hair.
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