Birthday Approaching... (If I Ever Feel Better · Phoenix)

     It's August.  August is when I analyze the year behind me and look ahead to the year that is in front of me.  Businesses have their fiscal years.  Dieters have their January.  Me...I break up my years in a different way...September to August.  It's my birth month and it's how I gauge my life.  I try to find a mission, a theme, a series of goals to strive for.  I threw a monkey wrench in the system this year by starting my "new thing of the day" in January.  Now I have to create some Venn Diagram on the wall and see where things can overlap.  What will my theme be?  What do I need to accomplish?
     I face September like it's one giant present with the most beautiful wrapping and the fluffiest of bows.  I take stock of the people I am lucky to have in my life.  I look forward to growing closer to the new ones.  I mark the calendars with schedules full of exciting events.  The ones that bring us together with a common reason to celebrate.  The others that are necessary to keep everyone safe and healthy.  The fun.  The serious.  The important.  It is the thrill of Christmas morning but without the drop off at the end of the day.  My Christmas keeps on going....full of promise and hope.
     This year can be: the year I rock the abs again, the blanket that I finally knit, the books I get to read, the trips I've yet to take, the people I get to laugh with, the food I've never tasted, the places I've never been...endless possibilities.  This year with so much new in front of me and so much to conquer and get over...maybe my theme should be simple...to be happy again.
     Happy sounds cute enough.  It's a sweet bouncy little word wearing a colorful sundress and strolling along a sandy beach...but it's not all that easy to attain.  I want the real happy.   I don't want the one that lasts for a moment, a concert, an event, a tv show.  I want the one that starts from my feet and bubbles up from within.  The kind that gets you through the mundane and ordinary and brings sparkle to it all.  There might be a million little tiny ways to accomplish it.  Maybe a few biggies as well.  But whatever the recipe I need to whip me up a batch of it.  It's been a long life with tastes here and there and now I am ready to dig in for a serving so big I need to run afterwards....
     So, I am taking stock.  I am fighting for those I love.  Letting go of those that need to be released.  Finding the new.  Pushing the scary.  Grabbing the challenges.  Living in the present.  Knowing that someday...I'll feel better.
   

Monday Morning (Death Cab for Cutie)

     If I could explain the vibe of this year I would say it felt like college.  All of it...in one year.  With a Masters. Heck, throw in a doctorate.  It's that class that should take three months but you squish it in on one long Saturday.  Every single day.  It's only August.  I'm excited about the coming months and the new things I will find each day...but I am growing weary.  The way you feel right before finals when you just want to hide in bed and listen to the same song over and over again.  When you are exhausted.  That's me.  The home stretch to the butterfly I am becoming is getting tiresome.  I realize these challenges make me stronger.  I understand that I needed to find the bottom before climbing back up to the top.  A wise woman was talking with me the other day...on the front porch swing that I have spoken of.  She said that it is easier to drag someone down a ladder than up one.  On that note, I also say it's easier to go down the ladder. Period.
      My morning was greeted with a text offering extra hours at work.  My gut said to go and I did.  I have this thing that I do lately.  I scroll around the play lists on my Ipod and tell the universe to give me a song.  It gave me this one.  I don't think I've ever heard it before and if I did I had no idea what the lyrics were nor that the title was "Monday Morning".  It was so appropriate.  As I drove I began to think about the education that the universe and life has been teaching me lately.  Each day is a huge hurdle.  I make choices.  I make decisions.  I fall.  I get up.  I rock.  I suck.  I push.  I think I have mentioned this...I push.  But some days get the best of me.  So...my new things are the following:
-listening to this song
-Leigh Ann's delicious Taco Salad for lunch
-Sanding and painting mugs
-Catching up with my old pals...the Cardoni Family
-Hearing a shuffling in the hallway and turning to say something to my Mom
-falling apart on August 8th, 2011

Tomorrow is a new day.  I feel the next wave of change coming.  I feel the growing pains as things change quickly.  Sometimes a little too quickly.  I am cramming for finals and yet I still have months to complete.  I hope I remember my number 2 pencil.  I hope my wings develop properly in my case.  I hope tomorrow is better than today. 

Soul Mates and Old Men (Blood · The Middle East)

     I just watched a movie that had a recurring theme about soul mates.  I came rushing home to find the song that I loved during the one scene...this is it.  I looked at the lyrics and started to cry.
     I am a believer of the concept of the soul mate.  I think we have to find them.  I think we have to learn from them.  I think we are incomplete without them.  I've been thinking about my Dad so much lately.  He has lost his soul mate.  He has lost and now is lost.
     I can cheer him up with grandchildren and cartoons and snuggles.  I can make him dinners that he likes.  I can bug him to do things with us...but the truth is I know we are not enough.  He has lost his love.  I was asking them mere months before she died about how they knew they were the ones when they met.  He said that she made sense of everything.  She said that she didn't understand why someone could give so much to someone and expect so little in return...he said that she deserved it.  He also said that her smile lit up his world.  They found magic in the simple.  They went on to create a beautiful life for many and for many years.  How does one make a meatloaf to fix that loss?
     Their relationship had challenges.  Their histories and families were tricky.  Illness was common.  But through it all they dedicated their lives not only to one another but to their family.  They grew and changed when needed.  They adapted.  They jumped hurdles and ran races.  Nothing rattled him.  She presented issues.  Many of them.   He did not leave her side for a moment...for anything...or anyone...ever.  His one true love was all he needed.   He made her a good home.  He was a good father.  He was devoted and loyal.  He put her first, always.  She  was his soul mate.   That's what you do when you find your soul mate...you live for and with them...forever.

"grandfather, gentle soul, you'll fly
over your life once more before you die
since our grandma passed away
you've waited for forever and a day
just to die
and someday soon
you will die

it was the only woman you ever loved
that got burnt by the sun too often when she was young
and the cancer spread and it ran into her body and her blood
and there's nothing you can do about it now"

Keep Your Head Up (Andy Grammer)

     Times are a bit challenging yet again.  I'm dealing with the next phase of mourning it seems.  It snuck up on my ass.  Financial issues are flaring with the light of the 4th of July.  Friends are busy and the summertime is full of moments that need to be somehow both relaxing and full...simultaneously.  The To Do list is long but the sunshine and pool call to me as I look at my little ones dancing around in their swimsuits and masks.  There have been tricky trips, illnesses and overwhelming burdens to juggle.  But yesterday while talking at work with a like minded soul I realized it was ok to not only have moments of despair but to also have the moments that follow...when I kick the crap out of the negativity.  It's easy to succumb.  It's easy to play the sad, depressing music.  It's easy to sleep and skip meals and veg in front of the tv.  I haven't been choosing easy lately.  I've been pushing.  So I play the music that makes me shake my ass while I'm with my kids.  I eat the food that is healthy and light to make me feel better physically.  I take myself out of the comfort zone daily.  Daily.  And push.  Don't get me wrong if I feel the need to yell and scream and cry my eyes out...I DO!  With gusto.  But then I move on.  I remind myself about the things I want my life to BE.  I think about all that I have already.  I find the moment in which I am living.  Not only do I search and often find rainbows but I have a group of friends who send me texts with their own sightings and pics.  Maybe there a few of us with this thinking.  Not only have I raised butterflies but when one flies by...we all stop to watch it.  I joke about the butterflies and rainbows but it seems to be my theme.  So to you I say...find your version of rainbows and butterflies.  Find the thing or person or place that makes your heart lighter and your load bearable.  And run to it when you need it.  Find that song that makes you dance.  The song that makes you sing.  The place that makes you happy.  The friend that makes you giggle.  The blog post amidst the sad and angry ones...that reminds you to keep your head up ;)

Breaking Down (in) Camp (Give Me Strength · Snow Patrol)

     There are times that push us.  Push us to be better...stronger...bigger.  We need these moments because we forget how truly strong we can be.  We take the ease of the day to day life for granted.  We forget that we can turn on a faucet and get fresh cold water when we need it.  Maybe we take showers without remembering that it is a luxury.  We eat when we are hungry because most of us are blessed enough to have food in every cabinet and drawer and within a cold fridge.  I knew camping would be a good reminder to not only myself but for the two little ones with me that have known the ease of life.  I had no idea how much bigger it would be.
     Beyond the unseasonable temperatures, unyielding insects and disappointing facilities there was more.  There was fear, hunger, thirst, some panic, illness, time restrictions, unfamiliar territory and worry.  But instead of losing it which I would've back in the day...I simply looked at the problem in front of me and figured out the solution.  Calmly.  I calculated.  I communicated.  I pushed through the fear and made decisions that were wise and thought out.  I also asked for help when I needed it.  People should never stop asking for help when they need  it.  That is why we have friends and families.  We ended the day safely.  I was proud of myself.  I needed a moment like this to remind myself of how brave and strong I can be...I forget.  I get lost in fear quite often and this challenge of the new has pushed me to remind myself.  I also realized that in the moments where fear and worry began to creep in I reached out to my girls.  They dug me out with words of inspiration.  They made me giggle as I stood there in the woods trying to figure out what was next.  They encouraged me when I grew weary.  I am lucky to have them.  I appreciate them more than they know.  I might be getting bigger, stronger and more able everyday but I'll never forget the support system that holds me up when it all gets too heavy for me to hold up on my own.  To them...thank you. Thank you more than you know.

My Most Important Job (Teach Your Children · Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young)

     I take parenting very seriously.  It can't be a part-time job or a hobby.  It is sometimes hard and maybe inconvenient or when I don't feel like it but I believe that every moment that passes should have some value in one way or another.  I love the mornings I sneak three different fruits into their healthy cereal.  I crave the nights they ask to hear the chosen story again, again, again.  I adore the moments of random sweetness when they need to hug you...and I never take an unsolicited "I love you" for granted.  Every moment of everyday is a chance to make them the best person they can be today as well as tomorrow.  That means a balance of push and pull, inspired and natural experiences, calm and busy.  There are days that I know I have done the best that I can do.  I take them in and soak them up and use them to inspire the days that are tricky. 
     This summer we belong to a pool.  I purchased the floats and toys and masks.  You can bring a kid to water but you can't make him swim...or can you?  Only a few weeks later I am watching my two little fishies swim about.  The big one is getting quite confident as she does handstands and flips under water but more importantly as she does fun jumps into the deep end and can swim to where she feels safe again.  My little guy is swimming underwater and coming up with quarters and toypedoes.  I watch with amazement as I realize we have all had a wonderful accomplishment.
     I will continue to buy books that brush up their skills.  I will always look for the healthy alternative and find ways to sneak exercise into everyday fun.  I will watch as their brains and personalities swell.  I will pat myself on the back for the nights I can reflect on a day full of wonder.  The ones where we can reflect on the new butterflies that hatched or the new flowers that bloomed.   Maybe some new artwork was hung up on the walls of our home to brighten the darker moments.  I  know that this will all go by way too quickly.  I will savor.  I will learn with them.  They teach me lessons as well.  But when I say I'm a mother it is a job that I value more than any other and I will know that I did my best at making it count.  I mess up.  I lose patience.  I allow late nights and junk food from time to time.  Sometimes we snuggle too long and have to make up for lost time.  Sometimes the laundry and cleaning steals time from them.  So I practice.  It's been almost ten years and I don't think a single day has gone by when I haven't learned something.  Each day is a day to be better, do better, love better.
     We mark the wall with lines and dates as we measure how their bodies grow.  We capture moments of wonder with photographs.  Colorful doodles from each stage of growth adorn my every space.   I never let a day go by without them being taught something...and I don't let a day go by that I do not learn as well.

Caterpillars to Butterflies (Helplessness Blues · Fleet Foxes)

     There is an anticipation that comes when a butterfly is waiting to break out of the chrysalis.  It is hanging there motionless and quiet. All the while there are a million little changes happening.  Wings are developing.  Parts are changing.  Sometimes I think this planet was given these creatures not only for their beauty but for the symbolism they contain.  I realize they are food as well and play their parts in the great cycle of life.  But for a bit they are a complete mystery.  A miracle.  An inspiration.
     I believe we as humans should treat ourselves the same way.  We can be caterpillars for quite some time.  We can wiggle on leaves and eat our way through the foliage.  We can plug along slowly but surely.  But there comes a time when that is no longer enough.  We know something is stirring within us.  The process is a mystery...the unknown is somewhat scary.  But like the caterpillar knows it is time to find a safe place to hang...the spirit knows something else is coming.  Now it is about development.  Growth.  Change.  It is about taking one thing and making it completely different.  It is in this change that the most beautiful thing can happen.  The butterfly doesn't necessarily decide on all of the changes but it knows what it must do to facilitate them.  It has to fatten up with milkweed.  It has to find a safe place to be.  It has to climb to a high point and fasten itself to a trusted leaf.  Then comes the chrysalis and it is now at the mercy of the elements with nothing more than the ability to fend off the predator with a mere little shaking of its home.  When it is ready it will emerge.  It will happen.  It is just a matter of when.  Each day it is a little less caterpillar and a little more butterfly. 
     I find myself changing each day.  I consciously make different decisions.  Sure, there are moments that are tricky as I try to loosen the velcro that has held me where I've always been...but I pull.  I push.  I twist.  I maneuver.  If it didn't work before I know it won't work NOW and I adapt.  Simply wanting something isn't enough....we have to prove to the universe that we deserve it.  The caterpillar does the work that it needs to and then the beauty can happen.  Like the butterfly who is changing a little each day...I, too, am changing.  A little more the me I want to be and a little less the person that I want to let go.  All the while my heart will be the one thing that remains pure and true just like the butterfly.