family · cookies · shiny packages · flurries · visits with friends · Silent Night · elf on the shelf · late night shopping · chilly air · peppermint mocha coffee · live trees · new ornaments · building Barbie houses · monkey hats · snuggles · pooches with tree bandanas · glazed hams · evergreen boughs · nostalgia · gorgeous Main Streets · twinkling lights · peace, love, hope · pictures of smiles to hang up · tubas · reindeer food · happy mailboxes · eve fishies · time honored cartoons and movies · family games · nutcrackers · cocoa · school vacations · Santa videos · memories · food · the Buble · "testing" toys and games for the kids ;) · time to recharge · forgiveness · plans for a whole new year · old traditions honored · Santa's boot marks · new ones began · the magical feeling you get in your heart...

Much love, laughter, hope and joy to you and those you love!!!

This Woman's Work (Kate Bush)

     A woman was told that she was pregnant.  She was also "old" for someone having a baby.  Life had been a challenge to say the least up to this point and she wasn't about to have it get any easier.  There were also tumors that would not allow the baby to grow and the chance of the baby making it was slim.  If the baby made it...she most likely would not.  She was told to end the pregnancy.  She was asked by her new husband to do the same...he had finally found his love after waiting almost 45 years to do so...and he didn't want to lose her just yet.  But after a childhood of sorrow and three stillborn babies in between the other three that she was lucky to have...she wasn't letting anyone take away this "miracle".  So at the age of 37...Sally gave birth to a little curly haired girl.  She was in a new city with a new life and torn from the one she had left behind.  She was taking care of two elderly and ill in-laws and a dog and a cat as well.  A house was being renovated, a family was being developed and a whole new life was just getting started for them all.
     My mother went on to be quite the Mom.  She was tough, she was giving, she was fair, she was complicated, she was real.  She ran one hell of a ship.  I look back and sometimes wonder why she was the way she was about certain things...but most of the time I am just grateful.  Even in her weaknesses she was teaching me a life lesson.  As a woman coming on 40 I also understand so much more now.  I see why things were the way they were and how truly brave she was even when things were not simple.  She pushed a body that was weak.  She shoved hard on a mind that was raw.  She never relented on a spirit that was tattered.  I learned many things from her.  Work hard at whatever it is you are doing.  Never stop learning.  Give your closest people your best.  Empathize...even with the bully...they must have a reason to be that way.  Take in strays because nobody is better than anyone else.  Be kind.  In giving we get so much more back.  Countless lessons...
      She also taught me "not to sweat the small stuff" and I have to practice that one.  I have come far but there is more work to be done.  When she beat cancer the first time she reminded us all to live life to the fullest.  When they gave us three days to say goodbye we were given a smack in the face.  Time is a precious commodity.  Maybe I have spent the last years doing things that some don't understand but when money, talents and resources were slim...time was something I had.  When someone gives you so much during your life you make sure you thank them.  It has been a difficult year since the night I spent glued to her side to sing, pray, read and say goodbye.  But I keep hearing her in my ear.  She reminds me to do so many things.  I miss the person I would talk to for hours but then again  I have come to realize that she is right there for all of it now and only a conversation away.   I will pass on her expressions, her life lessons and her meatloaf recipe.  I will cling to the dear family that I have been blessed with.  I will nurture the friendships that are my "family" even if we don't share the same genes.  I will be so grateful for a whole new relationship with the sister that is the only human who knows her like I did.  I will make sure my children know how she lived for us all.  I will live big because it is the only way she would have had it.   Though I miss her in a million little ways...she lives on in all of us...always.

Higher Ground (Stevie Wonder)

     Each day.  Each and every single day we should be better than the day before.   We should continue to grow...be bigger...for ourselves and for the world that spins around our bodies.  I have been working my ass off to do that in many ways.  Daily.  Like a workout for the mind, body and spirit.  Every here and again I injure myself and have to ice up for a few days but then it's back to work.
     But I have noticed a shift with a bunch of us and I have to say I am pretty impressed.  People are appreciating what they have.  They are living in realities instead of potentials.   I see gratitude instead of anger.   It doesn't even matter what their age or stage of life...they are "getting it".  They teach me on a daily basis and it helps me in this quest to come out better on the other side than I came into this big crazy lesson.  I keep reading in various places that as you change for the better one of two things will happen.  You will find the people that support you.  You will find the people that can't.  I get it now.  I see the patterns.  I am pretty darn lucky to have a great support team of people that value life, love, peace and joy as I do.  Things don't matter...people do.  I have also learned that the other people who played a great part in making me who I am today can be thanked as well...but that it's ok to let us move in other directions.  

    So for those of you doing the following...thanks for the inspiration...thanks for the reaching...thanks for trying to find the higher ground!

· playing instruments for a living · working towards a masters · joining the gym · writing those blogs · parenting like a fiend · growing up · finding time to say you care · helping people get healthy · going to workshops to make yourself better · battling through therapy · changing · expressing yourselves honestly · gathering a community in peace · smiling when it's easier not to · sharing your experiences · writing me emails, texting and tweeting when you are damn busy · losing the baggage · being selfless · moving forward · being uncomfortable for a bit · DOING THE NEW!!!!

Shake It Out (Florence and the Machine)

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a final mess but it's left me so empty
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Mr. Blue (Catherine Feeny)

     Train was running...full steam....going, going, going.  Brakes screeched and as quickly as a bird changes direction in the sky so did my health, mood and spirit.  A fever was the beginning of an endless assortment of symptoms.  Match that up with the first Thanksgiving without my Mom...lots of other drama...and oodles of stress...and you have the perfect recipe for a break down of sorts.  I stayed in pj's for days as I battled high temps and aches and pains.  I took extra vities, drank lots of tea and even gave into nasal decongestants to be able to catch a few winks.  When we need a break and we aren't taking one...our body forces us to. 
     Then just when I started to feel some relief it moved onto my daughter.  Add some new stress.  Start December...a month that will be rough as it is...and you find yourself caught somewhere between a scream and a sob.  So when a little girl looks up at you with sickly eyes and a face sans color and asks if you can just snuggle for a bit...you listen.  When we need a break and we aren't taking one...our heart forces us to.
     Blankets, temperature checks, cooking shows and cat naps for a few hours.  The world stopped and let a mother and daughter just rest.  Physically, mentally and emotionally.    I realized while warm and calm in a twin bed watching the food network tucked in with my baby...that I was doing something all over again.  My own mother and I would do the same when I was just her very age.  Take a day to rest and watch tv and just be.  Safe.  Quiet.  Calm.  I feared that the gloomy mood that seemed to be devouring me by the second would last forever.  A productive day later I see that it was just a break.  I listened.  I allowed.  I gave in.   When we need a break and we aren't taking one...our spirit forces us to.
    To my body, my heart and my spirit...I say thanks.  To those of you who encouraged me...I thank you even more!